........
Impact
Impact, what does it mean?
Impact;
a forceful consequence; a strong effect.
That's what I've aimed for all my
life, to make strong effects on others. To let them know that it is
okay, no matter the situation. I hold my hand, and my heart to all
people who need it; my hand when you need help standing back up, and
my heart when you need a friend to comfort you. My shoulder when they
need to rest their heads down. My ear when people need to talk about
what's on their mind. My sleeve when they need to dry their eyes. All
my life I have been this caring person, this person who doesn't care
where you're from, the color of your skin, the gender you happen to
fall in love, who you were yesterday, the horrible things you did.
It's not that I just want
to do this anymore, I don't just want
to be this kind of person. I live for it, I need
to do this, I need
to be this person. I've been told I have a heart a gold, and I want
to use it the right way. I don't nor can I just let it go to waste. I
can be something here, I can do something great with this, that's
exactly what it all is though, it's just a “this” and that's what
it always will be. I could go on impacting others lives for as long
as I lived, and I would still go on living unnoticed. I want my words
to be more than just “this” I want them to actually go on and
mean something. I could spend my whole life typing of every person
I've ever left an impact on, but I believe the main story I will try
and tell you all today, is the story of a girl who lost all
direction and spun out of control, and took me down with her, as well
as brought me back up.
Chapter 1
June
17, 2006
“I woke up this morning feeling awfully weird. I
couldn't help to feel like something was just off. I took a big step
today; I saw past a girls smile, it was one of the ones where they
plaster it there every morning and “hope no one can tell anythings
wrong with you” kind of smile...”
“Hello, friend,”
I said to her, as she just sat there with a look of death on her
face. I could tell this girl wasn't any normal girl, she needed a
friend. Not just any friend in particular because she had plenty of
those. I'm talking about a friend that she could start over with, be
herself, and not worry about judgment. She said back to me quietly
“Hello, stranger,” I was fine with that, the word stranger
because I knew that word would only be used for a little while
longer. “My name is Riley.” I said to her with a smile on my
face, reaching my hand out to her. She sat quiet for a moment, after
a few moments she looked up at me and replied, “I don't understand
why you're trying so hard, but my name is Juniper Giselle Rookwood.”
I pulled my hand away, and just started at her. I think so long I
actually startled her. I was trying to understand her and I couldn't.
Usually if I stare long enough at a person, I've got them figured out
in two minutes. Juniper, well she was very different. Her hair, a
brownish blonde color, it sat perfectly right above her shoulders.
Her eyes were blue, an out of the ordinary blue, you could see the
sadness that sat there, but the shade was a happy blue. Her body type
was about average, she was a beautiful girl. “Hello stranger, I
asked why you were trying so hard,” she snapped at me, as I came
back into reality. I said in response to her “You look like you
could use a friend,” as I walked away to the group of people I
normally hung around.
I
threw my bag down on the table, and the normal conversations went on
between the people that took me in when I started school here. Now
would probably be a great time to tell you about my life. My name is
Riley Jayde Bourne, I'm sixteen years old. Many people tell me I have
the perfect life, the loving mom, and over protective step father,
the siblings that are so fun to be around. They don't know how wrong
they are, my life has been a tragedy since my parents split. I'm
living in the city of Kalamazoo,
Michigan.
I attend Central High School, it's a nice school for the most part,
as nice as a school can be.
The bell for class rings, and I grab my bag and
head off to class. English always a nice way to start of the day. I
couldn't keep focus on the assignment due at the end of the period, I
had the picture of Juniper stuck in my head, the dead look behind the
fake smile plastered on her face. I go through the rest of my classes
before lunch with the same picture in my head. Lunch time came
around, and I headed to the tree, where I spent most of my lunch
period alone. I ate my lunch and took out my diary and wrote down
some things that were so unique about Juniper;
“Her eyes are like fire, that could put themselves
out.
Her smile is almost as fake as a barbie
She is so different, I've made it my mission to
understand her...”
The
bell rings, and lunch is over. On my walk back towards the class
rooms, I catch glance of Juniper and change my direction, so I can
pass by her. As I walk by we make eye contact, but no words are to be
spoken. I glance behind me, to see if she has done the same. No luck
with that, she just continued on her way, very slow paced, clenching
a book to her chest. The rest of the day went by like it wasn't even
real. I get on the bus, and it's a long ride home so I put in my ear
buds, and listen to my favorite band “The Spill Canvas.” By the
time the first stop comes around, I've already fallen asleep.
