Slight change of plans -- I intend to start publishing more blogs as "public". I was resistant to the idea in the past because there are many people who know me in real life and know where to find this blog, but frankly that seems excessive anymore. Almost nobody reads it, and I can't get feedback if it's always private.
So, today I wanted to think about the intensity of emotion one feels for another person, when in a romantic relationship. Now, to be clear, I'm talking about the sort of relationship which is ostensibly "healthy", as opposed to that which is "toxic". If you're looking for contrast, review Sheila's recent blog on toxic relationships.
Once upon a time, I was dating Anonymous Female (AF). AF was bright, motivated, has a great job and a tidy place downtown, never married, no children, about eight years younger than me, which is (at my age) okay as I would like more children.
Most of the time, AF and I got along fine. She had one or two annoying tendencies, such as being bossy and judgemental, or disapproving unexpected circumstances before evaluating. These came out later, after she was more comfortable in the relationship, but I was able to tolerate both.
I was aware almost immediately that she was "full of fear". I use that phrase in quotes because the thought that actually passed through my mind was, "I sense much fear in you."[1] The full quote is, "Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you." Yes, it's Yoda and yes, it rings true. I knew there would be trouble because of her fear: fear makes us behave irrationally. We had several moments of tension, which we resolved quickly with logical and adult conversation. We also had two moments of double-plus[2] tension, which we did not resolve quickly with logical and adult conversation.
The first moment of double-plus tension, I snapped. I was furious, and ended it. We later resolved that we wanted to at least be friends, a defensive ploy which we quickly abandonned with a bout of smooching.
The second moment of double-plus tension came not too much later, with a childish move on her part. At first I responded with insight and blah blah blah, but pretty soon she started pressing my buttons andI started to steam. I was self-aware enough to tell her to stop pushing, to tell her to relax etcetera. She did not stop, instead becoming more and more frantic and getting me more and more incensed. Within ten minutes, I snapped. I was furious, and ended it. We spoke again only to trade the last of our things, and not since.
In both cases, snapping was a function of how angry I was. Furious. Unreasonably, irrationally angry. Angry. Anger. Hey, waitaminute... haven't we figured out where anger comes from?
"FEAR leads to anger."
Damn.
Some of my reading[3] suggests that it's only with the ones who make us truly crazy that we can become truly sane. This suggests, further, that I should consider connecting with AF again.
I try to be introspective, though the good Lord knows I fail as much as anybody else at it. I try! But in this case, I don't think I can manage to overcome my emotional response and reconnect. Too much water under the bridge? Maybe. Maybe too concerned about the emotional toll of reconnecting with someone who can get under my skin so easily. Fear....
So, this blog was not about soliciting advice. I have been told in no uncertain terms, by a few people whom I trust, that I need to hunt this one down again. I don't think I can bring myself to do so. But tell me, does this situation resonate with you? Have you been in a similar position? How can you tell between the ones who piss you off because you are vulnerable to them, and the ones who piss you off because they're self-absorbed brats without a shred of insight? (No, that was not a comment directed at AF)