What some people fail to notice is that abused men and women look for abusers. I was in one abusive relationship after another until I finally took note:  It's me not them...I was raised in an abusive household so I honestly thought that was what a relationship was supposed to be. I was 19 years old having coffee with a much older friend of mine, I still had my bf's hand prints wrapped around my throat in the form of bruises and I asked her..."you know when your boyfriend smacks you" my girlfriend looked at me like I was crazy she informed me that no one had the right to lay a hand on me and God as my witness I never knew that. My parents hit me, when Mom got tired she called the neighbors to smack my ass. I was never allowed rights to my own person and yes, there were some really nice guys sprinkled throughout my teens but I threw them aside for the guys who would give me what was in my twisted little mind "a real relationship" If he loves me enough to want to control every aspect of my life he must truly love me. I am proud to say I acknowledged my problem and I have'nt gotten my ass handed to me since 1995. YEH ME!
 

Good for you!  Stay strong!  I am sorry you had to live your first 19 years not knowing how to really love and be loved. 
 

man, this a good subject. there's many reasons people could stay in relationships like that tho... it could b fear, love, for the sake of a child (if there is one), acceptance, learned helplessness... actually i think that's the main one. after a while, people will start to believe that there's nothing they can do about the situation, and rather than seek help or a way to fix it, they accept it as the unavoidable.

i know a thing or two about this 'cuz my mama was in one for a second (and i say second 'cuz as soon as he crossed da line, he got knocked da fk back). it is a problem, especially for women, and is sadly overlooked...

 

i have to say, thats probably the # 1reason, people can "sugarcoat" all they want, but the bottom line always is,  "i'm scared"

 

I think it has a lot to do with self esteem, I mean if your told day in and day out that your no good and nobody will want you, people start to believe that. Also in a lot of cases its the whole "I love him and I can change him" My friend went through that it was very tough to get her out.
 

HEY . . .OK HERE IS MY OPINION ON THE ABUSE ISSUE,  I THINK THERE IS A FEAR OF BEING ALONE. IN SOME RELATIONSHIPS, THE WEAK ONE IS MADE TO FEEL AS THOUGH THEY ARE NOT "GOOD ENOUGH" OR THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL WANT THEM AND IT STARTS TO BE BELIEVED. I SAY THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT WILL TREAT YOU BETTER, AND WITH RESPECT . . .MEN AND WOMAN BOTH NEED TO REALIZE THEIR SELF WORTH AND STICK UP FOR THEM SELVES!!!! WHATEVER THE TYPE OF ABUSE

. . .IT'S WRONG!!!  I'VE BEEN THERE AND NOW HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND!!! AND IT WASN'T EASY GETTING OUT OF THE "SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH ME" PHASE!!! THANKS FOR BRINGING THIS TOPIC UP, PEOPLE NEED TO BE AWARE!!

 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE PHYSICALLY ABUSED, BUT I DO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE VERBALLY ATTACKED. I WONDER IF THIS IS EVEN WORSE, BECAUSE AN INJURY HEALS, BUT HURT FEELINGS, AND SLIPPING SELF ASTEEM CAN LAST A MUCH LONGER TIME.

EITHER WAY, I THINK AN ABUSED PERSON MUST HAVE SLIGHTLY LOWER SELF ASTEEM TO START WITH, OR THEY WOULDN'T STAND FOR IT. BUT I THINK THE OVERWHELMING REASON, IS THAT THEY FEEL TRAPPED.  TRAPPED IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT THEY SOMEHOW FEEL THEY CANNOT GET OUT OF. WHETHER IT BE BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK, OR HAVE ANY MONEY, OR THEY HAVE CHILDREN TO CONSIDER.  MAYBE THEY ARE EVEN AFRAID THAT THE ABUSER WILL FIND THEM, AND HURT THEM EVEN MORE. 

I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT THOSE OF US WHO HAVE MONEY, CAN OPEN UP MORE AND MORE SAFE HOUSES FOR THOSE WHO ARE LESS FORTUNATE. REGARDLESS OF WHAT IS HAPPENING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE SHOULD NEVER BE TOLORATED.  THEY MUST LEAVE, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE HUMILIATED, ABUSED, OR VERBALLY ATTACKED BY SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY LOVE THEM.

 

I grew up in a abusive family. I did brake the chain and not follow but in some cases its called the roller coaster ride and they need that in there life because thats what there use to. Another reason is because they mentally abuse them so bad that they brake down there self worth and thats all they deserve in there life. The truth is no one and I  mean no one deserve to be abused mentally or physically. I realized that a normal guy really isnt boring. I had to realize my worth. I found a great guy who know my valve too. We all deserve the best that life can give us so dont settle for anything less than you deserve.  Love yourself for who you are.
 

GREAT SUBJECT BTW:  I BELIEVE YOU GO THROUGH THINGS IN LIFE BECAUSE YOUR MEANT TO LEARN FROM THEM, TO GROW AS A PERSON, AND BECAUSE ITS A PART OF YOUR DESTINY IN LIFE.

I WAS IN 2 ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS, THE FIRST ONE HE WAS AN AGRESSIVE PERSON AND I KINDA LIKED IT, BUT THEN IT WENT TO FAR AND I WAS YOUNG AND SAID FORGET IT.  AFTER THAT I REMEMBERED THAT GUY AND LIKED HIS ATTITUDE BUT PUSHED ASIDE THE FACT THAT HE TRIED TO HURT ME.

THE SECOND MAN I MET LATER ON IN LIFE FIT THE ABOVE DESCRIPTION AND IT WAS GREAT FOR A BIT, I DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK FOR MYSELF (WHICH I KNOW IS WRONG NOW), DO FOR MYSELF (COULD I HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG) BUT ONE DAY IT ALL CHANGED HE GOT MORE AND MORE ABUSIVE AND I STAYED OUT OF FEAR AND LOVE AND I COULD CHANGE HIM....TILL ONE DAY I JUST HAD ENOUGH AND LEFT.

I REALIZE NOW THAT THOSE TWO MEN I WAS SEEKING OUT WERE MY FATHER, THE ALCOHOLIC WHO LIVED AT THE BAR INSTEAD OF HOME, THE ABUSER MENTALLY AND COUPLE TIMES PHYSICALLY TO MY MOTHER.  I CRAVED THAT ATTENTION NO MATTER WHAT WAY I COULD GET IT, AND I GOT IT, BUT AFTER IT WAS OVER I REALIZED THAT AS LONG AS I GAVE MY POWER AWAY, AS LONG AS I GAVE EVERYTHING AND GOT BACK NOTHING IN RETURN, ABUSE IS WHAT I WOULD BE GETTING. 

