I’m slowly beginning to come out of my funk…a good thing. It was getting tedious.

This has been such an emotional year for me. It started out with my divorce mid-process, but still months from being over. Everything was in limbo….”get out of the house”…”keep the house”…”get out of the house….” That went on daily for 9 months, so I was seriously ready to know what was going on and move on with my life.

Within days of things being finalized I was out picking up every kind of flower and plant I could find. The idea of having friends over during the summer…essentially fixing everything that was broken and bringing beauty back into our lives was central to my mindset. Helping my kids adjust and just kind of going with a positive vibe…that was my new life…to be.

A month or so later, the guy stalking me added me to Facebook. The moment I saw Albuquerque in the background of his photos…boom…plans to hang out in my backyard vanished.  I tried to put it out of my mind, but it didn’t last long, because I’d see him driving toward my neighborhood, etc. The whole thing is still pretty stressful. Around the same time, verbal agreements about my house were being retracted and once again it was in jeopardy all over again.

The motivation to do anything with it was nil. Why continue fixing things when it’s gone in a couple months? I think, I was feeling the brunt of some very naïve decisions. When it all hit me, I was shocked…angry…bitter…angry….shocked….um ya….definitely a rollercoaster of crap.

To top it all off….I came across this person…rt. I think most of us have dreams of a soul mate or just someone really special…who gets you…you get him or her….you can work together….and it’s an amazing connection….or just whatever is ideal to you.  I thought I had found that…maybe…I couldn’t be sure at that point. It was more of a sense about things. I was struggling with both the implausibility and idea that magical events happen out of the blue. I lacked the patience to slow down….trust…wait. I’m not good with waiting and it felt like I had already spent my life waiting.

These were all downer things….everything else was like shitty icing on a shittier cake.  As I started to think about it, I realized that nearly everything I did….I regretted it in some way. Regretting didn’t change it, nor would it…it’s hard being really pissed off at yourself. I hate that feeling….like some jerk-off critical adult pointing out everything you did to screw things up. Only this time, that voice was my own…being that way with myself. I had let a lot of self doubt in.

I don’t know….if you can undo something….undo it if it seems right…if you can fix something…fix it. I’ve decided to dispense with introspection for the moment…tonight anyway….and just what I want to do…what I need to do and let everything else work itself out.