My stop is up, and I realize someone is shaking me.
I look up and blink a couple of time to make sure I'm actually awake,
Juniper is standing in front of me, I see her mouth moving but I
can't hear her. I hear the sound of the music playing and quickly
pull the ear buds out of my ear and say “What?” Juniper looks at
me confused as ever, I grab my bag and walk down the isle and get off
the bus. I put my ear buds back in and walk as fast as I can in the
direction of my house.
I get home and there is nobody home, not even a note
on the refrigerator. This rarely happens, the whole being home alone
thing at least. I fix me up something to eat, and head to my bedroom.
After I eat, I set my dishes on my desk and turn on my computer, and
pull out my homework. As I start to do that, my mind wonders and I'm
stuck on the thought of Juniper once again. I must have zoned out and
thought about her for a good hour, before someone knocked on my door.
It's my mother, asking her normal questions of the day like “How
was school?” “Have you done your homework?” Nothing ever out of
the ordinary, with that woman.
After I get rid of my mother, and get ready
to sit back down and try for my homework, my younger sister Aubri
comes jumping on my bed. She, almost as unoriginal as my mother, asks
the same question as usual “What are you doing?” and goes around
touching my stuff. I ignore her hoping she will leave, but she
doesn't. I finally get fed up with her going through my things and
yell at her “If you don't mind, I have some homework to do!”
She's out of my room faster than she came in. I slam my door shut,
and lock it, so I have no more interruptions.
I
finally have the peace and quiet to sit and do my homework, so I sit
down and get it done, with my mind wondering off every so often about
Juniper. It's dinner time, I sit at the table, along with my mother
and Aubri. My step father not home yet so my mother fixes him a plate
and puts it away, and my older brother, Kayden, runs off to his bed
room. Dinner, is the same as every night, nothing is ever said, the
rest of the night goes on as followed. I'm back in my room, I flip
off the lights, and go to bed earlier tonight, in hopes to see
Juniper tomorrow.
I wake up and go through the same morning routines
before I rush off to catch the bus. The bus ride, is long and boring,
as it always is. This morning I'm wide awake, so I'm looking to see
if I can see Juniper anywhere on the bus. We get to the last stop, by
this time I was starting to doubt that she rode the bus in the
morning, but I see her perfect hair, her fake smile. We make eye
contact as she walks by, just for a second, staring at her eyes
scared me, so I had to look away. We arrived at the school, and I sat
patiently waiting for Juniper to pass me, so I could get off behind
her and apologize for yesterday. I grab my bag, and start heading
down the isle, shortly behind Juniper. I run up to her and tap her on
the shoulder. She turns around and my eyes go to my feet as I say
“Hey, I'm really sorry about yesterday, I don't know what got into
me. What did you need anyways?” She stares at her feet for a quick
second, and looks back up at me and says “It was nothing, I just..
I couldn't get what you said to me yesterday off my mind is all. I
was wondering what you meant by it.” I kicked the ground “You
know, Juniper, in all honesty it doesn't matter what I meant by it,
what matters is how you took it. I've got to go to my locker now, so
if that's all I'll be on my way” She stared at me with a blank
face, and I just turned and walked away. “Why was I so cold to
her, Riley what are you thinking, that was rude.” That was the only
thought in my mind, for the rest of the day.
Lunch
time has came around again, and instead of going to the tree where my
ordinance would usually take me, I went off to look for Juniper, so I
could apologize. As I get closer to where she's sat with her friends.
I realize she's with kids who are a grade higher than me, and I get
nervous so I stop in my tracks. “Riley you were rude, you need to
apologize” is what I think to get my feet moving again. I finally
get over to her and the group of people she is hanging out with and
say quietly “Juniper, can I talk to you really fast?” She gets
up, and grabs my arm and pulls me away from her friends “What are
you doing?” I look down at my feet and click them together a few
times. “I just wanted to apologize for earlier, you think maybe we
could talk on the bus?” Before she has time to respond, I take off
to the tree where I can feel ordinary, and myself again. The rest of
the day moves so slow. I pull out my diary in my last class and begin
to write;
“...I'm really upset with the way Juniper acted
towards me in front of her friends.
