Sexuality After Birth- The Road of Recovery
Postpartum for most couples is a whirlwind, a rollercoaster ride that doesn’t let you off. The last thing on your minds is having sex. For the woman there is a period of healing that needs to take place and men need to honor this time. The more that men honor her healing time the more likely it is that she will want to engage with you sexually once her healing is complete. The length of time that you spend healing varies from woman to woman and depends upon the type of birth that she experienced. If the birth was vaginal and there was no tearing of the pelvic floor, she will most likely be able to engage in sexual activity after her bleeding has stopped. (This bleeding period was a great shock to me. No one had told me that I would bleed for weeks after I gave birth, not even my own mother or sister.) If she has had a tear to her pelvic floor it depends upon the degree of the tear. I had a second degree tear that extended all the way to my anal sphincter muscles. My midwife expertly stitched me back together. I then took great care of myself by getting lots of rest and using essential oils to aid in healing. My midwife was amazed that my stitches had dissolved and I was all back together in less than a week. That didn’t mean that I was physically ready to have intercourse. My partner was so awesome that I really wanted to engage with him sexually. A recent study has shown that men who help with housework get laid more often. Postpartum was such an overwhelming time, it was a blessing to have a partner who also helped cook, clean and care for the baby. So guys if you just help out it can be a huge boost to your partner’s libido.

Here is my experience about two months after I had given birth...

“Our first attempt at sex after birth was depressing to say the least. It left me feeling angry and despondent. I was convinced that with a baby around I would never have sex again, which added to the feelings that my life was over forever. We had the stage set, the baby was finally asleep, we were alone in the house for the first time in a long time, and my bleeding had stopped weeks ago. We took turns showering (first mistake, but I like at least cleaning off the dried breast milk and day’s worth of baby spit up)by then the baby was awake again and fussy. I proceeded to breast feed him while my partner finished his shower and created an atmosphere in the room- candle, aromatherapy etc. He caressed my legs as I breastfed. My body welcomed the touch it felt like ages since I have been caressed like that, soft, electric, warm. The baby drifted off again and I put him down. We started cuddling and kissing and being close with our naked, freshly showered bodies. It felt so good, but I was distracted. The baby kept stirring and I feared he would wake again. We were also both nervous about intercourse, it had been over two months since he had been inside me and the last time we had intercourse sex it broke my water and started my labor. It was as if the baby knew what we were about to do and was scared or jealous, he doesn’t understand how much we need to connect; so he starts crying and I try to soothe him back to sleep, nothing works. We give up for the moment and I try breastfeeding again. An hour later my partner is asleep with the baby on his chest “just a little nap and I’ll have more energy” he says without opening his eyes. At this point I have tears streaming down my face. I NEED to have sex! I get up and leave the bedroom. Writing is the only way that I can think of to calm myself down and work through my anger. I come back a few hours later and they are still sleeping. I crawl into bed and cry some more the whole experience bringing up feelings of rejection especially around my body image.

That was two days ago. And now I sit here with a baby at my breast, my cheeks still warm and glowing from post coital bliss. Just a little over an hour ago, my partner came into the room with a little smirk on his face. He moved the baby from the middle of the bed where he was sound asleep to the opposite side, lucky for us he stayed asleep. He took off his red shirt and started undressing me out of my sweat clothes (hot I know). I put down my computer quickly, even though I was in the middle of working on something really time sensitive. It was mid day and I didn’t care if we had a romantic candle lit night or the right atmosphere or showers. I had been having body image issues all throughout my pregnancy and now post partum I still had an extra 25 pounds and lots of body fat where it hadn’t existed before, it was mid day and he could see it all, and I didn’t care. We started kissing, soft, wet, vulnerable kisses. He was caressing me and I could feel a rush of oxytocin (love chemical) shoot through me, this caused my milk to “letdown” and I became self conscious. Would I squirt milk all over? I expressed to him that it might get messy. He showed me that it didn’t bother him by taking my nipple in his mouth and drinking up the milk dripping from it. We hurried to get the rest of our clothes off and I was so happy to see that he was erect. I know from all my teaching that a man can be aroused and attracted to someone even if they don’t have an erection, but that erect penis make me feel sexy again. He started to touch my clit…my clit that has now had three different lives, pre-pregnancy, during pregnancy when it was so large and swollen, and postpartum it feels so small and very different. The clitoral stimulation moved into slow penetration with fingers. There was a little blood, but it didn’t hurt at all like I expected with the way that the scar tissue felt from my tear. I felt awkward at first, I couldn’t remember how to kiss, he reminded before to keep my lips soft. It was such a weird experience being that I am usually the one teaching other people how to have better sex. I still got it intellectually but my body was different and I am still finding my way. I went to what I know well, penis massage! He was so hard and I was so ready and I didn’t want to just have foreplay forever, so I pushed him down on the bed. I wanted to do this and I was ready. I looked him in the eyes and felt myself tearing up. “I love you so much” I said with an intense feeling of vulnerability for both of us. I had said those words often since the birth of the baby, but I hadn’t really felt it like the days before my pregnancy. Everything in our life had become about the baby and logistics to make everything work. Now it felt like us again and I remembered the connection that we had, and why we had been so passionate before. My body was practically begging for him as I was unusually wet for a woman who is breastfeeding. I felt better being on top even though I was anxious to get to some of the sexual positions we had been missing out on during my pregnancy, especially at the end. I got to control the penetration. I went ever so slow and made sure that I felt everything and really paid attention to my body. I thought it would feel like a gaping hole after having a baby come out of it, but surprisingly it felt really tight for both of us. I was so happy that, that was the case. As I took him deeper and deeper I felt a pinchy feeling on the left of vagina and I started to feel the scar tissue at the perineum. My first intercourse after birth felt like a strange mix of pleasure and pain. I kept moving through it and decided to add more pleasure to the experience by starting some self touch of clitoris. The baby started stirring and we both knew that our time was limited. I brought myself to an orgasm, which of course very different- not the type of clitoral orgasm where I can’t stand stimulation any longer, but I felt like I could keep going and going and going. I asked my partner if he wants to cum, he says “of course”…we both agree it won’t be inside of me, neither of us want any more munchkins at this point. He does the good old coitus interruptus and at the same moment the baby starts to cry, we look at each other for a brief moment of afterglow and say “I love you” and then I am off to tend to a hungry baby who wants to breastfeed instantly.”

Advice
Have sex when you can-don’t try to plan
Let go of sex being perfect
Communicate and be vulnerable
Know that you will have a sex life again- appreciate what you get when you get it
Go Slow and Rush
Have a sense of humor about it all
No Pressure, No Pressure= No Resentment

I am writing a book about sexuality during pregnancy, chilbirth and postpartum. I would love some true stories from women about their experiences. Everything will be kept confidential.

Thanks
Jaiya