I turned to Connor. 

"One day we'll be that good (at drinking)."

Soon the bartender was giving me free drinks as we talked about getting older, but still doing what you wanted to do with your life, even though you might not be incredibly successful.

One thing I was incredibly successful at was not taking a shit the entire train ride to NYC.  As I walked 15 blocks from the bar back to Jay's apartment, my run was over.  I had to piss and shit so bad my bladder and small intestine were pressed up against each other in my pelvis (do boys have pelvises?  If they don't, you still know which part of the body I'm talking about).

I made it to Jay and Kate's and evacuated the food particles that did not apply to my body.

I walked in the kitchen and Jay walked in the front door.

We went out on his porch and had a beer.  The sun came up.

I woke up the next day wearing all my clothes on the air mattress Kate had set up for me.  Me and Jay went and had some Mexican food.

I went and got my haircut.  I got my haircut at.......shit, I can't remember the name of it.  I just know where it is.  It's on 11^th street between 5^th and 6^th ave.  Anyway I got my haircut there by an old guy in December '04.  I kept telling him not to cut it too short and he kept telling me, "You ain't never had your hair cut so good."

It looked bad for about 2 weeks, but once it grew in, Holy Shit!  It made me in love with myself.  Meanwhile, in May of '08,  my hair looked so bad, that I had been wearing a hat for the past week, and it somehow still looked ridiculous.

So I walked into the shop and the old guy was there.  A kid, about 20, offers to cut my hair.  I hate walking in and asking for a specific barber.  In a salon or whatever you call it, like Supercuts or Floyd's or Rudy's, I don't mind holding out for someone.  But Barber shops are so small, I can always tell they take it personal when you don't pick them (For more on this premise, checkout Jerry Seinfeld's little known NBC sitcom, called "Seinfeld," Season 5, Episode 8.  Ignore the dated references to Edward Scissorhands.  Try to figure out the other reference.  I think it's some sort of opera).

So I sat down in the chair.  Latest improvement to the shop:  A TV set.  Even better, they had it set to Fuel, and they were showing skateboarding.  I get to watch skateboarding while I get my haircut?  Perfect.  I'd watch no matter what.  I hate looking at myself while I get my haircut.  So much so that one chick at Rudy's in Los Feliz called me out.

"You hate getting your haircut, huh?"

"Yeah."

Thanks for making me even more comfortable.

But anyway, I'd settle for Days of Our Lives with the sound off just for the diversion, but skateboarding!?!?!?!?  I didn't even have to use my AK.

The kid just takes the clippers to my head and cuts everything in like 5 seconds.  I was like, "Oh this should look great.  Dude just spent an entire commercial spot cutting my hair.  How do you guys operate without appointments?"

Then the kid takes out the scissors and shapes it up to one of the best haircuts I've had in my life.  A little short, but I at least felt good enough to walk home without my hat.

I left for the show early.  I was nervous.  I always get nervous when I play a new place, even though I recorded one of the best sets of my life there for Live at Gotham.  It feels like it never even happened.  I don't remember the actual performance.  Shit went by quick and it was the only time I've ever performed there.

F Train, baby.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I loved that I was taking the subway to work.  I felt like either one of my Grandfathers.  They used to work in the City.  For a week I was.  My mother used to work in NYC too.  But it's weird to feel like your mother.  Just doesn't come natural.  Somehow it made more sense to feel like 2 guys I barely knew.

I got to the gig early and went to Madison Square Park.  Just sat on a bench and relaxed.  Then everybody stopped walking all at once and the girl next to me reading a book stabbed herself in the neck with a hairpin.

No wait.  That was a disappointing movie I saw this summer.

I sat down on the bench next to a dude and a girl.  Soon these kids about 20 years old a piece with Afros and eighties thrift store summer clothes walked up and started playing with their red multipurpose ball.  They were playing catch across the fountain.  The fountain wasn't working so it was a big dirty city pond. 

This had to be the funniest thing going. Everyone in the entire park was laughing at these fools.  They'd throw the ball to each other, but they'd try to throw it short so it would fall in the water with enough momentum to splash the guy trying to catch the ball.  The water was so old and dirty it would surely leave the recipient of the splash with HIV.

I went in to do the show.  The house was full.  I ran into my friend Nick Griffin.  He was doing a guest spot on the show.  It was great to see him.  I've known him for 7 years now and I've always loved his comedy.

The show went very well.  Tons of fun.

I went to meet up with my friends Bobby Myamoto and Tom McCaffrey at a bar.  It was a good time.  Those guys are hilarious. Tom offered me a place to stay Saturday and Sunday night.  Respect.

Tom told me tons of hilarious stories including the fact that he tapes an episode of Best Week Ever on VH1 every single week, but they've never used any footage of him on the show.  He said he was hoping they would use him this week.