NOW I AM MARRIED TO THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN ON EARTH WHO HELPED ME TRUST AND LOVE AND GIVE OF MYSELF WITHOUT FEAR. OF COURSE RELIGION HELPED TOO.  THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!

 

Hey Josh,

    Very good question.  I myself, have been in all those types you mentioned, and one of them had all of those factors in it.   Sometimes, you aren't sure why you stay in the relationship.  For me, it was fear of being alone and having no money and really no place to turn.

  Never again.  If I even sense that he is being abusive to me or others, I'm out.  There is no excuse for a man or a woman to be cruel to the one they supposedly love or care about.  My experiences have built a wall around my heart so I will never be hurt like that again.

   The physical abuse I endured was not what you think, but it was still physical abuse. He never hit me.  He grabbed my right hand, squeezed as hard as he could and bent back, threatening to break my hand.  I had had enough of his bull crap and simply told him, "Go ahead! You are a dead man walking anyway. I told you never put your hands on me in a negative way."  He let go and pushed me into the side of the couch.  Even though I was already sitting on the side of the couch, I caught the arm of the couch in my right side.

    I had a sprained hand and sore ribs.  I did call the police on him, but unfortunately, he had disappeared.  I only saw him twice since then.  But I'm over it now.  He's still afraid of me! I'm all of 5'4 and he's 6'0 and 280lbs! I think it's rather humorous that I now hold the power over that coward.  I never intended to cause him harm, as I refuse to bend to his level.  I just put the fear of God in him.

  I am currently seeing someone who is wonderful to me.  He is not abusive or mean.  He cares about me and I care about him. 

Thanks for letting me share this with you.

 

My whole life I've been in abusive relationships to the point of hospitalization because of almost being murdered a number of times. Police calls, emergency room visits, excuses to friends and family over bruises and cuts and scrapes and why I can't attend family functions, etc.  Good news is that after years of therapy I  have realized that the person I [was] looking for is my father [figure] who was an alcoholic and abuser in MANY ways to me when I was a very young child until age 12.  I sought those type of men in order to "fix" my dad.  I realize now that it cannot be done -- EVER.  Did I love those abusive men? Yes, I did.  Was I afraid of them? Yes, I was.  Will I ever be in another relationship like that again?  No, I won't, because now I know how to read the red flags, pay attention to my instincts and intuition and steer clear of those situations.  Believe me, there are warning signs, if you only chose to heed them.  I truly hope that whoever reads this and is in an abusive relationship (or knows someone who is) ... please know that you can get out of it.  Make a plan, save your money, pack a "run-away" bag for you (and your children if you have them), call a women's shelter, call the police, look online for help.  The sooner you are free of any abusive relationship the better YOU will be and so will your children.  Message me if you'd like -- I can give you pointers.  I don't even know who will read this but if you are in a bad relationship -- you deserve better because you are worth it!   ~Mahdi from Racine
 

I hear you loud and clear! I'm formerly from Racine, and I can't think of a better example than my own parents who fought all the time, my older sister who was in a few bad ones.  I'm glad to hear that you got out and physically survived.  I don't think we ever get over the mental part as quickly.  And what you said very true... we don't realize that we are looking for our dad's.  My father abused me too.  It was later discovered that he had a drinking problem.  He quit drinking and the abuse stopped. 

   It took me a long time to forgive him.  And when I did, I was 21 and all he could do was cry and tell me how proud he is of me and tell me what a beautiful young lady I turned out to be.  He asked me for forgivness.  I granted it to him.  I'm glad I did because he passed away in July 2005.  I miss him like crazy.

  Thanks for sharing your story and the hope that survival is possible.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I think fear has alot to do with it.  It took a couple of broken bones and my kids telling me they didn't want me to die to get me to overcome my fears and self doubts.  I had to do something.  I basically rediscovered myself.  It took alot of soul searching to find the person I had been several years ago.  Years of being told that I wasn't good enough, stupid, whatever..I had heard it all.  My husband telling me one thing, my friends telling me something else.  Luckily I had the finanacial ability to get the heck out of there.  That didn't last long though.  Once my ex found out I was divorcing him, all cash flow stopped.  I had to get a job and find creative ways to pay the bills.  Believe me ex's find ways to control you.  Well, at least they make a good attempt at trying.  They will use money, your children even your safety as a tool to get what they want.  The abuse still remains, it just changes form.  It's a hard cycle to break, but it can be done.  There are people out there that can help.  I strongly urge anyone in an abuse relationship to find someone you can talk to.  If you truly love the abuser and know they can be helped go for it, but staying just because you think it's your only option isn't smart .....   or safe.  If anybody wants to talk or you need some advice, message me... I've been there.  I know how hard it is and I know how hopeless you can feel. Things can change, but only if you take the first step.   Wendy 

 

Hi Wendy and all others,

I thank J for this blog, I like Wendy say has alot to do with FEAR. I was in abusive relationship for seven years and in those seven years alot of the abuse was physical and verbal... After awhile you loose your self esteem but most of all your dignity that self respect,.. But I am glad I got out with my families help.. Yes there is alot of help out there. And yes things do change and only like Wendy say only if you take that first step.. Now I work with children, teens that have been abused in one job and with women in another. And hearing them really makes you think alot of what you could have done to help yourself. I hope that this blog reaches thousand and millions out there that need to leave that abusive situation. God Bless you all.

 

 

Well said Wendy!!! Good for you!  You are one of the few who make it out alive.  God Bless -

Trish

 

I was in two abusive relationships from the time I was 13 until I was 25.  Both were 5 years each and both were verbally and mentally abusive.  Only the first was somewhat physical.  With the first guy, I stayed for a few reasons.  One, I was young and he was my first love; two, he had brainwashed me in such a way, gradually, over the years, that I actually believed that no one else would want me or even find me smart or attractive; and three, he kep me so shut out from the outside world, that I wasn't even sure I knew HOW to function in society anymore. I had barely any friends left.  Finally, once I stood up for myself and ended that, I thought I had actually found a guy I could rely on, but after a while, I realized it was almost just as bad the first relationship I was in.  What stopped me this time was we were already in the throws of wedding planning!  I did eventually discover I couldn't marry him and ended the engagment 9 months b4 the wedding. 

