After much anticipation, here is the abridged script for 'Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End'. I'D LIKE TO APOLOGISE, BECAUSE PERSONALLY I LOVE THIS MOVIE, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE DONE, FOR SOME REASON.
FADE IN:
INT. SINGAPORE - DAY
After sitting through a bunch of convicted pirates singing an entire song about pirates, we cut to
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in SINGAPORE, singing the same song. She meets GEOFFREY RUSH.
GEOFFREY RUSH
:
What's with all the singing? Are we in Spider-Man 3?
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
:
Do you feel the urge to do a little jazz dance number down the sidewalk?
GEOFFREY RUSH
:
Jesus, no. I guess we're safe.
They meet up with
CHOW YUN-FAT.
CHOW YUN-FAT
:
Welcome to Singapore. I may seem awfully lame to be this movie's villain but don't worry- this movie doesn't have a villain!
Suddenly, a NONSENSICAL FIGHT breaks out. There are BRITISH SOLDIERS. And
ORLANDO BLOOM is in there somewhere. Eventually the go-nowhere action sequence stops and we cut to JOHNNY DEPP having conversations with other imaginary JOHNNY DEPPs.
JOHNNY DEPP
:
What a great way to set the tone for the movie: a meaningless sequence that undercuts nearly every aspect of my charming character.
JOHNNY DEPP
:
At least you still have your ship for some reason. Maybe you can push it to the water?
He does so, with the help of some BENEVOLENT ROCKS WITH LEGS that turn out, oddly enough, not to be a figment of his imagination. He meets KEIRA, ORLANDO, GEOFFREY and a bunch of PIRATE EXTRAS.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
:
We're her to rescue you.
JOHNNY DEPP
:
Nice timing, since I just managed to escape all on my own. Perhaps you guys want to buy me a bottle of rum the next time I finish distilling one myself, too.
They leave the island of the afterlife. KEIRA meets her dead father's ghost, which is extremely EMOTIONAL since he was such an INTERESTING CHARACTER in the other movies. JOHNNY solves an insipid puzzle that thankfully transports their ship closer to the end of the movie.
INT. PIRATES COVE - NIGHT
A bunch of pirates meet to discuss what to do about the invading British Army.
PIRATES
:
The best thing to do right now is get bogged down with what can only be described as pirate red tape. Nobody respects the rules like pirates.
KEITH RICHARDS
:
Allow me to facilitate this tedious examination of the Pirate Code.
JOHNNY DEPP
:
Dad? What the fuck are you doing in this movie?
KEITH RICHARDS
:
Cheating death, what does it look like?
KEITH disappears from the film entirely, his introduction a complete WASTE OF TIME. GEOFFREY casts a spell that BACKFIRES, as an excuse to create a forced battle scenario in a whirlpool.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
:
Does anyone else get the feeling this movie was made by having a bunch of producers make a bullet-point list of scenes they wanted, then hiring someone to glue them together with a script?
JOHNNY DEPP
:
Script? Ha!
Eventually enough onscreen stuff explodes that JERRY BRUCKHEIMER can create a decent enough trailer to trick people into three hours of their lives watching the movie.
KEVIN MCNALLY
:
Well, I guess this crap is finally over. Unless you want to leave the franchise open by talking about your next quest.
JOHNNY DEPP
:
Good idea. We may not have explored a boring Disney ride enough with a mere 460 minutes.
The AUDIENCE trudges out of the cinema, wishing they'd listened to those adverts about pirate movies being really bad.
END