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The town of
Tralee is awash with pretty hairdos and lovely frocks for the fiftieth year of
The Rose of Tralee; the blandest television event since the days of Mart and
Market! Why not fall asleep as Ray D’Arcy attempts to extract an iota of craic
out of these glorified typists from around the world? Listen to the girls tell
you ‘what they like’, ‘how lovely things are’ and ‘what they do to help the
under-privileged’. And despite embarrassing themselves with their ‘turns’;
murdering well-known tunes, butchering some poetry or shredding a harp; one
thing that you can be sure of is that they are all in fact ‘lovely girls’.
Unlike poor Caster Semenya, the South African runner
who took gold last week in the world championships. There’s no doubt she’s a
lovely runner, but some serious doubt as to whether she’s a lovely girl.....
She
wouldn’t have got a sniff near the Rose of Tralee festival with those levels of
testosterone floating around her ‘alleged’ ball sack. But how did the judges
not get a clue from ‘her’ name; for God’s sake it has ‘Semen’ in it! But I
suppose mistakes can be made and now they have to go and spend a fortune on
chromosome testing and DNA nonsense. I think in future, to avoid these kinds of
mistakes, all sporting events should use the Podge and Rodge patented “How do
you know if it’s a woman” test. It’s simple, cost effective and infallible. And
here’s how it works:....
Test
1- Parallel Parking: If it can’t park snug to the kerb on the first attempt,
then it’s a woman.....
Test
2- Map Reading: It’s a well known fact that woman are shite at directions.
Simply start at A and tell them to go to B and if they can’t manage to get
there; it’s a woman.....
Test
3- Assemble Furniture: Yes, they can go in and buy half of IKEA, but can they
assemble a wardrobe? If not, it’s definitely a woman.....
Podge....
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Here’s a
joke for ya. What did Caster Semenya win the race by? Answer: A length! I heard
someone telling that in the Stickit Inn last night. Thought you’d like that
one. ....
But to be
honest with you, I’m not in the mood for jokes as there’s some big news that’s
been bothering me this week. It’s not that Tubridy is only a mere eight days
away from ruining my Friday nights, it’s not the Wacko Jacko and his Dr
Feelgood story, it’s not the economy’s continuing slide into recession. No,
it’s bigger than all that put together; it’s Burger Wars! ....
I mean what
the hell is going on? First there was the shock of Walsh’s saying that they
weren’t going to make the spice burger anymore, then me and thousands of others
campaigning to get the burger back into our chippers, and breathing a sigh of
relief when they came back on the menu in July. So imagine my horror when I
hear that the battle of the burger has taken a cruel twist and ended up in the
High Court. ....
What the
hell is our government doing about this? Don’t they realise this is of National
Importance. Beside the humble spud, we only have two other indigenous foods;
one is Tayto crisps and the other is the Spice Burger created by Maurice Walsh
in his shop in the fifties. But now one of the Walshs has gone off on a solo
run, taking the secret recipe with him and making his own burgers! I mean what
happens if this Top Secret recipe gets out? We don’t want the North Koreans
flooding the world with counterfeit spice burgers! I call on our government to
get back off their holidays, and for Cowen and the rest of them to forget about
bailing out the banks and start bailing out the burgers!....
We
don’t care what’s in them
and we’re probably better off not knowing, but I just
want to make sure we can still buy them at 3am on a Sunday morning!....