I feel I am in a healthy relationship now and we love each other and respect each other equally.  But, I think the knowledge I took from the bad relationships helped me find my true love. 

 

Why do I sit by and watch him tell another girl he loves her?

Why do I sit by and watch him call another girl baby?

Why do I force a smile on my face and walk into a room filled with is family that have no trouble telling me that they hate me?

Why did I stop singing and give up all of my male friends?

Why did I give up everything and move to another town where I knew no one?

Why? 2 words: My daughter
 

I did the same thing after 20 years ......I still feel like I made the right choice. I left everything , moved 200 miles from every one and everything. I still feel he won.....he has a life and his family , I am hear with a few new friends and my children who go to their home every other weekend and see their " perfect dad"
 

Hate to say it, but trish is right amy...hon i know...i stayed in an abusive marriage for 11 years and he finally left...when really I should have years before....in fact I was in two abusive marriages....and had been in a relationship before that where I was raped stabbed and left for dead by a fiancee....honey, I know all about being beat down til ya feel like you are nothing and only stayin for your kids, but you know what.....when that last husband left....both my kids were relieved...they could see how unhappy they had been with him here and what a difference it made in me after he left and they both say they are glad he's gone, even tho he's my daughter's father.  She still visits him occasionally, but even that can be stopped if he starts abusing her verbally or mentally....so don't think your daughter is a reason to stay...take her with you even if you have to run to do it and by that i mean to a shelter....things are better now...they are more protective of women like you than they used to be and the laws are better about protecting you both too!
 

Amy,

There is help for women like us. 

Think about this for a moment - you stay for your daughter, right?  Do you think that showing her that this type abuse is allowable?  Whatever you tolerate in your life - she will tolerate in hers.  If you want her to be a victorious younge woman - than you MUST do something victorious.  It's hard to leave - but it's harder to stay. 

I was trated bad - just like you.  My daughters were little at the time - they are now 16 & 19. One of my daughters had an abusive boyfriend - she tolerated what she witnessed me go through.  That includes the cheating - the verbal abuse.  My other daughter has set the bar higher in her life - because she saw me set the bar higher in my own life.  It was lonely...it was scary.  But I wouldnt trade my life now for what I had than.   I now have a happy - victorious life that my daughters aspire to have.  My daughter who dated the abusive guy - no longer dates him..and she has gone throught he counseling and is doing better in school....but it took a lot out of her.  Just as it has you - I am sure of it.  

If you stay for your daughter - than leave for the same reason.  Love yourself - so she will learn to love herself.

Trish

 

Amy,

  Trish is right. You are better to leave. Your Daughter will grow up thinking that she should allow the same crap to happen to her, because you showed her it was. Even if you tell her different the fact that you stay and allow it to happen, especially if you tell her you stay for her, she will feel like it was her fault. I never realized how much children pick up on, til I had some. They see and feel more than you think, even over the little stuff. You are your Daughter's example of how to be a woman,  mother and wife. Show her the right way, to be strong and loved. If your husband treats you that way, he doesn't love you. Not real love, his is sick love. Run as fast as you can, and as for your Daughter, not every man was meant to be a Daddy. They can all be a Father and make a baby, but to be a Daddy and love and nurture, not all should do that. She might be better off without him. Good luck and I hope you choose yourself, cause you deserve to be loved and honored. 

 

Hi Trish,

I am sure glad that you like myself made it out alive,, yes we stay in those relationships for our kids, and I know that our kids see everything when they are little and I thank God for helping me teach my girls to not take what happened to lightly... I am glad they don't really remember those bad things they saw,, Now my girls are 26-25-21 and they are prosperouis they have there own families and live the life I wish I could have lived with them as a two parent family. But it all works out for the best he would have never changed, he does the same to his aother wife.. Good luck to her....

Love you guys.

Diane

 

I think that the reason why women and men stay in abusive relationships is because they might think that they are not good enough for a good relationship or that they don't deserve a good relationship I never been in a abusive relationship or know anyone who been in one but I believe that the main reasons is lack of self esteem and maybe fear that if they leave this person that they will have no one to love them and to be wtih them. 

 

There are many reasons that women and men stay in these relationships.  They range from low self esteem, or just sheer fear that they are someone they love may be hurt or killed if they leave. 
 

I've been in an abusive relationship for 30 yrs this April 17th. It's not physical, but mental. I stayed at first because I have seen too many kids suffer through a nasty divorce. I never wanted my kids to have to go through that. Now I think that the reason I am still in the relationship is because now I am 47 years old and at this point in my life it's really hard to think about even trying to start a relationship with anyone else. I have a few people in mind. Most of them are his friends because I don't have friends of my own. I actually let one of them know that I liked him and was interested in starting a relationship with him, and he told my husband. I could never understand why he would tell me how much he didn't like the way I was treated, but still tell him? After that I just decided that it was better to keep my feels to myself. What else can I do??  I am a very friendly, caring and passionate person and I guess hurting someone is not me! I know that most of the guys that are my husbands friends are just looking for a good time. That hurts me, because I can't see just screwing around will be any different then being mentally abused. I need to take a step in the right direction, but at this point I think I have taken all the wrong ones. Right now I have a dog that is my best friend ( Golden Retriver named Rief) and he is what keeps me going along with my grandkids. I am very good at giving advice to people being abused, but very bad at taking my own advice. I have had a few younger guys ask me out and ask me to spend sometime with them in the sexual way. Man am I screwing up my life even more or what.. lol

I guess I have poured out my life story enough and probably said more then I should at this point. All I know is what I want is someone to grow old with and enjoy life. Is that too much too ask???????

 

I believe people stay in abusive relationships due to, very low self esteem, not wanting to start over in life, nowhere to go,and afraid of what the other person may do to them if they leave. there could be many things why a person may stay in an abusive relationship number one: being very low self esteem of ones self. this is very tragic and hard to swallow but this is the sad truth.
 

Not to attack you personally, but everyone that is saying that it is from very low self esteem...it is not. My fear of leaving him was more about what is he going to do to me when I say I want to leave him. Believe me that fear came true when I told him. We were seperated which he amazingly agreed to. I went to pick him up to take him to our daughter parent teachers conference. That's when he asked me...What do you think is going to happen to us / our marriage? Then that is when I told him we need to get a divorce. Then he went upstairs into his room and called me up there...stupid me for going yes...

