I'm sorry if you decided to read this. Because it's really long. I'm sorry. I really am, but I just have to get this out of my system. Actually, I'd like to ask you to just not read this. I have to post it because...I don't know. I just have to. But please, don't read it. If you do, please don't think of my any differently....

Well, I can't exactly say that I'm no longer depressed, though I'm certainly better off than I was last year. I-...I really don't know why. Well, it's hard for me to explain how I feel just typing it up like this, so I've decided that I'll use creative writing to describe it. I'll go back to something that happened one night earlier this year...in October, I believe. Either that, or the end of September. I can't really remember when.

Before you read this, I should warn you that I'm NOT insane. I don't hear voices or anything. I just personified the majority of my thoughts at that time to help express how I felt. Also, I DON'T think like this anymore. I haven't had any thoughts like this since this last event...I hope it was the last time...

I curled up tightly into a ball, sitting against the door that led to the family room. I hugged my knees tighter to my chest as turmoil erupted within my chest, making my heart ache and my eyes overflow with salty tears.

"Filthy, egoistic, helpless fool!" my thoughts screamed at me, a mocking tone coloring the despondent voice inside my head. "How could you actually believe that you have friends here? Or any at all? YOU ARE ALONE. Your old friends haven't even bothered to return your calls...your new ones can't be bothered to ask you to hang around...people you don't even know saying that you SCARE THEM! And that youth group you attend so faithfully every Sunday - HA! WHAT A JOKE! You know that they only tolerate you...no one there truly likes you..."

I cowered against the door, shaking. What was left of my makeup was streaming down my cheeks and dripping onto my shirt like black raindrops; I couldn't help but listen...after all, it was the truth...

"FAT, ugly, FAKE!" the voice dripped with venom as it hurled insults at me. "Your own mother calls you fat! Your father doesn't think you'll amount to anything!! 'Rat,' he called you! 'Liar'! 'Idiot'! What more proof do you need to know that you're NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. If your own family thinks those things of you, just imagine what OTHERS think...."

It came from my own mind, yes, but the thoughts seemed to come from the devil's own tongue, not my own. After I realized this, I got hit by the worst of the words...

"You've never had a real boyfriend," it whispered. "You know why? Because you're so picky! You sit around waiting for the perfect guy to come along. Sure, you have a couple guys who have liked you and asked you out, but you said NO. Is it REALLY because you don't care for them like that? Or is it because you know you don't deserve any kind of love whatsoever! And that guy you like - he thinks that you're a stalker! You know that you could never do anything like that, or would even be able to, but how come HE believes it? HM? You know that you're nothing more than a fat freak who only WANTS to be pretty! Your freckles - BAH. They're so horrifying! Makes you want to just scrub them off, doesn't it?"

Subconsciously, I had begun rubbing at my cheeks. I've always hated these cursed freckles. I've always wanted to be pale, slender, and beautiful. But I could never be like that. Not with the freckles...the...the...

"What about that skin problem of yours?" it asked, jabbing at one of the many sore spots. "You haven't had much success getting it under control, now have you? Just wait until winter comes, when your skin will be even UGLIER! What will you do then? Oh, and what happens if your epilepsy problem returns, hm? What will the kids up at school think of you then??"

I was unbelievably low. Hope and love seemed like nothing but a distant, untouchable light. Already, my thoughts were being dragged towards the knives in the kitchen, so close....

"Go ahead," the voice urged. "Go ahead and stab yourself, slit your wrists. Who would care? You're nothing but one single, sorry excuse of a human being surrounded by millions of better, smarter, PRETTIER people. No one would come to your funeral. Would there even be a funeral?"

Then I began believing all my thoughts, though it was true common sense that kept me curled against the door. Pain swallowed my soul, tearing at my chest. This was nothing more than the usual, though. I was used to it. All I needed to do was wait for a few minutes, and it would fade...it would...or I could end it now....

No.

I couldn't.

What would Mel think? What about the future that God has planned for me?

The voice had a reply to that.

"Mel? Your supposed 'best friend'? She only calls you because she feels like she has to, and because she doesn't known anyone there in Georgia to talk to!! And what future? You have no true talent! You might be able to sing - A LITTLE - but you're nothing compared to the others in Chamber Choir! Who do you think you are, anyway? Signing up for Chamber Choir when you don't have enough talent to be in vocal music!"

The voice went silent as I heard my mom call my name from her room. "Katja, are those dishes done yet?!" she yelled. I could hear her open the door. Quickly, I wiped my face clean and ran to the kitchen sink as I heard her footsteps enter the kitchen...

I have to be completely honest here.

If I hadn't been attending a church that I enjoyed attending, I probably would have committed suicide right then and there. It's really scary when I think about it. Thing is, it was just a random wave a depression that crashed down on me that one time. I mean, it was kind of as if I was finally letting out everything...well, nearly everything.

I'm terribly sorry if you actually read this....It's most likely that you didn't, but if you did...thanks. Thank you for letting me finally get that out. Now I can really move on. I still hold many secrets - who doesn't? - many things that I wish never to speak of, but for now, I'm alright with that.

I guess that I also needed to remind myself of why I support "To Write Love On Her Arms" and why I try to never miss a church event.

Again, I'm really sorry about all this. I just...really needed to let that out. I'm sorry. I'll try to make things shorter when I write, whether it's a bulletin or blog entry. ;)

I hope that I didn't make you think any differently of me...

If it helps, I'll write a little of what I've been doing lately.

Sure, I've been a little stressed ('little' meaning being so stressed that I gave myself a cold), but things will work out. They will. One way or another, I'll live the life that I was meant to. I've been getting more serious about my guitar lately, and I've been trying hard at Chorus and all my class except for Biology. No matter what I do, I just can't bring myself to actually work in Biology. I feel retarded - I should know all of this! But my brain doesn't want to retain any scientific information whatsoever. It's kind of annoying after a while lol.

OH, and I'm SOOO excited about the trip to NYC on December 1st with my youth group....last year, it was really fun. We ate at mars 21/12 and went to all kinds of amazing places! This year, we're eating at the Jeckle and Hyde restaurant. I have the feeling that it will be even better than last year ;)

Even more importantly, I can't stop thinking about Winterfest. Last year was so amazing...so inspirational...so FUN! I'm super excited about it because there'll be a different band playing (last year's band was good, by the way) and we're going to be riding a bigger, better bus on the way to and from =]

Silly things to be excited about, perhaps, but nonetheless, I am. I'm also excited that I made it in All-Shore Chorus. I can't believe that I actually made it...I swear that God must have made some kind of miracle for me to get in.

Anyway, I should really end this entry...it's already terribly long...

Sorry for taking up all your time, but thank you for taking the time to read it if you did =]

Love,
Katja