Then again, me and her were never really friends at
the start.
This mission might take a little longer than I
thought it would.
I suppose, I should pay attention in class now.”
Class ends, and I sit on the bus waiting to
see if Juniper ever gets on. She doesn't, so I put my ear buds in and
fall asleep. I wake up to the stop before mine, and decide to get off
there. I take the long way home, and get in a little later than
usual. My mom, she's passed out on the couch when I walk in, drunk of
course, I move as quiet as a mouse, and get to my room unheard. I
lock my door, and set my stuff down. I'm exhausted so I lay down on
my bed, and fall asleep. I wake up to someone banging on my door. I
jump up quickly and open the door. It's my mom, sober for now,
“Dinner's ready, Riley” I go out grab my plate and head back to
my bed room to start on my homework. I wasn't very hungry so I just
picked off my plate. I knew my mom would get mad if I didn't finish
my dinner, so I waited to take it out until she fell asleep for the
night.
Morning comes around, and I'm running later
than usual. I catch the bus just in time, sit down in a seat, out of
breath. We get to the school, there was no sight of Juniper on the
bus, or by the tree she usually sits alone at in the morning. I walk
slowly to the table where I sit in the morning, not many people are
at the school yet. I sit in silence, staring off at nothing in
particular. I feel a tap on my shoulder and look over, I see my best
friend. She pushes me playfully and says “Hey stranger, where have
you been lately?” I rub my arm, and think to myself “Stranger, is
that all I am anymore, a stranger?” Kenzie snaps her fingers, in
front of my face as she says “Hello? Earth to Riley” I look back
at her, and push her back, “I've been here, so I think the question
is where have you been?” The bell rings and she says “I haven't
been feeling like myself lately, Ri.” She's gone before I could ask
her what's wrong.
I get to my class, and find my seat. Kenzie's last
statement is the only thing running through my head. “I haven't
been feeling like myself lately, Ri”, is that her way of telling me
she needs help, that she needs someone to lend her a shoulder. Kenzie
and I, well we go back to kindergarten. It's a funny story how we met
actually. We had the same teacher at the time, and we got into a
fight over crayons, and have been best friends since that day. We
haven't had another fight since then, not over boys, not because of
jealousy of other friends. I know she will always be there when I
need her, and she knows the same goes for her. The bell rings, and
class is over, I spend way too much time thinking.
I'm standing near my locker, and quickly scope out
the hall and notice Juniper, standing against a wall, by herself. I
make my way through the crowds of people in the hall, and stand next
to her. “What a lovely way to spend the time between classes”, I
say to her. She laughed, “There isn't much else you can do.” As
she starts to walk away, I grab her arm and ask if she wants to ditch
class with me. She stares at me like I'm crazy, followed by “Yeah,
lets get out of here.”
We walk over to the tree, not her
morning tree, and not my tree of ordinance, but a new tree, a tree
out of the way, one we can call our own. We throw our bags down, and
sit side by side, leaning up against the tree. We start out with
small talk conversations, leading to something more. We were
laughing, when she looked at me and said, “I still don't understand
why you're trying so hard, or what you meant by 'you thought I needed
a friend'” I looked over at her, with a smile on my face, “Juniper,
when I said it didn't matter what I meant by it, I was serious, all
that matters is how you took it. As for why I'm trying so hard,
you're not like anyone in this school, and you're definitely not like
the people you hang out with.”
She looked away, staring at her feet now,
she stands up, grabs her bag, and as she starts to walk away she said
to me “Maybe this was a bad idea, Riley.” I stay seated against
the tree, the smell of her still lingers next to me, it's a smell of
fresh laundry, and stale cigarettes. I sit and think about what I
said, and how it wasn't offensive in anyway. I fall asleep against
the tree with my bag clenched to my chest. I wake up to the sound of
the lunch bell.
I walk back to where there are people.
I spot out Kenzie, and walk up to her and ask if we can talk. We go
sit at the table where our morning conversation took place. “What
did you mean by you didn't feel like yourself?” I asked her,
staring at her brown eyes. I realized something as I stared, that
isn't my best friend, something is wrong. “Ri, you know what I
mean, it's just life. Things can't always go the way you want them.”
