Body image writing assignment for A*N*D
This was fun, and an honest look at the way I see myself.
Just so you're warned...there is personal information here
that may be too much information for those who know me personally. So, you have been warned.
I mainly wrote this to encurage others
to share about their body image.

When I first began thinking about my body image, I began to cringe. Like almost everyone else I know, my idea of myself doesn’t match what is in the mirror. I imagine myself as a thinner less round and plump, but still with that hump, rarely a lump, girl next door meets punk rock fashionista, all with that down home charm that comes from being a southern belle… (LOL) Seriously, I do!
What’s even funnier is that Nate gets that. He knows that I’m strange and do off the cuff things.
           Have you ever stared into the mirror so long
that you don’t recognize the person looking back at you?
There have been many nights when I couldn’t sleep and I stumble across a mirror and the closer I am to it, the more intrigued I am by what I see, but the longer I stare, the more I forget who the girl is that’s looking back at me. I notice more of my flaws, I realize how uneven my skin tone is, I want to pluck every hair from my eyebrows and make them barely noticeable, like those little tiny girls in fashion magazines. I have picked at my face until I’ve nearly scarred myself, even if I begin to bleed, I can’t stop. I recently realized that maybe part of the reason I am so unforgiving when it comes to my reflection is that I often see her…my mother, when I look at myself. I despise the person that she was when I was growing up and I often fear that I am going to be exactly like her. And all this is just my face; the part of my body that I actually like…to some extent…we’ll just skip my double chin and move on.
There are numerous issues that I have with my boobs. On one hand, they are huge, and awesome; (my husband LOVES them!) but then again, huge can be very discouraging at times. Especially when I am getting ready for church, or like the time I went to meet Nate’s parents and I don’t need the cleavage. Then, there are the issues of them being in the way whenever I have something I absolutely need them out of the way for; and what is it with Nips never being hard at an opportune moment? Not to mention my bras, which my husband can wear as a hat. That makes me feel SUPER sexy… =l  
Which reminds me of the cute little skimpy stuff that our husbands just LOVE for us to wear for them. First of all, I like to dress up. I think that it is fun, to take on a new persona and just have fun. The problem comes in, when the bra parts never fit right, the thigh highs just roll down my leg and the panties always go up my butt.
I look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see.
I just know that this is not sexy and I seriously want to take it off.
Of course, Nate insists on a peek and tries to make me feel better,
 but in the end, I ruin it because I hate myself.
It’s not just those intimate moments anymore. I have gained weight, since our honeymoon and Christmas. I hate the way everything I own looks on me, even my pajamas. I just feel fat and sloppy all the time. I hate the rolls of fat that are on my side referred to by me as “side boob” and the roll around the middle that makes me look like I am stealing a Michelin.
I am still not as big as I was 3 years ago, but I am quickly on the path back to that. I found some pictures the other night from around 2005. I showed them to Nate and he couldn’t believe that it was me. That made me feel good in a way, but I can see myself slowly returning to that size again. I also look at those who have taken my place and those whose place I have taken and it makes me realize just how far I have come and also how far I have fallen backward.  I do want to change that though.  My sister has been doing great and every time I see her, I can tell that she’s thinner, more in shape, and toning up. She’s a real inspiration to me and looking back to the days when I went to the gym every morning, I felt so alive and just good all over. I really miss that feeling. I miss going out to eat and enjoying myself and not feeling like I was going to explode when I left. I remember having a snack, and not the entire box of crackers. I remember going shopping for clothes and finding WAY more than I could ever afford and feeling so good about my appearance. I want that back again. I have been telling my husband that I want to join the gym. I had my hair cut and highlighted and I started going to the tanning bed, but the effect on my self esteem was short lived. I know that the only way I am going to be happy with myself again, is if I work hard to change the person I am turning back into.
I’ll always be that little firecracker that makes her own rules and copies no one, but I don’t want to have to pretend that I’m content with my body when I am not.  I thought that if I pretended long enough, that I would convince myself that it’s okay, but in reality, whenever I look in the mirror, I loathe the reflection that I see.  I want to walk past a plate glass window and sneak a peek at myself and have the urge to keep staring. I want to be able to go shopping for clothes and the only dilemma I have is what I can afford. Not what I can try on without having to destroy it to get it off. (yeah, that has happened to me)
 I want to be me again.

So, now that I’ve let you all inside my head…here are 5 things that I love about my body.

1) I love my eyes…there’s just something about them.
2) I like my legs. Yeah, they’re short, but I have great calf muscles.
3) I really like my nose. It’s little and cute.
4) I also like my lips…they’re plump and I have those cool “points” on the top.
5) I like my wrists especially when I am sporting one of the bracelets that I made.

Okay, maybe not what you expected, but even though I think that my face is too fat and round it is what I like most about myself. Oh and I love my eyelashes!....and even though I can never find boots to go over my calf muscles...they're still great too.

I hope to make great progress these next few weeks and months. I am also going to try to keep those who want to know updated.
Like my profile says; I know that I’ll never be a size toothpick
but I don’t want to be. I just want to be healthy and happier with what I see when I see a reflection of me.

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