I'm not big on blogging here, but I thought it would be a good place to put down some thoughts and inform some of you about what's going on with me at the same time.

A few of you know that I've not been up to par the past few months. It started in February, maybe even before then, but I was starting to feel rundown and fatigued. My photography was picking up and I would blame my condition to working full time and then going out to different shows to take photos. My husband was taking notice, but I'm really good at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. Even after barely being able to finish two different shows, I tried to hide how bad I was feeling.

In May, I was at Brown's Island to see Carbon Leaf and had a pass to go backstage to shoot. About halfway through the show I was faint, sore and sick. I staggered through the rest of the show, stopping once back stage wondering why my hands could barely grip my camera. I shook it off and made it around to the front corner of the stage and leaned on the speaker stack to keep my legs from going out from under me. I knew I was sick.

Anyway, after many doctor visits, ER visits, blood test, a CT scan and dozens of pain pills later, it's becoming clear that whatever is wrong with me is not a quick fix. First, they thought my migraine meds were causing my fatigue and chronic pain. Next, I was diagnosed with Vitamin D deficiency, but there seemed to be something more wrong. Now, I've had multiple doctors talking about rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, Fibromyalgia and some sort of thyroid disease. I've got specialist appointments set and more tests on the 11th. I can't say I've been handling this well.

For those who don't know much about these diseases, all but Fibro are an autoimmune disease, where the immune system turns on the body. Fibro is basically all the same symptoms, but they are unable to find the cause. Here's what I can tell you; if it's one of these that I have, it's painful as hell...for now anyway.

Most days I have something swollen; hands, feet, knees...something is puffy. Every joint aches and there are random shooting pains throughout most of my joints. The pain creates a fatigue that's hard to deal with and I'm winded doing the daily routine. Getting dressed is rough. Stairs are even harder.

So with all of this going on, and not knowing exactly what's wrong, I've been pretty distressed. Lots of crying, pretty damn angry and every emotion in between. Mainly I've been frustrated...frustration with my doctor, frustration with my own illness, frustration with long waits to see doctors...and frustration because I've had my life put on hold because I am not capable of what I am usually able to do. Concert photography has been put on a back burner and my family is learning to do things without me...it's tough.

Before you think that this is all "boohoo" and "woe is me", I want to tell you that I've learned a few things and I am starting to come to terms with whatever this is. Music has been the biggest help...go figure. I've been listening to a lot of Carbon Leaf (again, go figure). Block of Wood has always meant something to me, but now going through this, it reminds me how important family is. My husband and son have been more than wonderful. Taking me to the ER in the middle of the night, helping me with the dogs, and catering to me on the days where I can't even walk. They've let me know that I am not in this alone and that helps get me out of bed and going on days that I'd rather just lay there.

Then last Saturday the wonderful Tali and Elmo let Eli and join them on a trip to Raleigh to see CL. Probably a mistake physically, but mentally it was the best thing I could do for myself. I made it through most of the all day event, but started feeling rough through the boys. I stuck around to chat with the band and some friends before we left to go back to the hotel. The walk back was...well...hell. But I did it! More importantly, while I stood there at the show, in near tears from the pain, I was able to really think about my "illness" and how I've been letting it get to me and steal my sanity. What stands out the most is hearing Barry sing "I am not in need" to What About Everything. I know someone had to see me trying not to laugh...he was right...I'm not.

I ache...so what! I'm tired...so what! I had to tell myself that I may be suffering from chronic pain and fatigue right now, and yes, it may be interrupting my life, but it's not going to kill me. I've still got both arms, both legs, use of all limbs, eyes and ears...good insurance and a great support system around me. I'm really not in need. Sure, there are days that are going to be tough...and yes, the not knowing what's wrong it really getting to me...but I'm going to get through this and get back to life. God, I can't wait.

So while this may be primarily a self-serving blog, it's important for me to put it down here so that on days that I feel like I am dying, I can remember that it's only temporary. I will try and keep you all informed and hopefully I will know something more soon.

Until then...Go listen to some Leaf...Indian Summer really is the best album ever...and in a completely inside statement...thanks, it all started with you.