Ok, not just with you but with all black women.

I just want to start this rant by saying, I am inspired by strong black women everyday. Especially the ones I work with. Over the last several years I've worked with the smartest, most caring, most nurturing, most creative black women on the planet. (Hell, and let me not forget tough. Because ya'll be kicking my ass on a daily basis.)

But, as much as I love ya'lI, I have some bones that I want to pick with black women!


Bone 1: Not every straight man is trying to sleep with you.
I know a lot brothas are off the chain. I know that many, many, many men only see women as sexual objects. And I also know that sistas are forced to go above and beyond to prove themselves in the work place. As a black man, I stand in solidarity with you as someone who has had to overcome society's fucked up expectations.

But at some point you have to be able to trust the Black men you work with to be good leaders, good people and good men. If you always keep your guard up you are never going to be able to have healthy relationships with your male coworkers. Not to mention that you will also be losing out on potential opportunities for friendships. You may not believe it, but there are plenty of men that are capable of having deep, platonic relationships with women.

Bone 2: You have to learn to be able to trust your male supervisors!
This is a tough one for me. Over the last several years I have managed some incredibly smart sistas. Most days I end up following their lead because of their strong leadership skills.

But on many occasions I have had women I manage respond negatively (negative is probably not the right word, it's more like they respond doubtfully) when I adopt the "tough love approach."

One of the difficulties of leading smart people is that you can't and shouldn't hold people's hands. I'm of the opinion that if you don't experience the tough lessons in the work place you will never be able to manage the stress that is accompanied with primary leadership.

If your boss tells you to do something that you don't understand, don't like, or are uncomfortable with, it may just be that your manager wants you to go through a tough, confusing, uncomfortable situation. The truth of the matter is that we still very much live in a patriarchal world. Maybe your manager is preparing you for the next phases of your leadership where no one is going to be wearing kid gloves. (That means that sometimes your questions might not get answered, or that you might not be given all the pieces of the puzzle.)

Bone 3: Understand that we don't communicate the same way you do!
Most men communicate very directly. We are socialized to speak what's on our minds. At the end of the day our mouthpieces are often times our only survival mechanisms for this tough, tough world. But trust me, we aren't always thinking about the ramifications of our "real talk."

Let me be the first to say that I appreciate everyone who has helped me tame my sharp tongue. (I got a long way to go too.) If you are working with a brotha that is offensive to you, or seems to be ultra critical, pull him aside and let him know that you don't like the way he is communicating with you. You might just find out that he isn't consciously being an asshole. (And if they are being assholes or tough on you please see bone 2.)


Bone 4: Learn to trust the other sistas on your team.
I don't have to go too deep into this one. Most of you already know what I am talking about. I can't tell you how many time sistas have told me that they "don't get along with other women."

Half of the reason why black men get away with some much bullshit is because we take advantage of your lack of sisterly solidarity. If ya'll could work together, I truly believe that half of the bullshit that we see in our community would disappear. (And, of course, we (men) have to get our shit together too.)


So alright, that was my rant. Please email me, if this "real talk" moment came across as sexist or patriarchal. These are just my perceptions. I really have no clue if what I say half the time is right or not. I just feel my way through it.

with love,

biko