For those of you who don't watch cartoons, or like cartoons but have stayed away from Cartoon Network ever since it started up back in October 1992 (my how the years have gone by...), then you might not have heard of FusionFall.  It's a brand new "free" MMORPG, chock full of your favorite CN characters, ranging from Dexter's Lab to Powerpuff Girls to Ben 10, even Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, which has held a special place in my heart since day one.

You're thrust into this world, just a random cartoony kid, where you get to pick out your clothing for your trip into the future.  It's a nice selection, though I have seen other "free" MMORPGs with a bigger selection.  On the upside, you can find plenty of other clothing and accessories easily within the first hour or two of gameplay within the actual FusionFall worlds.  After creating your character, Dexter of Dexter's Lab fame plops you into his time machine to fight off some mutant menace from another world at some point in the future.  But, as a few Dexter fans may know, DeeDee always manages to screw something up in his experiments.  "What does this button do?"  Oh, not much...  Just sends you a few years too far ahead, where things are MUCH worse than they should have gone.  Alien monsters and machines are everywhere, and there are plenty of areas where you can't even walk without getting poisoned.

Those areas are a crucial point of gameplay, however.  Not too many MMO's that I've seen have had anywhere near the idea of having a platformer in the middle of their quests, and that's something I actually really enjoyed messing around with.  The puzzles are quick, and go more like moving mazes, with moving and floating platforms leading you to the goal.  They're even working on a way to make these into mini-races, so players can compete on a leader board for best times.  Neat.

The first mission was to go around killing the Level 1 mean little green blobs.  Point, click a few times, or just hold down the button, and you're done.  Healing is a lot faster in this game as opposed to a few others I've played, so dying is VERY difficult to do in most places.  It goes by very quickly, and then you're asked to go into the platforming level in order to get to a boss fight within some cavern cave dungeon thing...  basically what any other RPG, either single or multi-online player would do.  The bosses are green, red-eyed versions of big Cartoon Network stars (the tutorial fight is Buttercup from Powerpuff Girls), bent on your destruction.

Wait, did I say "boss fight"?  I meant to say, another green blob.  Seriously, these "boss fights" are in NO way challenging.  You might get down to 15% health and start freaking out looking for your potions, but then you realize that the guy's taking his last breath.  And VOILA.  A little bugger called a Nano appears.  It's a baby-fied version (you may call it chibi or super-deformed) of the "boss" you just took out.  Funny, the Buttercup Nano has been the only one that actually kept the proportions of the original character, with the big head and little body...  Anyways, you get to choose from one of three different powers your Nano can use (stunning an enemy, getting extra money, getting a speed boost, etc), and then apparently they hitch a ride in your pocket so you can yank them out to make them do your bidding.

Nifty.  I go onto the next level.  And the first thing that bugs me...  Every MMO I have ever played has a fight-to-level experience gauge.  Not this one.  You just level up each time you fight a boss.  So I ended up spending 2 hours fighting random crap for the hell of it for NOTHING.  Yes, it speeds things up for the kiddies out there, but jeebus...  warn me next time.

So the next level brings me to Numbah 2 of Kids Next Door.  "Hey, go find me some 2x4s, oh chosen one."  So, I do.  "Now go fight that green skinned, red-eyed version of me in that dungeon over there."  Done.  "Here's a Numbah 2 Nano!"  I level up.

The next level brings me to Eddy (of Ed, Edd, and Eddy) and Eduardo (of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends).  Ed tells me to gather up some random stuff to make glue to repair the time machine.  Done.  Eduardo has to chew the bubblegum to put into the glue mix...  why I can't just do this myself and freshen my breath at the same time is beyond me.  Now I fight a green skinned red eyed version of Eddie, and get that Nano.

Alas, now Eduardo can't find his potatos.  So I find them, and bring them back to my purple amigo.  Then I'm informed of a green haired, red eyed version of him...

Wait a second.

They're reminding me that I can't hold any more Nanos at a time than 3, but that I can hold more at one time with the subscription... and that I can't use the time machine that I'm rebuilding until I pay the subscription.

WHAT.

I've just played the same four missions in a row.  And you expect me to pay to play it 50+ times over?  Oh, I forgot, I get two unique(ly hideous) outfits with my first payment!

=_=;;;  Nope, don't think so, Ted Turner.  Yes, I LOVE CN.  With all my heart.  I loved seeing Eduardo needing my help.  I would find potatos for him any day.  But NO.  Just no.  To a kid less than 13 years old, yes, they will BEG their parents to pay the 5 bucks a month for them.

Cartoon Network, I thought you'd brought me something that would rival World of Warcrack.  Something that would actually be worth my 5 dollars a month.  Something that my husband might even want to grab onto, knowing that he's been attached to the channel for quite some time.

Call me when you make one for Adult Swim.