the dunmeister has came down from the mountains again to blessed us mere mortals with another lesson :)
 

the piece has a great aim and you succeed at including alot of statistical info (war in egypt? i don't have time to fact check that at the moment but is that correct?).

the issue: style, style, style

i think you can include more style/poetic devices in the delivery of this message to make it more 'poetic'

i also think you may be 'boxing yourself in' by sticking to the a/a/b/b/ couplet style...this piece might flow more freely absent such constraints

it does flow, but i think you could make it even better if you weren't sticking to such a rigid rhyme scheme (and this is coming from an emcee! but poetry delivered absent a syncopated beat or the constrains of rap lyricism has no required structure...you could really go wild with it...see e.e. cummings, sonia sanchez, etc, all of whom you know intimately, i'm certain)

a for effort, a for message, b for execution

masterful delivery is what makes the message sing!

ps: re-read it from the perspective of a skeptic, someone who is begrudging about being convinced that this issue is important and make it warm that skeptic's heart...you dig? perhaps more info about the human consequences of water scarcity? images of children dying in famine-ravished areas ruined by drought, discussion of the water-shortage based conflict in darfur (nomadic versus agrarian, where the nomadic folk's animals are drinking water needed for agrarian progress/crop growth)

more thoughts later...perhaps by phone...
 

Wow, that is deep. I love the way you started off with such a mundane situation, reprimanding your daughter, and was able to spin it off into a deeper discussion of world events. Seriously, this reminds me of the 2nd verse in "Beat Street Breakdown" by Melle Mel.
 

i like how the message came across in this smoothe and str8 true
 

i love it