I give her a half laugh, “I don't know what you mean, what's going
on with you? I can see the pain in your eyes, what happened to you?”
I can see the tears in her eyes start to build up and I just put my
arms around her. “Kenzie, you know that I'm always here to listen
if you need someone to talk to. Come home with me after school, and
we'll talk about it.” By this time she's in tears and she just nods
her head. My arms are wrapped around her so tight, and all I could
was just think about how upset she was. The bell rang, and Kenzie
dried her tears, and whispered in my ear, “Thank you Ri.” and
walked away.
I get to my next class, and pull my diary out, not
even paying attention to the assignment. I open it up and start to
write;
“...All I can think about is what happened to
Kenzie that made her this way.
I can see the pain in her eyes, even worse when I
was holding on to her, I could feel it.
Something isn't right, and I know I can do
something to fix it...”
School ends and I meet Kenzie in the parking lot,
luckily enough her parents let her drive to school. We get in the
car, and she lights up a cigarette and offers me one. I take it, I
don't smoke all the time, but one can't hurt, can it? I light it up
and take a drag, and we're on our way to a park. I put my feet up on
the dashboard, and look out the window. “Kenzie, can I ask you
something?” I said quietly hoping she would hear me. Her eyes on
the road she hesitates for a minute and says “Of course Ri, you
know you can always ask.” I glance over at her, “What happened
that made you so upset?” She stays quiet the rest of the ride. We
get to the park, and I'm first out of the car, Kenzie still sitting
there, clenching the steering-wheel. She finally gets out of the car,
and we go sit on the swings. As Kenzie starts telling me about what
happened I see Juniper walking up to the play ground. I space out as
Kenzie is talking and just stare at the way she walks. “So calm and
collective, yet so scared and weak” is what I'm thinking in my
head. I snap back into reality just in time to hear Kenzie say “He
held me down against my bed, and had his fun while I screamed and
cried.” I turn my head and look at Kenzie, she's balling her eyes
out. I get up off my swing, and put my arms around her, and just hold
her. Eventually we fall to the ground, and I start crying, running my
hands through her hair, and telling her everything is going to be
okay.
Juniper walks up to the two of us crying on the
ground, and just stares. I finally get the strength to get up, and I
reach my hand out to Kenzie. She takes my hand and I help her up. At
that moment in time, I believe is when me and Kenzie stopped being
friends, and we became family, sisters at that. I look over at
Juniper and ask “What are you doing here, you live like an hour
away from here?” She smiles “I come here often after school.”
Kenzie, her eyes are red and puffy from crying so hard, she's staring
at Juniper. I take a step back and introduce the two girls to each
other. We sit at the swings and talk about school, parties, teachers,
cute boys. Finally Kenzie says “The sun is going down, and I should
probably get home. Ri, do you need a ride?” I look at Juniper, she
smiles at me, I look back up to Kenzie, “No, I think I'm going to
sit and talk with Juniper a little longer.” Not another word from
Kenzie, as she walks to her car.
I get up and sit on the swing, next to where
Juniper is sitting on the ground. I look down at her and say “So,
what are you really doing here?” Juniper gets up and pulls a little
baggy out of her pocket, “I was here to get this” she says, as
she throws the baggy at me. I examine the contents of the baggy, and
toss it back to her. “You know Juniper, maybe this isn't a good
after all” I say to her as I start walking to my house.
Chapter 2
June
20, 2006
“...I can't believe Juniper was into drugs.
It was only marijuana but I still can't believe
it.
Maybe I made a mistake, with who I was trying to
fix...”
I get home from the long adventure home from the park,
and my mom is hammered drunk. I really didn't want to deal with the
yelling, so I tried to get to my room as quiet as I could. She heard
me, I'm so sure she heard me come in the house. I hear her behind me,
screaming at me, “Where have you been? Don't you know how to use
your phone? I was worried sick about you Riley.” I ignore her, and
continue to my bed room. She grabs my arm and throws me up against a
wall “Riley, why can't you be more like Kayden? He's so smart, and
good, he always made good grades through high school”, is what she
was screaming in my face. My mother isn't bigger than me, so I could
get away from her if I wanted to, but, as odd as it may sound I love
when she screams at me like this, it seems like she cares for just a
split second. I have yet to say anything back to her, but she
continues to scream. She slaps me, and I feel the tears roll down my
face. “Why are you crying, Riley?” she says as she slaps me
again. I cry harder, this time I push her off of me and I run to my
room. I slam the door shut, and lock the door. I lay on my bed, put
my face in my pillow, and cry myself to sleep.
