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I hate to
admit it, but it was good to see Pat the plank back on the telly. After ten
years, the fella can relax in his skin without the fear of having to get up and
dance with Brigitte Nielsen, being confronted by a looper calling him an
‘arsehole’ and trying to make conversation with brain dead reality show bimbos.
Of course he’s as wooden as ever, but at least on a show dedicated to political
debate he can let a few splinters fly and get all ‘Paxman’ on these evasive
politicians. Meanwhile we’re busy ourselves getting ready for the grand opening
of the Stickit Inn on October 20th on RTE2. This week we’re sending
our very own Pub Spy to the far-flung watering holes of the country to get the
cut of our competition and play some Ballydung style pub games. In fact we’re
taking a leaf out of Patsy “The Bog Hotel” Brogan’s book (who has a foreign
bird pulling him, I mean pulling his pints), and hired our very own busty
Italian barmaid Gina Macari. So come October if you’re passing through
Ballydung be sure to visit our new pub The Stickit Inn, mind you, by then
Ballydung mightn’t even exist if they bring in these new postcode yokes they’re
talking about. Have the government nothing better to spend their money on than
changing poxy addresses? And besides it only causes trouble, I mean look at
Dublin; D4 and D6 became the post codes to have, with builders cramming as many
apartments into those poncey addresses as they could. And the same will happen
all over the country. People who used to be happy enough to share the address
of ‘Cork City’, will be up in arms that their estate is designated C5 as
apposed to C4. And if you’re reading this An Post, we’re putting dibs on the
post code 69; which when you think about it would be the perfect address for us
randy bachelors and the natural home for a pub called The Stickit Inn!....
Podge....
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Now that we
have a pub and we sold Ballydung manor and the hundred acres with it to the
North Koreans (Mr.Li said it would be a great spot for burying their nuclear
waste!) it’d be more appropriate for me to be celebrating Arthur’s Day than
heading to Kildare for the National Ploughing Championships. Only a year ago I
was competing in the Standard 3 Furrow Reversing competition, but now due to
the recession, I don’t even have a tractor and the only ploughing I’ll be doing
will be into pints from now on. But I decided to make the traditional bogger
pilgrimage anyhow, for old times sake.....
And what I
discovered was that it’s still a cracking three days whether you’re a farmer or
not. First off we had the sexiest President ever; Mary McAleese opening the
proceedings. As per usual there’s some great talks and presentations from the
ICA birds; from Stories and Poetry by Sabina Kennelly to Patchworking with
Ilene Bateson. There’s entertainment galore from musical geniuses like Barley
Wine, Hillbilly Porter and the mighty Shamrockers (For culchies that line up is
the musical equivalent of having U2, The Kings of Leo and Coolplay on the same
stage in one day!)....
Then
there’s beauty contests galore with The Most Appropriately Dressed Woman
competition to the Bovine Beauty Contest. If you’re into ladies or animals
there’s something for everyone. But my favourite event of the festival is going
to be ‘hurling dung’ at the visiting politicians. Two points for a TD, five
points for a Taoiseach. It’s not on the official programme of events, but
everyone’s talking about it, and I have a lovely fresh steaming pat from a
Belgian Blue bullock maturing nicely in my coat pocket with Brendan Smith’s
name on it.....