Jambo! Let me just put down this ancient Chinese burial mask I collected at masturbation camp in Tibet next to my mp5 player (yeah, it's not available to the General Public yet). And while I'm here I may as well take off this wig made from the dreams of Barack Obama and sit down on this chair that was hewn from a single rock of Lance Armstrong's self-belief.

You see... Actually wait, sorry, let me just put down this ivory pipe I found while trekking through the jungles of Tanganyika in search of Patung, the golden eagle. Oh, of course I smoke hemlock, don't you? Got a bit of a bite, but its really quite scrumptious once you get into it.

There are only so many ways that you can be featured on Internet-Webby-Sites that take pictures of cool kids hanging around and then post them online like they mean something. And one of those ways is to be interesting. Of course, we here at HEADLINE payoff aren't totally shallow and solely concerned with looks, we care about your insides too.
(On that note, please, eat fibre – for your health).
So not only will I be sharing with you how to be more interesting on the outside, I'll share with you how to be interesting on the inside. It was a skill I picked up when I hitch-hiked all the way to the foot of Uluru with just a watch-strap, two pieces of cheese, 48000 Dollars and an expert guide. It was just something I had to do, you understand? To find myself.

I'll just put these Wayfarers worn by James Dean himself when he wrapped himself around a tree, down and get to point number one, that would be prudent.

Uno
Is not only something you have to shout while playing a certain branded card game. It is also our first point. Find an object, or a story, that you could use to let other people know how mind-bendingly interesting you are. Do you think I got that Obama wig for fun? No Sir (or Ma'am), I got it because I knew that it would be a Talking Point. That chair made from Lance Armstrong's self-belief? I hate the thing. It's ugly and about as comfortable as sitting on a leathery (unbalanced) ball-bag.

See, kids, it pays to have a little anecdote to drop out of your pocket like a silk handkerchief woven from the strands of Madonna's kindness. You wonder why the handkerchief is so light – have you seen how kind Madonna actually is?

Zimbini
Have a great personality. It doesn't have to be real, don't worry. Personalities can be faked easily enough with bright colours, acting as if you are interested in what the person you are speaking to is interested in and dancing around like a frozen jellyfish. To dance around like a frozen jellyfish, imagine what it is like to be totally boneless and then, act as if all your limbs have then become frozen. This dichotomy between flaccidity and rigidity should make you more interesting than an episode of Top Gear with hardcore sex in it. (Another way to feign personality is to just discuss the latest episode of Top Gear, or who The Stig REALLY is – some say he made cheese from mixing the milk from both Russell Brand's and Russell Crowe's nipples and others say that he made out with Jeremy Clarkson and actually managed to get his tongue past those yellowing, snaggled gravestones that pass for teeth, but all I know is that I don't give a flying Belinda who some guy who can drive fast is – but really, Top Gear. What a conversation starter.)

San
You may have espied some particularly frilly and ostentatious words littered throughout my prose like little lustrous jewels nonpareil. Yes, by Yahweh's fine whiskers! Give your tongue a top-hat and a cane and teach it to twiddle around like a prawn on a fish-hook. If you can't impress people with your lexical prowess then you may as well exsanguinate yourself until you expire.

Vier
Dress funny. It'll make you look like an individual. Trust yourself on this one. I won't give you tips, other than the tip of my boot that my great-great-great-grandfather wore in the Austro-Hungarian Sex-With-Icecream-Wars.

Cinq
Use foreign words. You might notice, if you are one of those people who has eyes, mental imaging faculties, the ability to read and cognate visual signifiers with their signified forms and the understanding of foreign languages that I have not used English numbering for any of these points. That was just something I did to make this more interesting. You can borrow that, if you like. Feel free to write long sentences that might or might not make sense too.

Prämie
That's German for Premium, just in case you didn't know. As this is a little bonus or “тантьема” in Russian, I thought I'd share just one more way to make yourself seem more interesting. And that, friends, is to tell jokes. You may remember some knock-knock jokes I shared with you a few months ago and I thought I'd pull some more out of my knock-knock bag. The one I won in a bet with Sweden about who could pickle the best chocolate.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The financial crisis.
The financial crisis who?
Give me all your stuff, I'm repossessing your ass.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Peter Smith.
Peter Smith who?
Your neighbour.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
Euripides jeans, Eumendides jeans.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A termite.
A termite who?
A termite who just ate your damn door up.

Yours waving theatrically from atop a pink pachyderm,
Paeioul Whaeioute