I wake up the next morning, I pick out an
outfit to wear, nothing too out of the ordinary for me, just a pair
of blue jeans, and a black t-shirt. I take the clothes I've picked
out to the bath room with me. I turn the shower on, and make sure
it's at a warm temperature. I get undressed and stand where the water
is just pouring down me. The water hitting my face stings a little
bit from where my mother slapped me. As I stand under the water, I
close my eyes to keep me from crying. I have the picture in my head
of my mother slapping me, still. I can't figure out why I'm so upset
about this, it's not like it's the first time it has happened. I
realize I've been in the shower for a really long time, and turn the
water off. I get out and wrap a towel around me. I stand in front of
the mirror, just staring back at myself. I touch my face, it's
bruised from where my mother struck me. I pull my shirt over my head
and I realize I'm crying again. I dry my eyes, and get dressed the
rest of the way.
I get outside and it's colder than usual,
I start on my long adventure to no where. As I'm walking I realize
that I really could use a cigarette. I try to call Kenzie, no luck
there, she never picks up my phone calls though, so I'm use to it. I
see a puddle on the corner of the road, I stop and stare at it. I see
my reflection in it, and I think to myself, “What am I doing here?
I haven't even came close to achieving my mission, to figure out
Juniper. My best friend is a tragedy case, and own mother hits me.”
I bend down and pick up a rock, and drop it into the puddle, my
reflection becomes warped and I walk away from the puddle.
I look up from watching my feet as I walk, and look
over to only see a familiar face, I try not to stare, and be as
unnoticeable as I can. I fail at that, miserably, she yells, “Riley!”
I try to act like I didn't hear her, but she yells again and I can't
help but to walk over to her. “Hey Miss Juni.” she laughs at me,
“What are you doing over in this area?” I look away “I live
just down a couple streets from here.” I said as I point in the
direction of my house. I smile at her and ask, “Would like to go on
a walk with me, Miss?” She laughs at me again and says “Sure.”
We link arms and head down the street. I see another puddle on the
side of the road, and make Juniper look at reflection. I ask her
“What do you see when you look at yourself?” She replies, with
words that wouldn't make anyone too happy, “I see a girl, who's
lost all direction of her life. Someone who used to be happy, but
can't find the light of day anymore. I see a girl, with a broken and
bruised heart, one that I doubt anyone could fix.” I think to
myself for a moment, “If only you would give me the chance to try.”
I look back over at her, and she's in tears. I put an arm around her,
and pull her into a hug, and whisper in her ear, “Juniper it's okay
to cry sometimes, just let it out.” She wraps her arms back around
me, and uses my shoulder to muffle her cry, I rub her back, and let
her know that she will be okay. I remind her she has the choice to
fix herself, if that's what she wanted to do. She pulls away from me,
and just stares at me, with a slight smile on her face. I lose myself
in her eyes, and think to myself, “Maybe I will get the chance to
fix the broken in her,” I shake my head and remember she's standing
in front of me. I link arms with her again, and walk her back to her
house.
We were silent the whole walk back to her house,
she looked at me with a smile, and invited me inside. I accepted the
offer, and she leads me into the house. I looked around the house, it
was a beautiful home. Granite counters in the kitchen, tile in every
part of the house but the bedrooms. The dinning room, was absolutely
beautiful, a chandelier hanging high over the table, that looks to
fit a large family. After she took me on the tour through the house,
she lead me to her bedroom. She sits in a chair, and looks at me and
says, “Make yourself at home.” I kick off my shoes to make her
laugh, “If you insist.” and jump on her bed. We laugh, and she
pulls out that baggy again. I stare at her, with a confused look upon
my face, and she just smiles at me. I never smoked marijuana before,
I always told myself I never would. She loads a bowl in her bong, and
takes a hard hit. I just stare as she holds it in, I estimated it was
a good twenty seconds, before she finally exhaled. She offered the
bong to me, and I denied it. I laid back on her bed, and stared at
the ceiling, as she got high. I closed my eyes and fell asleep, to
the smell of stale cigarettes, and pot in the air.
