Now that my favorite holiday is here, we can look back to the year that sucked and figure out why we did such a shitty job (or great job depending on how you did, but I am going to simply assume, you like me, did a shitty job of not sucking) at not sucking.

1. This was an election year so you either, voted for the winner, voted for one of the losers, or didn't vote at all. I have problems with with winner. I think he is one promise away from declaring longer recess and no more green beans at lunch, but voting for him did not make you suck, not voting at all made you suck. You didn't vote because you were racist, you are lazy, or you are dumb. If you are racist, fuck you. Dislike the guy for a reason, I have many that I am ready to share. If you are lazy, remember people all around the world die for the rights we have, don't be a giant douche bag. If you are dumb, I have nothing but pity for you, but seriously read a book, read the newspaper, read something. Wait, if you are dumb, you are not reading this, never mind dear reader.

2. You didn't live up to last years resolution. That is OK, you won't this year either, just quit making them.

3. You were shitty to people. Honestly you don't suck for this unless you are a dick head or a giant bitch face. If you are shitty to people who deserve it (the dick head or the bitch face for example)good job. If you are the dick head or the bitch face, fuck you. You may be asking "Flutie, how can I know if I am the Dick head or the Bitch face?" Well here are some clues.

   1. If you have children or step children and you are not nice to them, you are a Dick head or a bitch face. There are two solutions, pay attention and be nice, or go the fuck away. There is no middle ground here.

   2. If you are petty. Now if you are Tom Petty that is different, I don't know enough about you to know if you are petty, but seriously, Tom if you reading this, I really like your stuff. If you are simple, and petty and jealous, you are a dick head or a Bitch Face. If you deliberately did something you knew would hurt someone else, if you put more energy into bugging someone than it takes to ignore that person, you are a Dickhead or a Bitch Face. The solution, punch your self in the face twenty times. If you are still feeling small and petty, repeat until you are asleep.

   3. Your friends think you are a nice person, but you secretly hate them. This makes you a giant Bitch face or Dick head because instead of not having many friends you pretend to be something you are not so people like you. You hate the people you are around, but you would rather be liked by them, than like them yourself (or like yourself for that matter). You are a fucking piece of shit if you do this. Be honest and have fewer, and better friends.

I am sure the rest of you (Us) sucked for other reasons. Just like any other addict, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Hi everyone, I'm Flutie, I suck …

Hi Flutie.

Now you try.