I went up there and he took our 6 month old (at the time) out of my hands and laid him down on the bed and then threw me on the bed and tried to have his way with me one last time before he would agree to divorce me...when I wouldn't let him then he punched me in my right eye and used my head as a punching bag 5 times before he stopped and realized what he just did.  He flew down stairs with our baby and got me an ice pack...(nice guy huh?)

I got up and stumbled down stairs in a daze grabbed our son and drove my ass to the police station to go press charges on him. Before I could get any info out I passed out in the station. When I came to they took his info and sent me to the ER to get x-rays of the damages.

So being in such a relationship and I didn't have low self esteem UNTIL I was divorced from him...I think that the low self esteem part was from him over time and then after the fact it made me realize that HEY this low self esteem is from him. It took me a long time to get my self esteem back....and sometimes I still feel low in the self esteem part but then my b/f now reminds me that I have a better life.

Again, not attacking you personally...just wanted to state this.

 

some people, like myself, stay in abusive relationships for many reasons.

fear of leaving and having the partner take revenge
fear of leaving so they dont hurt the partner
fear of leaving due to fear of being alone
low self esteem
low self worth

i just ended a relationship because it felt like a previous one in which there were many similarities. both drank heavily, both were physically stronger, both were intimidating, both were verbally abusive.

i felt like i was reprising the role that reese witherspoon played as "nicole" in the movie "Fear"

i got very scared because he was very jealous of a friend of mine that lived in another state and he got verbally abusive and made me feel worthless.

 

hope this sheds some light on the blog subject

 

nikki

 

sometimes you end up in another relationship because it is what you are used to.

 

I was in a relationship that was abusive, physically, mentally,and verbally , only for a short time because the first time he put his hands on me was his last and I'll just leave it at that. I think one of the main reason some women stay in abusive relationships is because they don't know their self worth. When you don't know your self worth you have low self esteem, and you are vulnerable to abuse of any kind. Women who can heed the red flags of an abuser, more than likely have had positive male role models. There are young women today who are prime for abusive relationships especially minority women, because their are not a lot of two parent homes with male role models.
 

Well, I know why I stayed....the first time....I stayed out of love hoping things would get better, and too, I didn't want to admit failure.  Didn't happen and he left....

The second time, my second marriage....I stayed for alot of reasons...I was sick, unemployed, had a son who was ill, and a small daughter....also, still hoped it could be worked out (deluding myself there, and will never do that again cuz now I know it just never works out), and again, didn't want to admit failure...especially for a second time...and partially because of my upbringing...was raised to believe when you got married you stayed married no matter what...yanno? the for better or worse thing? vows are vows and you never get promised which end of that you'll get, so if ya get worse..well, hell ya knew it was a possibility when you married.  Still....no matter what your reasons are, religious, the kids, hoping for better days, pride, whatever....it aint worth it, take it from someone who's only HAD abusive relationships.....get out and get out fast!!!! Even if it means being alone....hell, in a relationship like that, you are alone anyway, whether ya know it or not.

 

I think ppl stay in abusive relationships because of several reasons. One reason is because they have low self - esteem and they crave the attention that they are finally getting from a person.  Anotherreason is because they start out in a loving relationship and wheen the person gets abusive they misinterpret the abuse for love. 

I spent years in an abusive relationship with my mom.  She put me down all the time and made my life a living hell but I thought it was normal.  So when I became an adult I placed myself in relationships with men who treated similar to the way my mom treated me.  It wasn't until I met a loving and wonderful man who opened my eyes to what I was subjecting myself to that I realized the pattern.

 

 

As usual Josh, most of your topics hit home. Make you think and wonder and add your two cents plus.

I am more of a plus kind of person.

Abusive relationships, how they hit home with me.

My dad was a drunk abusive man, from what I know and understand that is the way his dad was too.  My sister A, went through two drunks abusive in different way men.  My sister M, who recently died from drugs/alcohol and the pain she was in. Drank and did drugs and was in abusive relationships.

I think my brother/wife were at one time, but escape it from getting illnesses that they can't drink and have to take care of one another.

Me..well the first man I ever lived with was a drunk...physically abusive me, sexually abusive me, oh and the mental abusive was incredible.  The more this man drank the more abuse there was. I finally left after two years, of being beat up, after he slammed my head into the wall three times, and threw me outside in the hallway for three hours in my slip, in the dead of winter. Afraid, broken, scared for my life. Belittled enough not to know, how strong I was. Vowed to never ever let a man hit me again. When I left him vowed to never love another drunk, never to let another man hit me.  Who ever thought about the mental abuse there was too much other pain to think about.

I finally felt better about 10 yrs later, when I wrote him a letter and told him what he did to me. How he didn't get the best of me, cause I survived and grew a set of balls.  No one would ever do what he did to me again. Found out from some family members, that he was raising his own kids, cause he beat the hell out of his wife and she left her kids with him. That scared the hell out of me for his kids. Never did find out what happen if she ever went back for them. God help us all if she didn't. 

Than I met and married a man, and stayed married for almost 25 yrs. To a man, I never thought was abusive. The last five years of our marriage, I can't tell you how abusive they were. I am sure in my own way, I was abusive to him at times.

Sure, I can look back and say he did many abusive things through out our marriage. When he got angry he threw things, never to hit me. But pass my head, at the floor of my feet, the wall, the doors, you get the picture. I never looked at that as abusive cause it wasn't him hitting me.

I do know, that his mom abusive him as a kid. She hit him when things went wrong for her. She hit him, when the other kids did things. Needless to say, even though he never hit me.

He did, hit our children. Our boys, I worked during the day he worked third shift. He took care of the kids during the day, and he had a short fuse.  Didn't find out until years later, how much my children suffer because of his temper. He didn't beat the hell out of them. But was mentally abusive and at times physically abusive.

He never was abusive to our daughter who is disabled. He took great care of her. 

I been divorced for three years now, we been apart it was four years on March 7th. I found out all sorts of stuff that happen while I was at work.  My boys didn't tell me, cause they didn't want to hurt my feelings, they thought their dad had a right to hit them, they thought I wouldn't or couldn't do anything about it. They wanted us, to stay together.

What it took me to leave on both times that I left.  Was someone telling me I was worth more than this. I had more to offer. I could do it. I had to have faith in myself. I was a strong woman. That I needed to be that woman not only for myself but for my daughter.

