i have split lives. thats what it is. i get these momentary or maybe soemtimes a few days of relaxation, good times, humorous people, then back to the family bullshit.

babies whining, 3 year olds that revert back to babies every time you tell them no. 24 year olds that would rather spend every moment off of work or not sleeping leaving other people - me - to take care of the kids, then as soon as the goddam whiny kids are in bed, she has to come out and whine that she's a bad mother adn that at the same time i'm not doing enouth to help her out even though i'm exhausted from being up all night with one or the other of the members of hte household that wakes up every time i fall asleep... then only to get up early 4 times a week to do something for the kids. sometimes lasting until 5 at night.

19 year olds that refuse to work, or do follow any good advice and would rather delve into the romantic and bullshit world of the heroin addicted, drug addicted never gonna happen if you keep this up illusion of being a musician without actaully ever trying to invest any real thing into it. just saying "i'm the best". wanting to see his kid so i work out where i watch her for 2 whole days to only have him show up at 8 in the morning to play with her for an hour and go to sleep as soon as she needs to be fed and changed. 2 days ben. you bitch all the time because you dont get to see her and you managed to spend an hour.wow.

only to listen to complaining about how i dont do enough. how i'm not being nice enough. how me reading a book for a few moments of silence in my own brain without other peoples complaints, discomforts and general discontent invading my peace of mind i've been straining for years to reach above the things i've gone through and continue to try to begin to deal with in my own personal live outside my family and even immediate friends.

many times involving my immediate friedns.

i'm in complete circuit overload. i'm to the point that i have to just get through and greet every day for what it is and leave the plans of the future for a time in the future t hat i can even begin to think about them without feeling like i'm being crushed with an equivelant of the earth crushing down on me in my and other people's problems that affect me on a deeper and more immediate level than my own. there are other people to think about and consider at all tiems, and most of hthe time i am aware that i am stronger and have more tolerance and patience to put myself aside on a daily basis to deal with other people.

and they dont just have little problems. no, no . it's "i;m going to end it all... end my pain soon" . it's move to antoher state, its' going to jail, it's breakups leading towords stalking, its threats, its blame, its too DAMN MUCH. it's barely living where i live, walking on eggshells, to only be told "thats a deal breaker" when family members show up unnanounced.. . not invited by me. UNANNOUNCED.

it's no sleep. no cigarettes. no food. no weed that calms the mania and gives me peace, appetite and peaceful sleep.

i'm going to michigan. nothing even remotely went as planned. plans dont exist. promises are always broken. i am always taken advantage of and then more than unappreciated. on top of it unliked half the time.

adn once again, i get to walk away from what would be a good life once i had time, medical appliances (in 2 days), and a steady job. a place with people i love. my two brothers, and their occasional kids. room for my neices and nephew(s) to visit and have room.

or quiet paradise with a guy i could spend the rest of my life enjoying.

or a half assed fake relationship with a guy im infatuated with based on personality, humor and familiarity alone.. and of course; similarity. leave that behind because it will leave me eventually anyway because it doesnt really exist beyond the barest of letting down of walls.

i'm not making too much sense, i know. i'm just fed up, stressed out, confused, wired, slightly stoned, tired, hungry, need cigarettes. annoyed above all.

L wrote a song about me. i heard some of hte words. i think he thinks i'm a little nuts. lol. of course i am silly. how could i not be? i deal with this shit alone, guys.