I've recently come to realize that I have no female friends. I mean...I have some fantastic female best friends in Ohio...but nobody here in Arizona. Because of this, I've started wondering if that is exactly what I need to balance myself out.
When I lived in Ohio...I was a bitter, angry, pile of hate...but, I had a girl friend (not girlfriend) to settle my ass down. She put up with all of my insane ranting and bitching...and somehow, in the end I always felt a little better. I could go to dinner with her...I could watch a movie with her...I could get drunk off of my ass and sleep on her floor. She tolerated all of my faults, and shitty comments. She would listen to me complain for hours on end...and still talk to me the next day.
Women add this element to conversation that men don't even have. I don't know what it is...call it emotion, or caring, or female mind fuck. Whatever it is, it's so insanely comforting. Like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest every time I open up and start talking to the opposite sex.
Because of this, I am now taking applications for "Farina's Arizona Female Best Friend Forever." FAFBFF for short. If you feel you "fit the bill" please contact me as soon as possible. I will be taking applications until January 25th...since I will need to select my FAFBFF before my birthday. (It's not that I celebrate my birthday...it's just that I'm really depressed for it.)
Applicants should meet or exceed the following criteria:
- Moderate to High-Level Experience with alcohol consumption
- Opinionated and free thinking - comfortable with speaking her mind
- Tolerant of sexist, racist, religionist comments.
- Very tolerant of dry humor...or not funny humor...or that kind of humor that is funny because it's so terribly not funny.
- Willing to fill a girlfriend-like role, without actually being a girlfriend:
- Attends events with Farina
- Goes hiking, climbing, dancing, shopping...all that gay shit I like
- Allows me to pay at nice restaurants
- Enjoys cuddling on the couch while watching a movie (optional)
- Loves animals
- Loves bulleted lists
- Aids in the quest to find Farina some sex
- Available anywhere from 20-90% of an average week.
Optional bonus criteria:
- A bit pushy and controlling. Willing to smack me out of a funk
- Willing to drive some nights when we go out
- Willing to split the bill or adhere to the "You got the bill last time" system.
- Likes to trade back-rubs...and doesn't think they are romantic
- Lesbians...make AWESOME female friends
- Actually, those kinds of girls that will have sex with you...but aren't dating you...those are fucking sweet friends too.
- So I guess either of those previous bullets would be great
To apply, please send your resume to Farina ASAP. You will be required to attend at least one dinner during the interview process.
If you refer a selected FAFBFF, you may be eligible to receive a "finders fee." Terms and conditions may vary.