It took loving myself enough to realize there was more to life than fear, than depending on someone for anything. It took knowing it was okay being a lone. I still have some issues with being alone, and I don't like being a lone. 

It took knowing I would be alright. It took knowing that I had it in me to count on me, that I could. It took knowing I was a person, and deserved to be treated like one. That NO ONE had the right to treat me badly.

When you are in abusive relationships, most people stay cause they think that they can't do any better.  They can do much worst. That they are getting what they asked for, after all why would someone treat they bad, if they didn't deserve it. It's a lot of time, a learned behavior. Our dad/mom did this and accept this, it's just part of life. It happens.

They ruin your self estem down so low, you depend on them for the air you breathe. You think without that person, you will die. They control who your friends are, what friends you talk to, or don't. What family is in your life and what family is not. 

You over come it, by standing up for yourself. You over come it, by believing in yourself, you over come it, by realizing that Life has so much to offer you. You over come it by knowing, that knowing in your heart, that what you deserve is someone to love you and accept you for who you are not who they can make you be.

You over come it, by knowing if you don't. Your children will find someone to hurt them, or they will hurt someone. You over come it by knowing and believing that YOU ARE SO WORTHY TO BE LOVED JUST FOR WHO YOU ARE. That NO one should ever hit you, abuse you in any way, for any reason.

That any form of abuse is not acceptable no matter what. You treat people with respect, love.

You teach yourself and others, that WE (all of us) are responsible for the choices we make. You can't make someone hit you, you can't make someone talk shit to you, you can't make someone be an ass, you can't make someone drink, or do drugs..each of us, has the power and control over our ownself.

If we (any of us) find ourselves in a spot that we can't handle, be it doing the hitting, abusive things, drugs, alcohol, accepting the hitting, or other abusive things, have the power to change it.

We have the power and control to ask for help and find it. We have the power and control to stop it today. It's with that power and control over our own lives, that we will find OURSELVES.

If you have children remember you are their future. They count on you, to protect them from the bad things.  Bad things come in many forms, from physical to emotional ....and if you don't help who will....

If you are watching someone be abuse step up and be counted. Sometimes, just telling a friend they are worth it. May be just what they need to hear. It might be just the right day.

Be a FRIEND HELP.....NO MATTER WHAT IT IS....Street

 

 

Very beautifully put. Kudos to you for realizing that you are worth more and that your children are too.

I know it can be difficult and people like you are an inspiration. I hope anyone going through an abusive relationship at this time reads your comment. I think it could really help give them the strength they need to move forward.

 

The reasons vary, why some men, and women stay in abusive relationships. Each one is different, and very personal. I was in a mentally abusive relationship, for over 2 years. He wished that he could have physically abused me, but ...

I stayed, because; when we first met, he was a kind man, very generous, and loving...I was always  hoping he'd go back to being that way. To no avail though...

I used to feel sorry for him, and I thought I could help him. He tried to control me, and when that didn't work, the verbal abuse started. It was very stressful for me, because I don't like confrontation, of any kind. I stood my ground though, and we'd sometimes get into a physical confrontation (mostly pushing, and shoving).  I was lucky enough, to have my own place, no children, and very strong social, and familial circles. His 'madness", was no match for the kind of love and support, I was lucky enough to have in my life.

Our relationship ended, when he tried to have me arrested, on a bogus "domestic violence" charge. He grabbed me by   my wrists, and used MY hands, to slap and punch himself in the face. He then called the police, and told them that I beat him up. Fortunately for me, he wasn't smart enough to fool the detectives with his, lame story. They took one look at my wrists, saw the indentations of his fingernails, in my skin, and they let me go home.

I was lucky, and I know it.

 

Yes. You are very lucky.  I agree with you King Kenn.  I was also in a verbally abusive relationship.  It was my first love.  I was in that relationship for almost 9 years.  He was very controlling, and would get abusive when he drank too much.  To make matters worse he was very very jealous.  I did not have low self esteem or so I thought.  I too am not a confrontational person.  I couldn't understand how he could say he loved me and then tell me he's the devil and my worst nightmare. Maybe that was the alcohol talking.  Sometimes I felt it was a test to see if I could survive everything thrown my way.  I had to deal with listening to the verbal abuse of my father at home or try to find some other place of refuge (which my boyfriend insisted to stay at his home).  He did have a very loving family. So I was surrounded by many loving, caring people.  I even wanted to get my own place and live with my mom (so she could escape from my verbally abusive father).   He wouldn't have it cos he wanted us to move in together.  So we did.  He did change in time but the damage had already been done.  I fell out of love with him and just felt a different kind of love for him.  After a couple years living together he asked "are we getting married or what."  I had to say no.  There was no way I could after going through what I went through.  I just couldn't forget how bad he treated me. I didn't deserve that.  I think that's what hurt me the most. 

 So we broke up and I moved out.  I let his brother buy me out of our townhome and he moved in.  I had no hard feelings.  I was ready to start a new chapter in my life.   He did become a better person afterwards.  Realizing he let the best thing to ever happen to him out of his life.  He tried to get back together with me but I told him I just couldn't do it.  He realized how cruel he was to me and how bad he treated me that he asked for my forgiveness.  I told him that I do forgive him.  I think that both of us learned so much from each other. He is no longer an abuser.  And me not allowing myself to become abused by anyone ever again.  He is married now with a little girl.  I've been seeing a wonderful man for the past 4.5 years and will be buying a home together next year. 

 

Dear Josh,
Ok are you sure you're ready for this? Here's my story in a nut shell.
I was born from a one night stand between my mom and her highschool crush. Three months after graduation they were forced to marry but a litteral shot gun 22 to be exact that my grandfather held at my mom and dad. Three months later I was born and I was a disappointment secondly, because I was a girl. Mom and Dad both wanted a boy.
I lived for 18 years of my life hearing everyday that I was a mistake, I ruined both my parents lives, even tho Dad ran off after I was only 6 months old. I was abused, physically, emotionally, and mentally. But, after I moved out of the house at 18, I continued in my relationship with my mom, because, it was comfortable, I knew, if I did something that didn't please her what the outcome would be and I could handle it.
I am now living in a non for profit organization and they have really been there for me, but I still can't accept thier love for me and they are getting tired of it. But you see, I put them in the role of my mom, so that I have control over my life and that way nothing unusual or unknown happens to me and that way, I'm safe. Plus then I can blame everyone else for my constant pain, anger and resentment that I feel. I need your prayers right now too because if I don't start accepting thier love and forgive my past, then I will be asked to leave, and I've been here for 6 years! The longest I've ever lived and worked in one place and I'm 35! So women, men, and sometimes kids stay, because it's familiar and they think that they can fix the abuser and that they don't deserve anyone nicer to love them. Hope this helps Josh and keep on keeping on in Christ!
A sister in Him,
Jacinda

