I'm going to complain.

I've lived my whole life with this .... disability, this FUCKING ANNOYING and EXPENSIVE secret, something i only tell people when i have to.

It's something i should have had taken care of as a child, but my parents arent the wisest or most considerate people in the world, and now i'm stuck.

i cant work until i buy my supplies. i cant buy my supplies until i work. the free ones i'm getting from the goddamn complany that makes them - because about a year ago i called and freaked out about the fact that they have gone from $20 when i turned 18 for each part (there are 2 parts) to $150 each, less than ten years later, and worse - they stay on for less of an amount of time.

well, they dont come for 2 weeks. and i cant do a goddamn thing until i get them. i'm stuck, at home and miserable. sure, i can call the hospital, talk to the wound ostomy nurse, give her a sob story and get a few to get me through until they come, but goddamit i'm sick of this. i just want to march into any hospital and refuse to leave until i can walk out of there and spend the rest of my life in unattached peace.

do you have any fucking idea what it's like to be like this? bound to some expensive and necessary part of yourself that you have absolutely no control over, and can never just ignore? Something that has as much control over you as being dressed, or being fed, or even breathing somethimes?

adn i dont like to tell people about it, so whenever something happens that makes it obvious that theres something weird about me, i never know what to do, and just try to sweep it under the proverbial rug. hope they never see it, sense it, wonder about it or worse, talk about me without knowing what is actually going on...

i'm fed up. i want a new body. adn i'm too used to the way it is to really do anything about it, because i know how huge of a process it is to actually do something about it. I'll be in a fucking wheelchair for a while once i go through with it, and that's even more debilitating than this.

actually, thats bullshit. nothing is more debillitating than being bound to something that costs up to $300 every ten days.

i really could use a bowl right now. sigh.