I recently learned that Polar Bears are endangered.  I'm sure that, to Seals, this news flew through the land on wings of Angels.  To the Bears, not so much.

Now environmentalists and Man-Bear-Pig enthusiasts everywhere are racking their collective brain trying to figure out how to save them.  Look no more, my large white and furry friends.  You have a new savior and his name is Keith.  From here on out he shall be known as Nobel Prize winner, Keith "the polar bear savior" Sereduck.  And he shall be loved. 

So, what exactly is the issue?  It seems that the disappearing ice is making it tougher for the bears to hunt.  Less food means less bears.  Less bears means happy seals.  Too many seals on happy gas means an armed seal-force slowly taking over Canada and leading to a knew cold war on our northern border.  And this time, they mean business, my friends.  I'll take a replay with the Soviet regime over hungry seals with guns any day.

So, how do we fix it?  I'd like to say it would be as simple as moving said bears to Antarctica; but, as we've learned, people (or bears) in trouble don't seem to want to move any more.  What did the Pilgrims do when they didn't like their treatment in England?  Did they just sit there and put up with it?  Heck no.  They said two words:  'ello,  America.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, if you don't have something, move to where it is.  No job in the city?  Hightail it to the country.  No water due to drought?  Move to where the water is.  No Chic-fil-a in your town?  Move down south...you won't regret it.  Anyway, I think you get the point.  These bears aren't smart enough to migrate, so we have to figure it out for them. 

Dinosaurs. Those were smart creatures.  They took adapting to a whole new level.  Dudes, lets become birds!  Birds?  What are birds?  I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that, if we become them, we won't die!  Dude, I am so a bird right now.  And, the rest is history.  Unless you're a bible thumper, in which case, nothing I just said makes sense because you probably don't believe in dinosaurs.  Or birds.  But, I digress.  This is about Polar Bears.  I think we all believe in them.

When I want a cold soda, I put ice in it.  If my ice melts, the soda becomes warmer.  If I want it cold again, I put in some more ice.  Now, while I would love to say solving the polar bear dilemma of 2008 would be as simple as paying some Inuits to heave ice cubes into the ocean, I can't.  But, it's close.  While watching TV the other night, I heard a THUNK! in my kitchen.  It was then that it hit me.  Ice makers.  We all have them in our refrigerators now.  Well, those of us who are cool.  And speaking of things that are cool...ice, my friends, is cool.  And it is ice that will save our bear friends to the north. 

Here's what we do...We build ice makers on the north pole, Greenland, etc.  Only, BIG ones that make BIG ice.  Here's the beauty.  Just like the little ones in our refrigerators, they require water.  Where do they get it?  The ocean.  This will also solve the whole water level rising issue.  So these machines sit out there, they constantly suck up water like Bill Clinton sucks up souls and Oprah sucks up Cheeseburgers.  They release ten ton ice cubes into the water.  The bears have a polar paradise.  The seals retreat into the cold black abyss of their evil seal hearts.  And, me?  I gain the title of Lord Protector, accept my Nobel Peace Prize with humility, and TOTALLY rename it the Nobel Keith Prize.  Totally.

But, really......if you want to solve the problem....look to your soda.   Listen to your ice maker.  Therein lies the solution.  You heard it here first. 

Peace.  Love.  Keith.