Abstract thoughts form cracks in my perception - it's a rough road i travel, though i chose it free-willed.
Sabotage isnt an act of loving  yourself.
It's more just a beating down until you dont think you could possibly feel any worse.
But you could alwyays possibly feel worse.
Then the urge to rund way takes over. Abstraction clouds rationality. Running away. I've done it so much, while dragging with me a lifetime of immobilizing pain and heartbreaking memories.
There is no running away. There are no new beginnings any more.
Sadness is behind the eyes of the entire world. They're hell-bent on surviving most pleasantly even at the cost of those who love them. Ath the cost of my love for them, At the loss of my empathy, and shattering my strength.
Darkening my world and dissolving my illusions and defenses untili am naked in a mirror again and breaking apart at what i see.

I've had a hard life, you say. Yet you've been told such a small fraction of my life, and that was enough to watch you go. Your indifference is slowly killing me. My indifference is slowly shutting out my lights; making it impossible to see the beginning of the way out.
this situation is falling apart. Rejection is my least welcome next to indifference, and i feel it everywhere.

Maybe it's time to just leave everything. hope for the best. become a waif. drown.

"Damn this situation, and the games i have to play
with all the things caught in my mind.
Damn my education, cant find the words to say
all the things caught in my mind"
                                 -oasis