 

I think people stay in abusive realtionships for all the reasons that have been mentioned.  Trying to break out of the cycle is hard.  Accepting the relationship is unhealthy, we can't fix someone else and facing a future of uncertainties is difficult.  Change is not easy.  Not knowing what lies ahead and the fear nothing lies ahead can hold a person down.  Letting go of the "dream" we created in our mind and accepting the only place our relationship is great is in our "dream" is a hard step to take.  Once a person believes they truly deserve the best and are entitled to be treated with respect and dignity they will not find comfort in saying "but he loves me" or "things just got out of hand."  They say a person who loves you wants to know what makes you cry so they never do the things that will. 

 

What timing you have Josh. I have been working on a blog about this myself, though I've yet to post it.  I was diagnosed 2 days ago as an "abused woman" and it's a label that hit me pretty hard. I was an abused child, this I knew. But after years of therapy I thought I was intelligent and educated enough to never be involved in an abusive relationship. I was wrong. My therapist just told me that both my previous relationship and my marriage were abusive. I was shocked, and couldn't fathom it, until he pulled a book off his shelf and began reading my words back to me, pretty much verbatim, and describing each category of abuse they fell under. Needless to say, my world was rocked. I ran right out and purchased the book, and in reading it....I am reading about myself on almost every page. I feel like an idiot, that there were so many behaviors I didn't recognize as abusive, even though I knew they were wrong and hurtful and made me feel like shit. As a male friend said to me yesterday, you're a smart woman Julie, but when it comes to relationships, "you're a dumbass." And he's absolutely correct.

I agree with what the previous posters have said about low self-esteem being the root cause. This is something I have battled my whole life, after growing up with the messages that I was worthless and never good enough. And obviously the years I spent in therapy have yet to correct this believe inside of me, otherwise I wouldn't find myself where I am now.

It's a complicated process the road abuse takes. It's also insidious. And for those of us who don't believe we are worthy of love, it can be difficult to recognize. But now I'm in a different stage, this is where the healing, and the learning, begins. I also resigned my job today. As I will no longer be subjected to the physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse that I have been subjected to by students, parents, and administrators as an inner city teacher. It's not my job to save the world, it's not my job to save my abusers. Right now, my only job is to save myself.

In case you or your readers are interested, the book I'm reading is "It's My Life Now-Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence. The author is Meg Kennedy Dugan. Definately a worthwhile read, especially for women who don't think they're being abused, but know something isn't quite right. I'm sure it will open a lot of eyes.

God Bless~Julie

 

I spent 11 years with a man thati dont think ever had a nice  thing to say to me or about me.,,,so why stay with him??? well after so long of havin your self esteem beat into the ground i truely didnt think i was worth a crap to him let alone anyone else,after a while ,3 kids later and a dramatic weight lose and everyone telling me how good i look and he was the only one not telling me ,i realized i deserve much better and built up the guts and told him i wanted a divorce,and wow did he change,begged me not to leave,asked me what he needed to to diff and i still wouldnt say,and let me tell you someone like him can not change! been 6yrs now and now i watch him treat his new wife the same way.......so i have a follow ? to josh,,,,,can an abuser ever change???
 

I was in a abusive relationship two times actually. I am a very intelligent lady and thought it would never happen to me.. I was wrong, I didn't know what was going on till one day I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and said who the hell am I and why am I here? I packed nothing I just ran as far and as fast as my legs would take me.. The abuse was verbal so no one knew what was happening to me except me.. I still to this day will reflect on those times and wonder if it will ever happen again.. I am single have been for 21 years now and wonder if I will ever get over being scared, if I will ever trust any man completely again..I hope and pray that someday I will learn that not all men are like this and will find that one who will just love me for me.. 

 

shirley

 

abusee stays not only because there are holes in their self esteem caused by childhood abuse and or the contamination of the abuser! either they feel that their life is in danger if they leave or because they feel as if they have failed somehow to make the other person love them right perhaps they make excuses like he/she is going through a rough time it will pass or he/she is drinking thats what makes them do it.sometimes one feels if they love the other person more or tiptoe around the negative behavior better then all will pass and be fine again. sometimes one just thinks that they will never be loved properly and just give in to the negativity and accept it as part of life.Most of the time the people who are being abused have left friends and family and do not know where to turn they hids it from coworkers and friends bacause they do not want others to worry about them they gat so good at covering it up and making excusses that telling a stranger ie counslor/cops etc. is even harder than telling their friends! one feels responsible in a way for the behaivior of their "insignificant other" IE I know he doesnt like me to... then do it anyway. Sometimes they only feel as if there is no where to turn and no one can help them sometimes it is a feeling that it has never been different than this why should one believe it would be better alone or with someone else.My own mother once told me that "all men are assholes and all of em make you cry thats just the nature of men your job is to put up with it and try to make them better." but then again she was a product of abuse. when in a relationship like that you are cut off from every one and usualy financialy dependant upon the abuser you are also emotionaly dependant as well you relly upon them for everything and when their control gets threatened they become more controling making it difficult to leave! as a child who grew up abused I know that there are wounds that run deep and healing that may never be finished it makes you question weather or not abuse is going on or if it is all in your head especialy when there are no fist involved. you learn what the abusers buttons to push sometimes angering them even if you know they will lash out but trapped into doing it anyway as a form of defiance for their behavior twards you inspite of the fact that you know how it will snowball. and even sometimes you feel stronger within the abusive relationship feeling that no one could possibly handle this like you do you start to feel a sad vindication for the behavior like thinking I take sooo much look how strong I am even though all we realy want to do is be weak and cry we deny ourselves that hold our head up and say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. well even if they dont kill ya sometimes you want death anyway thinkin that is the only way away from this pointless exhaustion of emotions.  we stay for many different reasons I feel that if we were not bombarded every day with the images of perfection we could come to grips with our human imperfection and be at peace with who we are and become happy but that is neither here nor there since it will never be. to conclude self reliance is neccesary to "break the cycle" without it some will never leave the abuser problem is self reliance is not genetic but taught and thoes who do not know how it takes time and in that time the abuser gets more violent good luck to all abusees and may peace be found one day for everyone!
 

