Have you ever wondered ...

• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
• I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
• I stepped on a tetanus needle today ... now what?

• If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
• If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing and not a seeing?
• If a fork were made of gold, would it still be considered silverware?
• If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
• If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the core of the earth?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
• If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• If a turtle loses his shell, is he naked or homeless?
• If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
• If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I’ll just have a big bunch of purples.
• If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
• If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
• If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?
• If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
• If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
• If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
• If heat rises, then shouldn’t Hell be cold?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?
• If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? More
• If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
• If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
• If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren’t people from Holland called "Holes"?
• If people weren’t meant to have midnight snacks, then why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

• If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
• If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? ... Congress!
• If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?
• If psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you’re ahead"?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
• If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, then how do you explain whales?

• If the 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still 2?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
• If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
• If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn’t the plural of "house" be "hice"?
• If the Pope and his clone are infallible, what if they disagree?
• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
• If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in one take so long?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
• If there was a bisexual pride parade, would it go both ways?
• If time heals all wounds, why does the belly button stay the same?
• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
• If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
• If two things in life are certain, Death and Taxes ... is the tax man mortal or immortal?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why is nothing in the store free yet?
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• If we quit voting, will they all go away?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you freeze to death and end up in hell, wouldn’t you be really comfortable, at some point along the way?
• If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?
• If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn’t it become squozen?
• If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
• If you spin an Oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
• If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

• In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
• In that song, she’ll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
• In the winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
• Is there life before coffee?
• Is your holier side your altar ego?
• Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Isn’t "dumb blonde" a peroxymoron?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
• Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

• Just exactly how many times has the Bible been translated?
• Just what did the cured ham actually have?
• On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people will try to stuff in that slot?
• Once you’re in heaven, are you stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
• Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
• Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• Sooner or later, doesn’t everyone stop smoking?
• The light went out, but where to?