Blog Love Omega Glee: Homeland Security Hair Alert Color Chart Advisory System (30 January 2012)

For a time, Francine colored her hair whatever color the level of the Homeland Security Advisory System was set at, but when it was set at High ("High Risk Of Terrorist Attacks") for too long, she tired of having orange hair. Today, she feels a change coming on again, having tired of her winter blond. Her current hair color would translate to Yellow ("Elevated: Significant Risk Of Terrorist Attacks"), by the way. Today, there's a Red hair alert, a Severe Risk Of Francine Dyeing Her Hair.

Francine goes to The Drugstrip and cruises the store for hair color choices. A wall of products faces her, all in colorful packaging usually featuring a woman with a luscious head of hair, only achievable through photograph retouching computer software. Most of the women are white on the packages but there are some products aimed at black women. A few products are also aimed at men. Francine picks up a package of Hairoin brand ("Our euphoric hair products can be addictive!") Red Devil color and thinks of becoming a redhead. No, she's not a Republican or a communist she decides. Plus the warning on the back scares her off, "This product must not be used for dyeing eyelashes or eyebrows because to do so may cause blindness."

Of course, a variation of that same warning is on almost every box of hair dye. The long list of chemicals in the ingredients frightens as well. Francine wonders what exactly etidronic acid is, but whatever it is, it doesn't sound like something she wants to put on her head. Masani would tell Francine to do it naturally, but the homemade hair dye recipe Masani would give her would probably involve pouring a cup of coffee over her head every day for two weeks to go brunette. Yum! Coffee . . . Francine notices that many of the hair colors are named after coffee. There's mocha splash, mochaccino, cocoa bean, double espresso to go, cafe latte, and coffee burned on the bottom of the pot because you forgot to turn off the coffeemaker. Other flavors are for food, and Francine gets hungry just reading the boxes: toasted coconut, hot tamale, ginger ale, biscotti, brown sugar, black licorice, caramel, and clam chowder with oyster crackers. Despite the fancy names though, most of these are just some variation of black, blonde, brown, burgundy, and occasionally a color that doesn't begin with the letter "b".

Punkier colors beckon Francine. These come in bottles with no boxes because that's punk dude. Boxes? We don't need no stinking boxes. She could dye her hair green or pink or purple, or even orange again. The yuppies at the restaurant wouldn't mind. They're paying for atmosphere anyway, and would love a server who has a hair color they couldn't get away with in their line of work.

Francine holds a bottle of Mucus Green in one hand and a bottle of Vomited Eggplant in the other. She thinks, "Hmm . . . maybe not."

Francine decides to try the Red Devil after all, "My Great Aunt Ann always dyed her hair red and she died at eighty-six. Plus Valentine's Day is coming up. Maybe I can dye my hair to tie in with each holiday this year. Do they make a Pumpkin Pie variety? That'd be kicky for Thanksgiving."

Blog Love Omega Glee is a novel by Wred Fright about two bloggers who fall in love while the world falls apart, which is being serialized on his blog. To start reading from the beginning or read another installment, please visit Blog Love Omega Glee Central on WredFright.Com. If you like what you've read, or you've read all of Blog Love Omega Glee and want more Fright, then please read his first novel, which is available in print and as an ebook.