Hello Friends.

I'm trying to start a lie about Madonna.

Namely that she has an industrial sized fridge full of her breast milk, and that she posts phials of it to those she considers to be "in spiritual need".

You can help me in two ways. Firstly, by telling all your friends that this is true. And secondly by sending the following emails and letters.

Please. Let's do something special today.

1)

3am@mirror.co.uk

biz@the-sun.co.uk

thegoss@dailystar.co.uk

Have you heard the rumour about Madonna?

Word is she's got a huge, industrial fridge full of her breast milk, and she posts phials of it to those she considers to be "in spiritual need".

Madge losing it? Maybe!

2)

Her Majesty The Queen,

Buckingham Palace,

London SW1 1AA

UK

Your Majesty,

I am writing to you in your capacity as the highest authority in the land.

I have heard an alarming rumour, and am sure that some action should be taken, but am unsure to whom to turn.

I have heard it claimed that popular singer Madonna (an American though a resident on our shores) keeps gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge. She allegedly posts phials of it to those she considers to be "in spiritual need".

Is this right? Legally or ethically? I am at a loss.

Ma'am. Is there anything to be done?

I remain your humble subject,

3)

HRH Prince Charles,

Clarence House,

London SW1 1BA

UK

Your Majesty,

I am writing to you with regards to a rather peculiar matter. In truth, I am a little unsure as to whom to turn to on the subject. I have written to your mother Her Majesty the Queen, but have decided to contact you too, on the grounds that you are often more keen to "get involved" with public matters.

I shall come to the point. I recently heard a deeply strange rumour. I was told that popular singer Madonna keeps gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge, and that she posts phials of this milk to those she considers to be "in spiritual need".

If this rumour is true it is certainly troubling. But is this behaviour wrong as such? Ethically of legally? I am at a loss, and would greatly appreciate your input.

Your Majesty. What, if anything, is to be done?

I remain your loyal subject,

4)

The Honourable Ban Ki-Moon,

Secretary General,

760 Untied Nations Plaza,

United Nations,

New York, NY 10017

USA

Dear Sir,

I will keep this brief as I know that your time is almost uniquely precious and pressured (Darfur etc).

I have heard it rumoured that pop singer Madonna (USA) keeps gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge, and posts phials of it to those "in spiritual need". I assume this activity takes place on an international basis.

Thoughts?

Yours,

5)

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI
Apostolic Palace
00120 Vatican City

Your Holiness,

I'm writing to you because I have heard a troubling rumour, and would be extremely grateful for your opinion on the matter.

I have heard it whispered that pop singer Madonna keeps gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge, and posts phials of it to those she considers to be "in spiritual need".

I know that Madonna was raised a Catholic. I also know that her (frankly) lewd and iconoclastic behaviour has seen her fall foul of the Church in the past. If this rumour is true, has she now gone too far?

I for one find this sort of behaviour upsetting. Although I'm not entirely sure why.

Yours,

6)

Dalai Lama,

Office of H.H. the Dalai Lama,

Thekchen Choeling,

P.O. Mcleod Ganj-176219,

Dharamsala,

Distt. Kangra (H.P.)

India

Your Holiness,

First of all, good luck with Tibet.

Now. I have heard a really strange rumour about a pop singer that you've probably heard of, and possibly even met. She's called Madonna.

According to this rumour she keeps gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge, and posts phials of it to those she considers to be "in spiritual need".

Is this "stepping on the toes" of the likes of you and the Pope? Should she stop it? Or is it a case of "whatever floats your boat"?

I'm really not sure what to think about this, and would greatly appreciate your wisdom on the subject.

Yours humbly,

7)

Bono,

Principle Management,

250 West 57th Street,

Suite 2120,

New York, NY 10107

USA

Bono,

I'm not going to patronise you because you know the score. Right? Right. Save the arselicking for the Clintons, yeah? Let's talk properly here.

I've heard some fairly fruity talk about Madonna.

According to the gossip mill (yeah, I know) she's keeping gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge, and posting it to "those in spiritual need".

I don't need to tell you what your opinion should be about that. Right? Do I? Course not. Right.

Would you at least have a word with her? I don't need to tell you why you're the guy to do this.

C'mon man. For her as much as anyone else.

Yours,

8)

Madonna,

Maverick Films,

9348 Civic Center Dr.,

3rd Floor,

Beverly Hills, CA 90210

USA

Dear Madonna or, I suppose, Madonna's representative,

I've heard this rumour. Really weird rumour.

This guy was all "Oh, my mate says Madonna keeps gallons of her breast milk in an industrial sized fridge, and she posts phials of it to people she thinks are in spiritual need".

Is it true?

If it is true, then I guess it's kinda cool and has to be for a good reason.

If it isn't true then it's totally weird and this guy should SHUT THE HELL UP!

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