So it's getting closer and closer to February 16th, the day my sister died a year ago. Her birthday was on the 4th, yesterday. I didn't go to the grave site, for personal reasons I just don't want to talk about. Basically I couldn't handle it. I'm losing my grip on life, I've noticed. Its becoming harder and harder for me to leave the house for any reason other than work. Hell I don't even want to leave to get food, I'd rather have it delivered. Time is FLYING past me and I can't seem to hold on long enough to realize what day it is. My mom told me yesterday to "get ready for [my] birthday that's coming up" to kinda cheer me up yesterday but honestly, Im completely not ready for my birthday.

I wish it would never come. I mean, how can I EVER enjoy a birthday when 2 days later, I have to relive that memory of being in Hempstead and getting that phone call from Ray saying my sister's been dead for 15 minutes? I was in complete shock and at 1st I couldn't even understand what he was saying in the voicemail until Tom figured out, but honestly, I knew. It's that intuition you get when you KNOW you've lost someone.

Im going to get a tattoo on that day too. Its going to be my sister's name in Japanese Kanji symbols and I might add a halo over it and the dates. To help me sorta get over it, only thing is, I can't talk about it still. I don't think I can explain my own tattoo, except "its my sisters name in Kanji symbols" and maybe they'll get the hint.

Anyway, I would like to enjoy my 21st birthday, you know, go out and buy my first alcoholic beverage at a restaurant. But honestly, I know im not stable enough to conume alcohol, I'll either become an alcoholic or damage myself while intoxicated. I mean hopefully not, I've drank a little before and I was perfectly fine, but this a completely different circumstance than before.

So I probably won't. It really depends how Im feeling that day I guess.

Just a little emotional rant. <3 Im fine by the way, just coping.