Being a human person is not always easy. Sometimes, we are confronted with things that make us uncomfortable (like badly-designed chairs or watching your parents have sex) and perhaps something that dogs us from an early age is the need or want to fit in. To be accepted into a specific social grouping. Recently, Cape Town's Indie scene had its skinny jeans pulled down and its underpants quite firmly hoiked upwards by cevron, an anonymous critic. Cevron has since given up their one-person-crusade because of too much drama.

For an interesting read and an example of Internet fighting – the comments section of cevron's final blog - click here. Again, we are shown not only how lame Internet fighting really is, but how someone attacking your scene, your social-grouping, the very tags that you assign to your life can be so upsetting. I still subscribe to what my mom told me all those years ago: If you don't have something nice to say, then rather don't say anything at all. That's why I try to aim my word-gun at sweeping generalisations, rather than individual people. It's not fun if someone's upset. So, please, let's hold hands and have a little look at how we can all fit in more in the modern era.

Some people might say things like: be yourself. This is a lie perpetuated by capitalism. No one really wants you to be yourself for any other reason than the more individual you are, the more crap you need to buy in order to prove your individuality, isn't that so, comrade? Now please, pass the vodka – these Russian winters cut through to my bones and the Okhrana constantly breathing down my neck makes me nervous.

Fitting in is dependent on where exactly you plan to insert yourself. If you are the pencil-thin, black-painted penis of gothdom, inserting yourself into the hairy, rubbed-raw vagina of the outdoor enthusiast you are going to have a few problems. See, as humans, in order to be 'interesting' we have to try and assign ourselves a defining characteristic or characteristics. I play the role of the slightly touched writer quite well and have amassed quite a collection of elbow-padded tweed-jackets, antique pipes and aloof attitudes. My collection of disdain is something I plan on expanding in the very near future, if only people weren't so damn stupid and getting in my way.

Obviously, the more niched your social grouping or personality the more interesting you'll be. On the other hand, you could aim to join and become accepted into a larger group (see: jocks / B.Com students / art-fags / those quirky class-clown people who come from broken homes). That's a little boring for me to explain though and on a scale of one to exciting, is sitting somewhere around the porridge mark (sans syrup, cinnamon or peanut butter). Rather, I'll give you some tips on how to fit in with smaller, more ridiculous social groups.

People with chronic illnesses, who struggle on valiantly
Here's a great differentiating factor for yourself – a chronic illness. Think something sexy and edgy, but not too disgusting. Having leprosy is perhaps going a little too far, not to mention messy. Think epilepsy, or an interesting allergy (like latex). You can announce to the world that you have this problem, and then milk sympathy from the teat of human kindness with your hungry teeth. (Where do you think the milk of human kindness comes from in the first place?) Just imagine the joy of joining a support group, so you can bitch yourself into ecstasy four times a month. It's almost orgasmic.

People who write letters to newspapers
Bored? Retired? Wanting to fight the power, but feeling a little toothless? There's nothing like a snooty little letter fired off from belligerent fingers. Neighbours taking a little longer than expected to clear their building rubble or dogs barking too much? You know what to do, Sir or Ma'am - write to the paper. Writing to the paper is not only exciting because you get to see your name in print (without being paid a cent), but also because you can force your viewpoints onto the rest of the world. No longer will you be sitting at home, brewing in indignation because you saw an advert for condoms in (Shock! Shock! Horror! Horror!) a family newspaper, now you can spread your feelings all over anyone who can read, like warm, salty piss.

People with 'religious views'
Oh, it doesn't matter what religion you choose. Any old one will do. It is suggested that your choice  is informed by whichever religion makes you feel the most self-important, or allows you to look down on anyone who doesn't belong to yours. Many people who seem to have 'religious views' appear to have gone through some sort of trauma – resulting in their needing an external crutch to cope with their lives, rather than relying on their inner rationality or personal fortitude, so that is one way to enter into this group. On the other hand, religion can be seen as an accident of birth, so if you lack reasoning faculties or original thought and were born into a family that raised you in a particular religion, why not just carry on the tradition? Don't forget that almost any religion you choose will place impossible moral obligations upon you, in order that you get to some sort of Nirvana. That's correct, live as miserable a life as possible here, so you can achieve paradise and scoff at all the people burning in hell. Not that there's any proof of that happening.

Yes, it's a gamble, and you could be entirely wrong about which religion out of the thousands and thousands upon on this earth was the right one to choose (most of them are quite exclusive of any outside groups and presume that them, and only them, are on the path to salvation). You might be really upset if those eighty people in Papua New Guinea who were worshipping a rancid coconut were the true chosen ones, but that's part of the deal.

Happy religioning!

Unfortunately, the sun is setting on this piece, and I don't want it to go on any longer than it should, lest I fall into the group of aloof-writers who hold your attention for just too long. That would be terrible.

Ta-ta, and all,
Paul White