Last week I got an email from someone I don't know named Suzanne regarding something I knew nothing about. The subject line read, "Wendy's Going Away Party." I decided to write back.

Here is the result:

To Scott
From Suzanne

HI Scott, Just wanted to touch base to see if you have had any responses to Wendy's party invitations? I've heard nothing around lobster orders at this point. Are you & Toddy interested? If you are, or know of anyone who is interested, let me know soon. Thanks Suzanne

--

To Suzanne
From Scott

Wendy has been busy with the move, and for some reason I haven't
gotten many replies. Maybe people are still mad with what happened
between Wendy and Steven.

I hope your cat is doing well. I'd heard it was sick. I went to the
aquarium last week and saw a dolphin. They let me pet it but got mad
at Toddy when he covered the blowhole. You know Toddy.

Have you discussed these plans with Geoff or Bobby? I heard Geoff
likes lobster but Bobby prefers chicken fingers.

Thanks Scott.

--

To Suzanne
From Scott

Suzanne,

Haven't heard back, what's the word?

Scott

--

To Scott
From Suzanne

Sorry Scott, Things are a little out of whack, she had to stay another day due to Patsy having a little repair work done, and the fact that she is very busy trying to get everything organized. Wendy is now scheduled to leave tomorrow am. We aren't able to see her off tomorrow but we will see her today as we are getting the washer and dryer we were supposed to get yesterday. I'd give her a call. Suzanne

--

To Suzanne
From Scott

Suzanne,

Ahhhhhhhhhh, I see. Man, I don't think I'm going to get to see her,
but I really want to. That's fantastic that are you getting the washer
and dryer, because now you can clean your clothes!

Toddy is very pleased with Wendy leaving because of the incident at
the birdcage. You know the one that I am referring to. It's the one
with the feathers. But we don't discuss that anymore because Toddy
gets very agitated and I don't like it when he shakes. Everyone knows
what happened between them, even Phylis and Bob Atkinson. It's
disgusting. But I turn the other way because if I don't nothing will
ever be accomplished.

We are considering changing swimming pools. We don't like the way
Toddy is treated and we no longer think it's a coincidence.

I am going to miss Wendy but I am not going to miss the chaos she has
brought to everyone's lives. Is it possible that she didn't choose to
move, but that she was chosen to move? I ponder things like this while
standing on top of my ladder painting blue brush strokes against the
summer sky. I do not regret the lack of a party to celebrate her
leaving, even though I celebrate it each moment in my heart.

Still, it would have been nice to get lobster.

Scott

--

To Scott
From Suzanne

Hello Scott, You funny bastard!! You had me right up until the last 2 sentences. You even had the characters of Wendy and Toddy to the nail, how did you do that? Wendy is known to get herself into trouble with her no filter personality, and Todd would put his had over the blowhole of a dolphin and the poetic tone in Scott's feelings about her leaving sounds just like him. This is too funny!! So just to let you know, we did have the party on Sat. May 31. When I received your email asking what was happening, I thought I had too much too drink and promised that we would see her off Thursday (June 5) and couldn't remember. So, I tried to play it off as if I did remember saying it (I'm laughing my ass off). Anyway, you missed a good time on the beach and there was lots of lobster! Oh, and Patsy Recline is her RV Camper and it's doing fine, however Wendy is still here, it's friday June 6, and the sale of her house closed today, she's still cleaning and packing. I'll keep you posted!! Oh, very impressive resume you have, you funny bastard!! Suzanne

--

To Suzanne
From Scott

Hello,

I agree that Wendy's no filter personality has caused a lot of
trouble, still, I regret I could not make it to the party. I don't
know if I understand the majority of your email, but when Toddy put
his hand over the dolphin's blowhole he got in a lot of trouble. Was I
mentioned? If I don't go to a party it's important that I be there in
some form, even if it's in GOSSIP FORM.

Perhaps you didn't realize that Wendy and I had such an intense
relationship. Her deception in the matter of Wendy v. Scott will not
soon be forgotten. It's possible you are taking her side because you
are both females, but science has shown that we all start off in the
womb as females, so I don't think it's fair to draw lines based on how
I came out in the end.

I hope that when the lobsters were lowered into the boiling pot of
death that you took a moment to recognize their sacrifice for someone
as callous and disturbing as Wendy. I hope that the lobster butter
created from their eggs signals a new beginging for all of us.

Someone needs to tell Wendy that flapping her wings on the wind of
danger is a good way to get caught in the butterfly net of
destruction.

I'm glad the party was nice, though. I wish I could have been there.

We must talk more. Do you know any gossip about Toddy? I am never
taking him to the water zoo again.

Yours in poetry,

Scott