I wake up to Juniper laying next to me, I look
over and just see her staring at me. I am kind of freaked out, but in
a happy way because I've gotten her attention. She offers me a
cigarette, and says “No offense, if you don't smoke.” I look over
and take the cigarette, she lights it up for me and says “A pretty
girl should never light her own cigarette.” I laughed, and took a
long drag. She smiled, and I honestly believed that it was a happy
smile, that she was happy with me around. I took another drag off my
cigarette, and asked, “So, what did you do while I was sleeping?”
she laughed, “I finished smoking, and laid right next to you, and
did the same thing.” I checked the time, it was 5:24pm, “Holy
shit!” I said in a calm manner, Juniper looked at me very confused.
“I really need to get home, I wasn't supposed to be gone all day.”
She laughs at me, and says “Calm down, Tiger, let me walk you out.”
I had forgotten I took my shoes off, so I put them on quickly, and
hurried Juniper outside. She shook her head at me, and gave me a hug,
“Have a safe journey home, Tiger.” As soon as she let go of me, I
started jogging home.
I get inside, and my mother has already
passed out drunk, and dinner has been made. I grab a plate to eat, I
didn't eat before I left the house. I finish eating, sitting all by
my lonesome in the dinning room, thinking about the day I had with
Juniper. I clean my dishes and scurry away to my bedroom. I sit down
at my desk and open up my diary;
“...It felt so nice to wake up to her, laying
there next to me.
The smell of her always lingers after I see her,
and it's a great smell.
I think I made a break through, she opened up to
me, I guess I have to try harder to get what I want out of her...”
I close my diary, and just sit at my desk tapping my
pen, thinking of the possibilities of what me and Juniper could have.
I've never felt this way about another girl, this is new to me, well
I've always been able to look at a girl and judge them on their
looks. Just thinking that a girl could possibly be more than a friend
to me, that makes me feel odd, and out of the ordinary. I never like
feeling out of the ordinary, and I don't know if Juniper is exactly
the type of girl, to take a risk like that for. I hear a ringing,
and realize my phone has been ringing for a good thirty seconds. I
pick it up in a hurry not even looking at who it is. “Hello?”
there's no answer so I decide to say hello once more before I hang
up. I get a reply this time, “Hey Ri, sorry I missed your call
earlier.” I look at my phone and realize it's Kenzie on the other
line. I feel like I'm in a trance from thinking about Juniper, but I
respond “Don't worry about it Kenzie, I was just out and was
wondering what you were doing.” She hesitated for a minute, and I
checked the phone to see if she was still there, she said to me
“Riley, I think I am a harm to myself, I need you with me tonight.”
I have no hesitation when I say, “I'll be right there.” I hang up
the phone and I leave the house. I hear my mom screaming at me from
the front door, asking where I'm going, and who I think I am. I don't
doubt that she will lock me out tonight, but that's alright I need to
be with Kenzie tonight.
I
walk up to Kenzie's house, I thought she was outside waiting for me,
when I realized she had a knife in her hand. I run over to her, and
pull the knife away from her, and toss it across the yard. I put my
hand over her arm, to stop the bleeding. “Kenzie, what are you
thinking?” I say panicking. “I'm worthless, I'm trash, I don't
deserve to live this life. He told me so, and I believe him.” I
press harder down on her arm, because it wont stop bleeding, “You
deserve to live your life, just as much as anyone else, you're the
best friend I could ever ask for.” I break down into tears, and
just pull her close to me. She doesn't say another word to me. We sit
in the grass, as I hold onto her for dear life. Her arm stopped
bleeding by this time. I pull away from her, and look her dead in the
eye, and ask her, “Who was it?” She shakes her head at me, and
says “It doesn't matter, what's done is done.” “No Kenzie, we
can do something about this, we can put him in jail.” I said back,
forcefully. She just keeps shaking her head at me, saying no. I get
up off the ground, and reach my hand out to Kenzie, she takes my
hand, and I help her off the ground. As
we walk in the house, Kenzie thanks me for being there for her, and I
just laugh to myself as I think, “Were you not just calling me a
stranger, the other day.”