How to successfully drive a car. Woohoo!

Found this gem on offtopic.com.

Merge At The Same Speed As Traffic
If the lane you're changing into is driving 75mph, you better be fucking going 75mph within a few seconds of changing into it.

It's OK to miss your exit
You don't need to slam on your motherfucking brakes, turn your wheel hard right, and cut off every single lane of traffic just so you don't miss your damn exit. If you can't comfortably get over, DON'T FUCKING TRY. Just go down to the next exit and turn around you stupid fuck.

Mind your own fucking business
There's no need for you to be watching anything but the road. You do not need to slow down to 43 fucking miles per hour on the freeway to see how well the guy on the side of the road is changing his tire. If you're that fucking interested, pull over to the side and give him a handjob while he does it.

My high beams aren't congratulatory
If I'm flashing my high-beams at you, it's not my way of saying, "Hey pal, you're driving is absolutely swell. Can I please follow you at 62mph in the carpool lane for a few more hours?" It's my way of saying, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU SLOW MOVING PIECE OF SHIT."

If you don't need to be in the carpool lane, GTFO
Just because there's more than one person in your car, that doesn't mean you have to get into the carpool lane. You see that line of 6,000 cars behind you about 2" apart? They're not playing a fucking game of choo-choo train...they're wondering why the fuck they're moving so damn slow. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CARPOOL LANE.

On the same note, you don't have to get on the absolute NEXT entrance to the fucking carpool you douchebreathed bastard. There's no fucking need for you to cross 5 lanes of traffic at 55mph, then spend 2 miles in the fast lane at that speed until you can get in the carpool lane and slow them the fuck down too.

Why did 5 cars just cut me off?
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING TOO SLOW YOU CLOWNFACED ASSBANDIT. I don't go out of my way to cut someone off unless they're driving less than 75mph in the fast lane with a 3 mile gap in front of them, so if I cut you off, just be happy I didn't run you off the fucking road.

It's ok to change lanes and let cars pass you
"OH NOES!@!! There's a car approaching very quickly behind me, what ever shall I do?" GET THE FUCK OVER. It's much easier for you to move over, then move back than it is for a car going twice as fast as you to maneuver between your slow ass and the rest of the cars on the freeway.

My bumper is not an electromagnet, so why the fuck are you stuck to it?
When the car in front of me is 10' away, tailgating me isn't going to make either of us go faster you stupid ricerocket clown. I want to go faster just like you, but you don't see me riding the tail of the endless line of cars in front of me now do you? GET THE FUCK OFF MY ASS.

If you drive slow, STAY THE FUCK TO THE RIGHT
If you're not driving at least 75mph, DO NOT ENTER THE FAST LANE OR CARPOOL LANE. If you're driving 65mph or slower, GO IN THE FUCKING SHOULDER YOU SLOW FUCK.

Don't speed up so cars can't pass you, ESPECIALLY if they're going faster than you anyway
If you see a car that's trying to pass you, don't speed up like a dumbfuck so they can't pass you, you stupid, filthy whore. And if you do, don't wonder why you're being tailgated. Put your unjustifiably inflated ego aside for a moment and let them pass you, you worthless slut.

Use your blinker
When you want over, let me know by turning on your fucking blinker. Then, once you've gotten over, TURN IT THE FUCK OFF. I don't want to stare at that blinking shit for 15 miles.

It's ok to wait two more fucking seconds to turn
You don't need to risk your worthless life and my life because you have the patience of a 5 year old with ADHD. This means you shouldn't turn out in front of a car going 45mph when they're 100' away from you. And if you are stupid as fuck and actually do it, PRESS THE FUCKING GAS PEDAL AND SPEED UP AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN.

When you're driving, DRIVE
Don't put on your face paint, don't brush your hair, don't shave, don't read the newspaper, don't eat a 6 course meal, and don't talk on the phone (unless you're one of the few that can talk on the phone and drive without causing 15 car pileups). Chances are, you fucking suck at multitasking, so don't do it while you drive.

Mind scooting the fuck over?
When you are making a right hand turn, GO AS FAR TO THE RIGHT AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE. Do you think the 20 cars behind you enjoy slowing from 45mph down to 10mph while accomodating your slow-motion right hand turn? NO THE FUCK THEY DON'T SO MOVE OVER.

Stay in your own lane you drifting cockmonger
The lines are there for a reason dicktits-that reason: to guide idiots like you along the roadway so you don't run into every other car on the road. Does it seem to help? No. You still love to visit other cars in their lanes while talking on the phone in your gargantuan SUV. If you can't keep your POS H2 in the lane your in, drive it off a cliff.

My eyes do not enjoy making love to your headlights
So adjust those fucking things when you notice you're lighting up the fucking atmosphere instead of the ground in front of you, jackass.



Feel free to add your own.