"…The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun…"

Lately things have slowly been changing. I resumed my stint at the school language I used to work at and got new foreign students to teach Italian to. I wasn't that excited in the beginning but after some classes I kinda remembered what it is like to listen to other people's perspectives and experiences. And that is definitely the best part of the job. Of course, it is just a temporary job. I'm holding the fort for the main Italian teacher but still, it has been kinda nice. Other than that, something else is also coming up. I decided it is time I start to focus on something else other than going to the gym and, in actuality, I haven't even been there for quite some time now.. In a few weeks, I'll be starting my new college experience and I really want to make it work this time. No matter what. I am already nervous about it and that is definitely a sign of my new outlook at the thing. But maybe the most impressive thing of all it's the last choice I came up with. I figured that something important was missing in my life. Something that has always been in my life, whether I was fine or depressed, music has always been there. That is why I decided it was time to work on the thing again. No more gigs or performances or challenges or caring about stupid people doing it better than I do. Oh no, I am so done with that! This time it is not gonna be about impressing or trying to be like someone else. This time it is me doing it. I also decided I am going to take guitar classes as well. Learning how to play the guitar has always been one of the things I really wanted to do, and I guess now it's the right time to start picking it up. Now that I am alone, more than usual. I really need something to keep me busy with. I also found myself wondering whether or not I will be able to enjoy it even if I don't have a band or people to play with but I suppose it's worth trying. This time I am in charge. No one else. And it feels kinda good. Being free. And I guess that what happened before made me realize I am not the same person I was and most importantly, how could I've ever been that person? Getting carried away by other people's attitude it is not a great thing to do, but maybe I just couldn't help it. But now I see things clearly. All of that was just so lame! I was too carried away by it. I have to remind myself of how to be detached. Seeing things from an exterior point of view. That's what matters. Of course a part of me longs for revenge, but it is just a dream, not a goal. So basically, in conclusion, what I'm trying to say is that every single thing I have ever done in the past which involved music... Well, now I deem it as a negative, stupid, delusional thing because it basically brought me to think of myself as talented, special or worthy and the truth is... I am not. I am just like anybody else. So this is why it is important I remind myself that this time, there is nothing I am doing it for but myself. Today I also cleaned up my room, getting rid of some old useless stuff. And now it feels like it's a different spot. Larger and cosy, but probably that is just some kind of psychic impression taking place in my head. Whatever…it still feels better. Will I ever be able to get it all balanced? Or better yet, to find balance? That is definitely the skill I've always lacked the most. Why can't I see shades but just black or white? Complete involvement vs. raw apathy… I guess I'm just wired that way.. But sometimes it's so very exhausting!

What else can I say? Oh! Yeah, maybe I won't be writing anything anymore. I have been thinking about it for quite sometimes now and I thought that maybe I've never really had anything to say. I maybe pretended I did but I don't. I am numb; I can't have something to say. And plus, it was funnier when there were less people doing it. But nothing is definite yet, so it could be apt to change. Like someone else once said, "who knows what's to come this could be the last chance to have fun" (except there's nothing fun about any of this. As always.)…