Got home late.  My train wasn't running.  I somehow figured out a train home, though I don't remember exactly what I did.

Friday, I woke up late, and hung out with Kate and Jay.  Me and Jay checked out shorts and stuff on the internet, including the shorts we'd both been working on.

Jay left for work, and I left super early.  2 hours later I saw Kate on the street by Gotham.  "Kate!" I shouted.  Then we hugged.  It's funny, if I saw her at her house we wouldn't even have shaken hands, but out on the street it's hug time.  That's just the way it is. Those are outdoor specifications.

I walked around a little bit more and saw that the band H2O was performing just down the street from Gotham in a theater.  I used to skateboard with Toby Morse and Todd Morse (the singer and the guitar player) when I was around 12 years old.  Toby was a legendary skateboarder in Saint Mary's County (where I'm from) (see: Not Baltimore) when I was a kid.  We were all from a very small town in Maryland.  Somehow in 2008 we were both performing at large venues in New York City.

Friday night's shows went ridiculously well.  So much fun.  Gotham is an incredible club.  The audiences ended up being great all week.  In fact, for the entire 2 week run, Miami and New York, every show was good.  That's rare like beef.

I stopped off for a meatball hero.  It was delicious like beef.

I got home late on Friday night.  I think I saw the sun come up.  Again I hung out with Jay on his porch, which is really a lower building's roof top.  He told me he did about 10 shots at work (He works at a bar, so just relax).  But you'd never known by looking at him or talking to him.

I woke up on Saturday morning and packed up my stuff.  I was supposed to meet my friend Daniel (Tosh, who I was opening for at Gotham) and his friend Kevin for pizza.  Jay gave me an umbrella.  Good thing.  It started raining as soon as I walked outside.  That's just something you don't even consider living in California.  That fact that it could just up and start raining.  It just never factors into anything out West.  But walking down Lincoln Plaza in Park Slope, it factored into everything.

I got to the subway in the pouring rain.  Made it to the general area of Daniel's hotel.  It was still raining.  As soon as I got to his street, it stopped.  Should have held out in the subway.

I got into his hotel.  He's like, "Are your feet wet?"

I was like, "Yeah."

"You want some socks?"

"Yeah."

"Your shoes'll still be wet though."

"No I got shoes in my bag."

I started digging through my suitcase.

He's like, "I don't understand.  You have shoes in there, but you don't have socks?"

Then it dawned on me.  I had socks in my suitcase too.

Daniel was nice to me and only made fun of me for the next 12 hours straight.  And every time he's thought of it since.

We went and had pizza.  It was delicious.

I headed up to McCaffrey's.  Tom's dad was out of town, so Tom was staying at his apartment.  It was in the apartment Tom grew up in and it was nice and big.

We hung out and talked shop and watched Saving Silverman.  It's a really good movie if you turn the sound down and talk over it.  I got ready and went to the show.  Both shows were fantastic.  Probably the best of the week.

Went back to Tom's.  We watched Stand By Me and talked shop. Tom finally made the cut on Best Week Ever.  We watched his clip a bunch of times.  It was hilarious.  He was so goddamn happy (as he should be).  Got a good night sleep.

Woke up quick, at about noon, just thought I had to be at Dunkin' Donuts soon.  Went to double D with Tom.  He was meeting this dude that was taking him upstate.  Tom had just recorded and stand up CD and they were going to the studio to edit it.

Tom gave me the key to his Dad's house and split.  I went to the apartment.  I tried to open the door, but it didn't work.  I could hear the neighbors next door.  They were loud.  I was scared they would come out and see me struggling with the door, so I split.  Tom's Dad has lived there for at least 35 years, and they'd know I didn't belong.  I'd be damned if I was going to try to explain what was going on.

I went outside and tried not to panic.  My phone was in the apartment.  Tom said I had to be there to let him in.  There was a security pass for the building.  He only had one.  So he'd be screwed if I didn't find him on the way in or had to leave for the show.

I calmed down a little bit, went back up and opened the door.  It's one of those ones you have to put tons of pressure on the key in order to open.  To do this you have to put absolutely no pressure on yourself.

Went to the show.  Nick Griffin was there.  Kevin Williams was there.  It was a party.  We all had good sets.  Kevin Williams walked off stage and as soon as he got over to me he held his arm up in a victory freeze frame like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.  From my point of view the background was filled with people cheering.  It was cinematic bliss, without even having to go to the movies.

After the show we all went to dinner with some folks that worked over at Comedy Central.  I fucked up some buffalo wings.  They didn't even have a chance.  Everybody was egging me on to order another batch and then fuck those up too.  So then I ordered another batch and fucked those up too.                  Me and Daniel walked one the girls from Comedy Central home. 

"I can't wait to get home.  I've got a full tank of gas," Daniel broke a small period of silence.

This made me think of the empty tank I had inside my car a mile away from LAX.

"Damn."