Ok… so I have had sooo many emotions going on for the past few weeks now and I wanted to write them down to see if it helps. I guess turning 40 has opened my eyes to some new things in life. And come to realize that family means more to me than words can say. Not that I already didn't know that, it's just so much is going on with my family, in different parts of my family.
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I guess to start off, back in November, my older brother Peter had a new baby girl Isabella. She is ssssoooo perfect. Pete & Karen asked me if I could be in the room during the birthing and video the special event. Ok, yes at first I was like… uuummmm not sure if I could make it thru something like that but hey I DID!!! And what an amazing miracle to witness, needless to say it went with a snap of a finger. Karen didn't even let out ONE scream. I am in aaawwww of her! Karen & Pete have been together now for 3yrs. Karen has a little boy named Taylor. If any of you know my life, and me you know that I only see my Nieces down South from my brother Joe. Also Joes Fiancé, Lisas' 2 girls. I have not had the chance to see or get to know any of my other Nieces or Nephews. I have tried over the years to write letter to people that I find on yahoo people search with matching names to my family. No luck there. That being said, I have my walls up most of the time, like with Karen & Taylor. I didn't want to get to close to soon just to have them out of my life. But I honestly believe that Karen is the "ONE" for Pete. I am sooo IN LOVE with Isabella and Taylor is taking more of my love all the time. I don't want these walls but have to watch my heart and love so it won't be crushed over and over.
Over the last few years, I have also become closer with my brother Manuel. He has never ever really been a family person. He's pretty much been man on his own. It tickled me about a year ago he called me just to say hi. Just to say hi!!!!! I cried after I got off the phone. I have always wanted to be the "little sister" but have been in most ways a Mom to my brothers. Except for Joe. He's always been like my Dad. He is my heart and soul. With out him, I really don't know where I would be. After our Mother passed away in 87' he had to play Dad to his 2 young daughters and me. I love you Joe for that.
Most of my life I've known that I have Nieces and Nephews out there and slowly have been reconnecting. A few yrs back, I finally found Manuels daughter Marsha. What a joy that was. After that I found Peters son Turner. It was hard at first but we muddled thru the hard times, with his Sister Teanna, Petes other daughter, and now we can all communicate. I love them dearly and miss them already. That's where my emotions started about 3wks ago. Pete flew in his daughter Teanna from CO. for the Easter holiday. WOW!!!! She is such a beautiful girl. His son Turner, his wife Samantha and their son Branden drove up from San Diego. So they were all here. AWESOME!!! Then at the same time, trying to get ready for my big Hawaiian 40th b-day party and wanting to spend time with them was sooooo crazy that I really didn't get much sleep those weeks. But it was all worth it! I really wanted my brother Joe & Lisa there but I knew that they had Lisa's oldest daughters, Nicole, wedding to prepare for this weekend. So I didn't push them to coming up here. BUT OMG!!!! I was in my car just about to go to the store, day of my party, for ice and who freakin pulls up in my driveway????? JOE & LISA!!! I lost it!!!!!!!! Couldn't talk, couldn't breath, I was sooooo happy and full of love I still tear up thinking about it. If none of my friends showed up or just a few, {I have almost 50ppl} they made my day!!!!! I love them so much. And to top it, ALL my brothers' where their to celebrate their "little sisters" 40th! Amazing. And Petes son and family were there. My cousins were there and all my friends from all my different worlds came together. It was an amazing night! Check out the pix if you haven't already.
So every now and again, I re-do my searches of family. Yesterday was another AMAZING day. I found my oldest brother Manuels', "he does not know this", his 2 boys Danny Manny & Joey. They are such handsome men and all grown up. I have only had contact with Joey, {who is named after my 2nd brother Joe} and left it open to him to contact me more if he wanted. I know it's been so many years and the past was not so pleasant. So I totally understand if he chooses not to keep in contact. I just wanted him to know that even though I have not seen them since he was about 5yrs old or even younger, that they were never out of my heart. I grew up having Jennifer, and Pami, Marsha, Kenny, Danny, Joey, and Lindsay Ann, always around. Jennifer and Pam have always been there. They are the only constants in my life as my nieces. I want more. I've tried over and over to be just like my Mommy and keep family together, but it got harder and harder. I had to just say hey, I can keep calling, writing letters or cards and not get anything back or you all can try too. Nothing. So I go on and try every so often.
Talking to Pete this morning, asked if I heard anything back from Joey, we both got emotional. We are what are left. He says that it is really up to us, our responsibility to keep the family going. For our kids to know whom their families are. Like I told him. I can only be like Mom so much and need to get something back. I love you Peter~ with all my heart. It's been a rocky road for the both of us. Trying to stick by him thru his recovery has been a struggle. It was hard for me to trust in him for along time. I didn't want to relive our past. I was not going to have that life as an adult. Adult… most times I feel like a kid. Now he has 5yrs sober and about 9yrs or more clean!!!! WWOOOHHHOOOOOO! Congrats to you Peter!!!!!
We have Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Great-Cousins that we have gotten closer with over the years as well. That helps a lot.
Ok everyone I know I have been all over the place with this. But it's no different from my life. Crazy!!! Most people cannot believe how "normal" I actually am after they find out about my life back then. Me normal… hummmm. Ok, so I guess I need to stop now before I really let out some tears. I have to finish up my work so I can get out of here. I need to go home and pack for SoCal tomorrow. Nicoles wedding is Sat. My niece by way of Lisa. Lisa has been in our lives for 17+ yrs now. Joe has a wonderful lady.
Bottom line is, is that I love my family and its sad when I know there are more out there that I don't know. I want everyone to know that I am here if you need me. No matter what. If you choose not to, that will not take away the love I have for you. Taytum that goes for you too.
My love to you all and thanks for listening…
Sheila Amaral