No doubt those of you who know me best, and always seem to have my best interests at heart, you know that I have not been myself lately. I have varying emotions since a relationship that became very important to me ended. Love never comes easily to me, never has, and not sure that it ever will. I have a tendency to make horrible choices. This time I was sure that I nailed it. Granted it's not a relationship that I should have been in, but I threw caution to the wind for the sake of love. For one year I felt special, considered, felt like things were just how I wanted them to be. I could often be seen gushing like a little high school girl just knowing I would be able to spend quality time with my guy. There were millions of just becauses. I finally had someone in my corner, the one person who cared that I was in the world. It was indeed refreshing, rewarding, and at times surreal. I can say that I gave as much as I could and more in this relationship. I was honest, loyal, dependable, patient, basically all that you would want a person to be. This time I followed his lead, and didn't put myself out there for the many "firsts" that we had. Suppose I was looking at the world through rose colored glasses.

I was hit by a ton of bricks, not given all the information, all the facts. Things came to a screeching halt. He walked away from the relationship and left me shattered. I had hopes of salvaging even the friendship, as I had done in the past with any of my exes. Just not that type of girl. I found a way to have kind words, and grow fond of the many memories. While it was the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a long time. I decided to hit that level of acceptance. I talked myself into saying it was his loss not mine. It just wasn't meant to be. But the devastation was starting to get the better of me. It took awhile for me to sort through my emotions. He made it seem as if he was doing me a favor. He had school, two jobs, too much going on, and I was "a sweet lady", he just couldn't do it to me anymore. He wanted reaction, anger, frustration, cursing and swearing, and in exchange I gave him silence. As I was numb, felt sideswiped, and even thought this can't be happening. For I had expressed let's just stay friends, and go no further, because there is a point of no return, and I didn't want to get hurt. We had a little more communication. Which ultimately led to me thinking there is more to the story. To his credit, he admitted that there was someone else that he trusted, and emotionally confided in, who just "resurfaced". So to prove he was sincere, he decided to hurt me, and end things. Wow, powerful. To be so dismissive of my feelings and emotions. He finally put himself first. Suddenly I wasn't good enough. Who does this? I mean, it's brutal. Because if I didn't really love him, I would be over it by now, and I could move on just like that. He didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. I had to ask for his honesty. I am still working through the shock and disbelief, because I just had not clue other than that things were fine. I really was the last to know...lol...well almost the last. The joke was on me. It really was. My goodness, this is life changing. Oh my friends warned me, some supported me, and others just cautioned me to be careful. You don't do that when you're in love. I jumped in feet first, and boy did I get burned, by someone I considered to be one of my closest friends. I was an idiot.

So you have heard me paint the picture long enough.  The sad part is that the love is still there for someone who is so undeserving. I am really having a hard time with this. But and giving it all that I can to move on. I am sad about the outcome, hell, even devastated, but I know I deserve more. I do want to thank everyone who supported me and offered me a kind word. Or if you let me cry on your shoulder. I know I will be ok. I am writing this because it is a part of my healing process. I will bare the scarlet letter. Maybe it was my karma, and I didn't even take the time to relish in him actually getting his karma. Just know that you made a poor choice. You really devastated me. The devastation you feel is exactly how I have been feeling for two months now. That loss, that emptiness, that rejection, the uncertainty, distrust, I don't know when that will cease. I hate that I miss the friendship, that's the hardest part, routines are broken. Friends don't do that to friends. Boyfriends don't do that to girlfriends, unless there was bad blood. Did your really think you were going to do better? You had someone in your life who adored you, and you threw that out like yesterdays paper after one year. That's some balls. I don't hate you, I hate what you did, and how you did it.

It is my distinct recommendation that you never do this to anyone else. Hearts are precious, delicate. Treat people with the love dignity, and respect that you want to be treated with. Don't get greedy, maybe the best thing for you was what you already had. It was tried, tested, and true. Greed is a horrible thing. One apology or ten does not compare to telling someone they were good enough for you. Or that there is something better out there. For goodness sakes tell the truth. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. It's lies and deciet that I disrespect most. Forgive yourself, and you will earn the forgiveness of others. It's never too late to make everything right, within yourself, with God, with others.

When it hits me again, I'll blog again, thanks for reading, and indulging me. True love is out there somewhere. I haven't given up on the possibility.