I divorced my first husband because I found myself contemplating suicide one day, which scared the hell out of me.  He was not your typical abuser, but he made my life hell in so many ways.  I was afraid to divorce him simply because so many people had told me not to marry him and I wanted to prove them wrong.  After the suicical thoughts, I realized that being afraid of what other people thought was silly.

A few months later I got involved with the only abuser who ever threatened my life.  I have been very lucky to have dated good guys after that.

So, why did it take me 1.5 years to wise up and get out?  Well, I just gotta say that it took me that long to wise up and realize I deserved better.  Before then I was too insecure to think about trying the dating scene, and insecurity he added to whenever he could.

He thought of himself as "wounded".  At first, I was flattered that he trusted me to help him, but later on he used that ability to seek help to convince others that I was stalking him.  I just wanted him to trust me again and I wanted to be the one to save him.

I didn't know how I would live without him.  Even throughout all of this, I loved him and until he pushed me too far - until that moment when I realized I didn't need to stay, I would've done anything to make him want me.  The thought that he wouldn't want me drove me to attempt suicide.  This was not because of what anyone else thought, but honestly, I didn't think I could ever get over him.

We had this crazy connection, where I could tell the minute he walked into a building even if I couldn't see him.  If we happened to be shopping in the same store, the hair on the back of my neck would stand up, and I could just feel that he was there.

Leaving him meant leaving all of "our" friends.  They were sick of the drama and it didn't matter who did what, they just didn't want to have to be involved or watch it anymore.  My parents tried to get me to move home and I did try, but I couldn't handle it.  The place I grew up had changed and all the friends I had left behind had their own lives.  I didn't fit anymore.

About a year or so after I finally said "enough", I met a wondeful guy.  We were at an event with the crowd I had hung around with and we had his kids along.  During the dinner break, we were discussing where to go eat.  I walked across the lobby to get a list of nearby restaurants from a table and walked back to where my BF & his kids were standing.  As we were discussing places to eat, I felt someone staring at me and looked up to see him glowering at me from the other side of the lobby.  Turns out the table with the lists was right next to where he was standing.  I actually had been within a few feet of him and never felt him or saw him.  I felt so liberated!

As an end note, I ran into him a few years ago.  I hadn't seen him in about 12 years, and he turned up in a place I never expected.  The night before I kept thinking about him and chastising myself for it, because why would I think of him after all these years?  But when I saw him walking around at this conference, it didn't even feel weird. Suddenly, the thoughts from the night before made sense.  I figured after all these years, we both would have grown up and moved on, and while I didn't expect us to be best buds, I figured a civil "hi" would be in order.

Well, when he saw me, he accused me, once again of stalking him.  How stupid was this?  I had signed up for the conference months in advance and even had a pass good for the entire week.  As I looked at him in confusion, wondering if he was joking or not, I saw the same malevolent look in his eyes.  Instead of trying to smooth things over, I just said "Oh, whatever." and walked away.  He stood there with his mouth hanging open, before walking the other way.  I realized he is still mentally unbalanced and any ideas I might have about him maturing are a pipe-dream.  I am no longer afraid of him, because I feel like I have the power of a sane mind.  And I no longer feel any affinity for him.  If I never see him again, that is just fine with me.

Sorry for the novel, but I just wanted to say, no matter what your thoughts are about the dangers of leaving an abuser, it IS possible.  Call one of the hotlines and ask for help.  There are those who will help you leave safely, and become established on your own.  You and any kids you have deserve it.

 

As for abusive raltionships, I think ther person has been either convinced that they are in love, and they can't find or never will find any better... or it is so physical to the point that they think if they try to get out and fail or do suceed they could still get hurt by them hunting you down, or being mad at you for even trying to leave. The only reason I found a way out of my last relationship that was abusive was because I learned that there was another person out there that could love me better (I fould someone else) and it made me realize I didn't love my boyfriend anymore because of the way he acted and treated me.
 

Why stay?  I think fear is one of the biggest reasons anyone stays in an abusive relationship.  Fear that they can't make it on their own, don't know how they'll pay the rent, who will watch the kids.  I know a woman who doesn't drive, and I think part of why she stayed was not knowing how she would get to work, the grocery store, who would drive their baby to the doctor.  Never mind he didn't work and criticized how she spent her money ...

After awhile, it becomes "normal" - or at least to a point where the person abused thinks they can handle it or that its not that bad.  He berated me for hours upon hours today, but at least he didn't hit me .... he grounded the kids to their beds all weekend, but at least he fed them ... he threw dishes at me, but at least he drove me to get the baby's medicine. 

"Battered Woman's Syndrome" is very real, and is a dynamic a lot of people don't understand.  We want to tell these (primarily) women to just leave, but when you're where they are, its not that easy. 

I think many people feel, after a while, that they deserve the abuse.  Some of them come up with coping mechinisms that are abusive right back, and maybe that makes them feel as though they deserve the abuse even more, or that they can't do any better.

My Grandma stayed for over 30 years ... and I know now that there is so much more to the stories we hear.



 

well from talking to peole who are in those types of relationships they tend to stay because first there in love and second they think they can change the person but I have never seen it happen...once a person is abusive they don't change unless they get help and they still have to change partners because they lose respect for they other person and they will always be abusive toward them because they know they can get  away with it....right now I have a nephew who is very abusive with his live in girlfriend and she won't leave him yet...his last relationship was the same way but she finally left him...I don't know why he is like this he wasn't raised with any violence but he is very self-centered

         silverbow53

 

Hello Josh,

  I was in a relationship that started out "Not so bad".  Then proceeded to "Maybe things  need to change"  to "Shot to hell".  By the time he finally left he was raping me every time I went to sleep.  He would literally sit in the room and wait till I fell asleep.  He would use the watching tv  or just "thinking" excuse for sitting there.  I worked third shift and drove an hour one way there and one hour back.  I worked a very physical job so by the time I got home I was ready to crash.  Plus the drain of being depressed.  I was depressed for being "stuck" in a relationship  that was going nowhere. 

   We lived in a house that we were buying and since his name was on the house note the police would not make him leave.  And as for the  " The women's shelter"  they didn't do 2 cents for me.  I had a decent paying job and they felt that I was way ahead of the game.    I had a good paying job and a home to live in.  They did not feel that I was having any "REAL" problems domestic wise.  Even the police would not make him leave.   

