I'm spending the night Minneapolis this evening for business and that entails luggage.

Normally any time I travel, I lose all ability to make packing decisions.  I tend to find myself standing in my closet in my underwear at midnight, crying because I have to get up in four hours and all I've managed to stuff in my bag is a copy of Us Weekly and my two rattiest pair of underpants.

However, somehow I managed to be so organized yesterday that I had my bags packed and placed by the front door at 8:00 PM. 

There was no scrambling... no sweating... no crying. 

I'm not sure if the fates were conspiring or if maybe this is simply a function of having finally purchased a grown-up carry on bag.  Regardless, I was able to relax and enjoy my evening stress-free.

But it really wasn't stress-free. 

Where was that feeling of doom stemming from having packed nothing but three bags of Skittles and a girdle?  What would it be like to go to the airport on more than 45 minutes of REM sleep? 

Despite being completely ready, I felt out of sorts. 

I took a bath, but that didn't make a difference. 

So I took an Ambien.  And that helped a little.

So I had a glass of wine on top of it.  And that helped. 

A LOT.

Thus having achieved a state of perfect relaxation, I got into bed.

OK, that's a lie. 

Instead, I logged onto Twitter. 

Following, you'll find that exchange.  In it, I post a number of responses to questions I don't remember being asked.  And at some point you can see that I decide to badger Ashton and Demi, thus almost assuring I will henceforth be banned from their Twitters.  (I'm particularly intrigued at how I slip in and out of lucidity.)  So now, um... enjoy? 

is so organized that I have time to drink a glass of wine, swallow an Ambien, and trot off to the internet where I'll dispense advice.

Not that anyone has asked, but I'm here at the ready, or at least until the pharmaceuticals toss my ass in bed.

which, letsh be honests, is rapidly approchaing.

@MsKooler1214- I understand all the words in this tweet, but not their meaning. Am I in Cnn? Which this book? Am I the book cococachoo?

I bet @apluskNEVER chases Ambien with wine and then runs to the computer because he's all "professional" and shit. (He has people 4 that.)

@WeesnottDesigns- Within half an hour but more like a few minutes if you go with something sparkly, like Procecco.

Ashton's curing malaria? With what? Eric Foreman's dad's Datsun? Dude and Sweet tattoos? A big bag of weed? So confused.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

@WeesnottDesigns - Purple monkey dishwasher.

@amber_piers- I'd chose me, but only if I were Kelly Talor and didn't want to date old men.

@WeesnottDesigns - You's are lazy? Mine are always "blah blah blah business plans, blah, sustainable growth and solid P&L. My monkeys suck.

I would kill each and every one of you (well, not you jessedup) for a very small cheeseburger with a pickle and mustard on a itty bitty bun.

I keeed! I keeed! I would only rob you for your wee, wee (but not pee-related) itty bitty burgers.

@byflutter- I can stagger like a muthafuckin ninja. (Typed that wroed ninja weong but had the wherewithall the fix it.)

@figgybean- You say it like findifng my shoes (or my feet) is an option right now.

am getting al;l cookied up in honor o0f @moosinindy's biethdyay. She likes it when I gets slurry.

FYI? THis? Right here? Is why I was so poipular in collage.

Having a relazed sense of moreal turpitude didn't hurt either.

@mrskutcher- you're washing cars? Wowie, I guess the economy is hitting everyone harder than expected.

@millarde- Yegatory.

Just lost a bunch of followers. But if they don't like Sauvignon-Ambien Jen, why the fuck where they even hanging around?

@byflutter- I find collage rewarding, too. All those little pictures sitcking on top of each toher.

@HollyGhere- No but last week I orderd $4k of bedroom furniture. They showe d up and I was all SURPRISE! Oh, wait.

@RhiRhi- Neither, you'll end uip with three pole dancers name Tiffany shoing up at yoru place in twenrty minutes.

@kissieme- Pfft, not a rant. This is what I DO. Must remember to save this to end a chapter in some lateR book.

@GridironGoddess- And it's floral. What's supresad is i've had one wee ambien andone wee glass of wine. Fatasslightweight.

Glass emptyee pill digested, peanute btutter bpretzels, tastey, bednowyeskthxbai.

HEY YOU PEPIOLE ARE MOCKING ME... Not undesrrtverd, but still Mocking. I'll go to bed & be unpleasantly surprised whenb I log on in the AM

Internet = 1, Jen's dumb ass = 0

Godspeed, ninja. Am strealing that. Good night. Off to PotteryBarn.com...

The good news is there's no evidence of any online shopping last night.

The bad news is at some point after this, I had a run in with a can of spray tan.

This is probably why I never pack early.