So on the verge of my birthday, which happens to be the same day I'm moving (I've noticed I'm almost always traveling or moving on or around my birthday) I spent my last few days of this year and this place with family and in a state of introspection. (Which is perpetual and unending) Tonight I came home early from seeing my nephew-just five months and already the most amazing thing I've ever seen-and ended up somehow pulled over, laying on my back on the asphalt road listening to 'The Stars' by Patrick Wolf and staring aimlessly at everything above me, everything bigger then me. Perplexed by this surreal idea that's not an idea at all: giant masses of strange gases and chemicals burning, living, dying. Planets moving, exsisting and changing.
The cycles.
Here I am, somewhere walking on the earth while stars millions of years old die, and in their death have the potential to create entire solar systems, that may one day create life as stupidly prone to these ridiculous bouts of introspection as we are. (That 'we' part is purely speculation I must say, as often I feel entirly alone in all my extremity of emotions. Surely if everyone were feeling this much nothing would ever get done! I can barley remember to do my laundry.) But these huge changes are happening. Bigger then our brains can even wrap around. And I'm watching it happen. With my tiny eyes. Worlds upon worlds and layers upon layers and it's seemingly never ending and hardly noticed. And how small are we, yet so immediate to the cycle-like some cosmic tipping point, really would the entire path of the universe be completely and totally different were my nephew never born? I'm beginning to think so. We are all a part of the world, and not just in some spiritual way, in a tangible real way. No one is insignificant to the whole, even as small as we are.
The connections between neurons in the brain-all those little sparks, like the sparks between the humans that house those very thoughts. The connections that turn into love or lust and the sex that turns into creation of a new life. And then it starts all over with a new life and new neurons making new connections that will turn into thoughts, thoughts that can and will change the world we occupy. Universes inside of universes inside of universes, all the way down to the most miniscule of systems and the most gigantic of unexplored universes.
...and so I sobbed hysterically. Not out of sadness really, though I can't say out of what. Sometimes I just get so damn full of emotion and it just has to come out, and that emotion is just too pure to even give a name to. This happens more often then I would ever let anyone know.
Well, until just now, I guess.
But you see what I mean about not being able to remember the laundry.
I'd say I'm just dramatic around birthdays but I go through this stuff daily, so much that I've had to ban certain songs from my car that actually insight such overflows of emotion in me like the aforementioned, 'The Stars', and also 'All Is Full of Love' by Bjork. I have to save them for when I'm in a place to handle...all that.
Though if anyone ever asks me again what love is, in addition to my normal answers which include: The very last scene of Hedwig and The Angry Inch, the song, 'There Is A Light' by The Smiths and the moment in the movie Benny and Joon at the end when they're making a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron? Yeah, and that Proclaimers song comes on? The one everyone had stuck in their heads for the better part of the 90's? Oh my god I cry every time. Every damn time.
Digressing.
Well, in addition to all that I will add: love is someone I can lie on my back with in the middle of the road and cry out of happiness over the significance of, well, everything.
That's not too much to ask, is it? Christ, I don't even care about gender.
Who has time to worry about gender or laundry!?
Don't you see it? The universe-it's happening!