your probably not concerned with me. i'm also certain that this notion that i am insignificant is also a farce. However that does not make the emotion any less real. If i were to commit suicide only the first two pews would be peppered with people. I would probably only inspire one or two moments of silence at poetry venues, either that or be forgotten soon after. just another shining star whose light couldn't be seen because no one was looking. in my hay-day i was huge in my own head. Now i'm small in my own head. No one calls, only a few cherished ones send text messages and they do occasionally brighten my day. do not be fooled i am yet and still a joyous individual reveling at the marvel of the universe and all it encompasses; however, my demons refuse to allow this joyousness to endure forever.
i have a loving woman who would stand by my side more then likely even if i killed someone. She sees the good in me and quite often calls me Superman. I am very far from being made of steal.
oh yeah my mom often regales on how proud she is of me and tells me how important it is for me to do bigger and better things with my life. i attempted this with becoming a tattoo artist. Though on many occasions i am brought close to tears because after almost a year of back breaking manual labor, learning the art of tattooing and several hundred dollars i was placed in one of the most non-lucrative parlors in the business. going days without doing a tattoo is common. i think the longest time period has been about fifteen days. I promote myself but that is tiring because I speak with so many people who are excited about getting a tattoo, set up an appointment with me. but when it comes time for the appointment they are no call no show. it's happened so many times that i've come to expect it. I am one of those who believes in believing. Being positive about the future, but it is sooo hard and tiring being hopeful when the evidence is nil. I grow tired of hoping and praying, because i grow weary of being disappointed so now i expect it. i'm sorry i've drawn this blog on for so long. Though i'm pretty sure those who are reading this are those who will finish it. i probably will get comments and if i don't, i'll be sad. there is nothing like having a fire burn inside you for so long, then having it dwindle to a flame the size of a match. I'm being depressive, there are of course a handful of people that i would not to read this because i don't want them to know the state that i'm in. (you know, ex's and stuff but fuck those bitches lol). they aren't here for me now. god i'm such a pisces, the part of me talking right now is being disputed by my other half who knows that most of the 199 contacts in my phone if i were to call them up right now would have kind words to say. but again the smaller part of me wants to be in this cesspool. that is another piscean trait.

ok i'm tired of feeling this way. tired tired tired.
i've have enough meet me on the next blog called: sutured