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i'm in a dry spell, blog-wise, i just haven't felt like committing anything to paper. i think i do this when i'm doing a lot of processing of thoughts and events. god knows, i can talk about a whole lot of nothing, but writing is different, more permanent. i can't remember what i ate for lunch yesterday and half the crap that comes out of my mouth is just verbal softshoe... a way filling up the silence and making me feel more confident, i smoke for the same reasons. don't get me wrong here, there's the whole physical addiction thing, but it's the psychological hook that separates the smokers from the dabblers. when you smoke, you look busy, you have a purpose and there is a lot to be said for not looking lost, as anyone who has ever met the eyes of a lost looking person can tell you... i know why i do a lot of the things i do, but contrary to what "G.I. Joe" told us, knowing is not always half the battle. Socrates said, "know thyself", he did not say know thyself, then fix thyself... Lao-tzu said, he who knows others is learned; he who knows himself is wise... melinda kingsley would like to add ...but jesus, how stupid the sometimes wise can be.
i go back and forth on what i think the importance of knowing yourself, is. i don't think it makes us better people and i don't thinks it makes our lives easier so, why did Socrates think it was the first rule? one of my favorite movies ever is "bound". i can't decide if i want gina gershon's character "corky" in that movie, or want to be her... when my sister was in new york on a trip, she went to see "cabaret" with gina gershon playing Sally Bowles. after the show my little southern sister, runs up to gina (we're on a first name basis) and yells in her drawling way, "ms. gershon! ms. gershon! can i take get your autograph and take your picture with me, my sister loves you! i currently have the picture on my desk and have to chuckle everytime i look at it. god bless you manda jane.
in "bound", Corky verbally attacks Violet after finding her in a compromising situation by asserting Violet is not who she pretends to be. in this perfect moment, Violet confides to corky "we make our own choices, we pay our own prices". it's what Socrates meant i think, he charges us to move in the obvious light and not to fumble, blindly in the darkness of our lives, to know the whys of what we do. make your own mistakes and most importantly... pay your own price.
A Ritual To Read To Each Other
If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.
For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.
And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.
And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider—
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.
For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give—yes or no, or maybe—
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep.
—William Stafford
2:57 AM
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