It's been awhile since I wrote one of these. But it's long over due. My life right now is so intense that all I want to do sometimes is scream! My Grandma died almost a month ago. And even though I don't show it all the time, it is absolutely killing me on the inside. I can't believe that she is gone. She was my grandma and I was her baby. When something happens, I still want to pick up the phone and just call her. Because no matter what she always had my back, whether I was in the wrong or right, she always loved me. I still feel her love around me everyday. Even though when she was here I didn't talk to her as much as I should have. The love was always there. She knew it and so did I. So many memories that bring tears to my eyes. I have said so many times that I am thankful that I did get to do one thing to make her proud before she passed. And that's my son. He was her little man. All the love that she had was put into him. So in a sense I will always have that piece of her in him. She was beautiful and I miss her terribly. This was the start of my life spinning out of control, I "thought" I had a pretty decent grip on life. But now it's just going down the drain. I know that I'm the one that is going to have to turn it around for the better. It's just so hard because I've had to do it so many times. As most of you know my Ex is a major factor in my insanity. My family is finally starting to see the true him, of which I've known for the past two months. Yes we both have our issues. But my family should not have to deal with his. They have to love me no matter what...lol...He has been living at my house for awhile and my parents never once have heard a thank you I don't think. He's been there so long that it's kinda like he just expects things to be done for him. I may not always say thank you at the particular time that something is done for me. But I do eventually make it known that I am thankful for all that my parents do for me. I know I'm a Hard person, I'm too defensive, and I always think I'm right. It's just who I am. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. But no matter what I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world. Even though we are so dysfunctional. That's what makes us who we are. Dusty is starting to come between me and people that I've known for almost a year and grown to love as if they were family. Granted I did start conflict between us, but like I said FAMILY. Due to all this unessecary stress, my job is suffering. I know it's not that hard. I'm not complaining about that at all. It's just my boss is a good friend of mine. We don't mix our personal life with work but when things happen I'm usually at work and I get in a bad mood. I don't want that to happen. Because I respect Liza so much. She is a true role model. A little crazy for holding down the fort with her own weight. But that's what makes her who she is. I'm having a little trouble with true friends. It seems that I'm friends with everyone but they all hate eachother. Let me tell ya that's a hard one to do. I still miss Melissa terribly. She was my partner in crime. The one that would sit next to me in jail saying Damn that sucked. She's moved on and technically so have I. But I just miss her sometimes. Don't even get me started on the boys in my life. They are something else. I refuse to have a relationship with anyone younger than me. Then I find a really cool guy that I can hang out with and talk to and feel comfortable around. And what do you know...I screwed that one up. Because I listened to gossip. He was younger than me, but he is awesome. I never felt obligated to do anything with him. And that is a major qualifying factor. But in the end, I'm left alone. And it's my fault. I don't settle very easily. It's a great quality but also a tremendous downfall. Because sadly I will probably never achieve true happiness. That's what I'm looking for. But like I said, I'm a difficult person to please. I'm done ranting now, I feel better though. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Just don't trash me on the internet.