  The final straw for me was on a Saturday when he was chasing my son down the hallway with a belt swatting the belt back and forth on the wall threatening him with it.  I got back out of bed drove to Menards and bought a new lock.  I decided that when he went back to work (on Monday) I would change the lock and drop his stuff off at work.  But that same Saturday while I was at work  (an hour away)  the police called me  because they were at the house.  Why?  My mother had called them because he was SHAKING the baby and would not give him to anybody. Now I am an HOUR away from the house and the police WOULD NOT STAY WITH MY KIDS until I got  from where I was at.  Believe me it took me alot less time to get home that night.  By the time I got there he was already gone and since I already had a new lock I changed it right then and there.  

   So to answer your original question why do people stay????? For me there was  no one to get help from.  He was allowed to threaten suicide in front of the kids, he was allowed to shake the baby, he was allowed to threaten my oldest son with slapping the belt against the wall and he was allowed to rape at will since "his name is on the house note."  Literally the police said he was allowed to behave this way because a "Man's home is his castle".  I have 4 kids and a mother with severe health issues.  That house was the only place for us to live in at the time.  That is why I stayed.  A roof over our head and  someplace to call home. 

   To this day he has not apologized(Nor will he) and I only have as little contact with him as necessary. 

   As for low self esteem,  I think I was worse on the self esteem part at the end than I was in hte begginning.  Our society has made it so that there are no Positive role models to teach our daughter's the red flags of an abusive relationship.  Our Son's are being taught that this is what is expected for their behavior.  We as a society need to take responsibility for our actions good and bad and teach our children what is acceptable and what is not.  

  I did not tell too many people about what was going on at the end for fear of their behavior towards me.  I didn't want people treating me any different and most of the people I know do not know how he behaved.  They wouldn't even believe me if I told him because he is the "quiet type".  He wouldn't do something like that.

 It has taken alot of self thinking to change what I felt was wrong with my thinking to put up with this kind of behavior. I went out on a date a few months ago and it only took a date and a bout 20 minutes of the second one to realize this guy was the same way.  My daughter was like "so fast?? How do you know??" and I explained to her the reasoning by my thoughts.  She agreed with me.

    Thank you for brigning such a hard subject to light for some of us.  You have a great weekend and I hope you enjoy your  EAster STephanie 

 

 

My best friend for 27 years treated me like garbage over the years. However we grew up together as kids and things were rotten in my house. I was on my own at 16 years old.   

Anyhow...

to make a very long story short, he did something that was so bad that I ended that friendship. It was the absolute last straw.

As I thought back on it, I think I stayed friends with him longer then I should have because  of what we had gone through together and loyalty.

 

 

 

 

i grew up with abuse. i chose to live my life without abuse. that is not to say you do not stumble on your path. to be healthy you have to grow and learn and that is different for each of us. sometimes to end the cycle of abuse, you have to learn from the abuse.
 

Wow, I was reading some of the comments people left and I am here to shatter the people's opinion of why people stay in abusive relationships because of low self esteem. I happen to have the highest self esteem of anyone I know. I know I am beautiful inside and out. So that was not the reason for me. Not saying it isn't the reason for other people. I grew up with 2 great parents who met when they were 5. Typical fairytale. I was always treated with the utmost respect and love from both my parents. I am the middle child with an older sister and a younger sister who also were treated with love and understanding growing up. I had just turned 21 when I met the love of my life so I thought. He was great, funny, charming, loving, caring, considerate, cute, great body, educated the works. Everyone who met him right off the bat loved him, and wanted me to marry him. I wanted to too. He lived 2 hours away from my parents so after many of weekends driving back and forth I moved in with him and my best friend. (that was how we met) So it was great. We had a 2 bedroom apartment. My dream guy and I in one bedroom and my best friend Kyle and his girlfirend in another. It was a total party house and when I moved there he told me I didn't have to work he would pay for everything. We partied all night and I slept all day while he went to work. Well my best friend was kicked out after 3 weeks of me living there because my dream man thought we were sleeping together which wasn't the case. So Kyle moved out and that was when I was put on lock down. Things went form great to horrible real fast. We got kicked out of our apartment for always fighting and breaking shit including our own bones. I was not going to let someone beat on me and not fight back. By the time I realized how bad it was I had not spoken to my family in months. I was brainwashed into thinking all I needed was him. When we got kicked out of the apartment we moved in with his dad which was another 2 hours away in the opposite direction of my parents. So now I am 4 hours away from people whho love and miss and care about me. I thought ok good his dad likes me he won't do anything to me in front of his father. Boy was I wrong. I became the prisoner. After several months with the help of one his friends I finally realized I did not want to do this anymore. Yes, I loved fighting but not when it got physical to the point where I couldn't move. I needed to get out but how? So I snuck out one day after a brutal beating and went right to the cops who have failed me so many times before because since both of us had marks on us I was going to get arrested also. I gave them one more try. They finally pulled through for me and he was arrested and sent to jail for 3 years. The number one reason why I stayed is because he always told me if I left he would rape my little sister in front of me and my parents and then set their house on fire while we were all in it and the last thing I would hear before I died was my family screaming in pain. I did not see that was just a stupid threat. At the time I was so scared of him and what he could do I stayed with him because I didn't want anything to happen to my family, who I didn't even talk to. It has been about 6 years since all that and I am now married to the greatest man in the world! Who was the crazy guys best friend and helped me through a lot of it. He saved my life and for that I will always be grateful to him. So the people who have never been there please don't just assume you know what you are talking about and don't say it could never happen to me, I used to say that too. Any guy lays a hand on me I will have him killed. You don't know what you would do in that situation unless you are in it. It had nothing to do with my self esteem because like I said earlier, I have a lot of it, and even when I was getting beat up I still thought I looked good with a black eye. lol.

 

Hi  J, I am so glad that you brought this out and it was not a woman because men don't pay attention when we talk about it. I was in an abusive marrage. It was more mental than anything else. As many before me have said already that it is because of  LOW SELF-ESTEAM and I do mean low. Most women and some men dont think that they deserve better and they are nobetter than what and who they are with.

 Until we get a clue that we are much deserving of real and tru luv and that we need to start luvin ourselves first then we will 4ever be stuck in a mad cycle of self hate and that is what we will only attract. LETS PRAY 4 THE HEALING TO BEGIN!!!!