I was raised in Utah

by a coupla gentle jews

who insisted I ride horseback

while I watched the evening news.

They sent me off to boarding school,

but I couldn't make the rent

and wound up pouring coffee

from a beat-up army tent.

There I was discovered

by a queen who smoked cigars

who chained me like a monkey

and showed me off at the gay bars.

Then I found religion

and started bowing down

to the flowers in the window boxes

in pubs all over town.

The police don't like behaviour

that they don't understand,

so they grabbed me by my scruffy neck

and made me join a band.

Now I never asked my bandmate 

'Please, sir, can I have more',

so they tied me up with guitar strings

and kicked me out the door.

When I finally came to,

I had a terrible itch

That I'm trying to cure right now

by eating porridge in Shoreditch.