I’ve been away for along time, as you all probably know, I don’t get to do much of this anymore. I simply don’t have any time. I used to do a lot of writing, but the world wants me to work, and give them all my money. Yet according to everyone I don’t do anything anyway. Finally after three years at Brown’s I have given up. Why fight them any longer. It’s no use trying. I might as well just agree with them and go on. It does make sense if you think of it. My pay is low. They obviously see me having no more use than a pack mule, but after I do whatever degrading task they ask me to do, then they tell me that I did nothing at all.
So why try any longer. For several years I have tried to prove them all wrong, but its really no use. I have put up with all of their smart ass remarks for far too long. So now there is no reason to fight it anymore. For the past several nights at work, I have imagined that I was somewhere else. Somewhere away from where everyone only wants to put you down, and tell you that you are useless. Now to hear them tell it, I am over paid too. I never thought that anyone would be jealous of what I make, a couple of weeks back I found out different. A few weeks back, I had went into work to pick up my pay check, and had left it laying in the office while I went to the restroom, and when I came back, another guard said to me:
“Josh from now on it might be a good idea for you not to leave your check lying around, because while you were gone, Thomas Devaney was picking up his check and seen how much yours was and said ‘isn’t that pathetic, his check is almost as much as mine, and look at what I do around here.’ So if I were you I wouldn’t leave it lying around any more.”
I was completely and utterly shocked. I’ve seen what Thomas does at work, and yeah he does do quite a bit, but what he doesn’t see is that the only reason I make what I do, and it isn’t much, is because on Mondays I stay over four hours and weigh meat. I get three to four hours over time a week, just to make what I do. That’s the only reason I make $270.00 a week. I don’t know why anyone would be jealous of that. But I guess people think that I should go back to being a part timer, and make anywhere from $100.00 to $120.00 a week. I think that’s what everyone there truly wants. Even though I paid my dues for over two years making that kind of money. I guess everyone wants my pay to be based upon what they think I do, which is next to nothing.
Earlier this week it has came to my attention that several people think that I don’t like them, simply because I don’t talk much. I have to much shit to do, besides talk to everyone that I happen to pass by in the warehouse. What do they expect me to do, dance a little jig and hug their neck every time I see them. One of them even said that I am weird. Just because they make good money, are happy with their lives, doesn’t mean that I am, and I don’t see any need for walking around with a fake smile on my face. I don’t believe in being fake, and I am not going to stand around and act like life is beautiful when it is not.
Despite what everyone thinks of me, I carry on, and don’t let it bother me. So this past week, their was an ad in the paper for a new nightshift supervisor. No one seems to know whether or not there is one of the current supervisors are quitting or moving on to a different position, or if there is going to be three supervisors on nightshift. Which either way, it doesn’t effect me none. One supervisor is the same as the rest in my opinion. I have different bosses than the nightshift crew, and have nothing to do with their part of the job. So my supervisor tells me that I should apply for it. He has been telling to try and get a different job at Brown’s for a while now, and honestly it’s getting on my nerves. So I asked him:
“Why do you want me out of that office so bad?’
His reply was:
“The same reason I want Russell out.”
Russell is another guard on dayshift. I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, but even he knows that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever being a supervisor on nightshift. I don’t say that because I am doubting myself, or putting myself down. I say that because I am at the moment under qualified. It said in the ad in the paper that all applicants that apply, must have fork lift experience, and two to three years of experience as a supervisor in a warehouse. I have forklift experience, but I don’t have two to three years supervisor experience in a warehouse. The only piece of equipment that I don’t have experience on in the entire building are the propane lifts, which I would like to be certified to use, simply because they are mainly used by maintenance, and I would like to someday like to leave security and be a maintenance guy, because no one makes fun of maintenance.
But yeah, I know that I am not someone that they would want in charge over nightshift. Even though, I was still joking with those guys and telling them that I was going to be their next boss. They all don’t seem to like the sound of that. Even though I told them that the bulk on each pallet that they pick would be divided up equally. They all want to pick the bulk items, which is easier for them to pick, but only a select few of them get very much of it. Matter of fact, only two of them gets all the bulk, and the rest of them are jealous because of it. If I were a boss I would try and eliminate that kind of negativity, by making everything as fair to everyone else as possible. I don’t understand the process completely, but I would try to at least do my best to make sure they knew that they were not intentionally getting, as they so often put it, “fucked.”
They all though that the concept of me being their boss was hilarious, and told me that I was not moving on to any other jobs, and that I was staying right where they were at. One of even looked at me and said:
“If they made you my boss, I would quit.”
So my reply was:
“Well if that be the case, right there is the door, and out there is the road.”
With that kind of response, I now truly know what those boys really think of me. I knew it all along, but hearing it from their own mouths did sort of bother me. Honestly I wouldn’t try and be mean to those boys. I would treat them fairly. I told them that I would be a fair and just leader, and try and work with them, rather than against them. But those boys don’t like anyone. That’s the way it has always been. Those boys are negative, because of the negative environment they work in. Everything that goes on is negative. there is talk of blatant homosexuality. Which really raises questions. They constantly talk about everything being gay, and one another being gay. But that’s not the worst of it. There is one guy on nightshift that gets picked on more than anyone I have ever seen. This guy is kind of small, and goofy looking, but he is really a god guy. But those guys talk about fucking his mom, and they say that this guy fucks his own mom, and the guy sits there and takes it. Now how fucked up is that. I have asked him many times, why he lets them talk about him that way. And he says, “ah they don’t mean nothing by it.” The hell they don’t. I beg to differ. If they didn’t mean anything by it, they wouldn’t constantly say it. I told the boy that if any of them were ever to say anything like that about my mom, I would fucking kill them. And I said it in front of all of them.
It all boils down to negativity. They have no one to enforce the rules, and there is no fairness. Yeah I know the old saying “life isn’t fair,” but the only reason that it isn’t is because people make it unfair. They call it survival of the fittest, but nepotism doesn’t make one person any fitter than anyone else. If I did have any sort of authority what so ever, I would try and eliminate the negativity and the jealousy.
But I don’t, so hopefully whoever is going to be their new boss will try and do the right thing, and cut out the negativity. But I do know now just how most everyone there thinks of me. All I can do is make it appear that I have given in, and pretend to be a broken man, and continue to prove myself, and in the process prove them wrong.
