I've wanted to write this blog for some time now, and in light of recent events, I feel that I should finally take the time.
In an attempt to help others who are on a quest (or those that occassionally meander onto the path) to meet that one person who can tolerate us for the rest of our lives, I have decided to pen common mistakes made in relationships, both on my part and on the part of those I have dated. Now, generally I would say "What the fuck do you know?" to someone who put up a blog such as this but, as I have so often learned, many have missed the memo on these simple love lessons (including myself and thus why I had to learn the hard way). The following is by no means meant to criticize those I have dated in the past, simply to put out there what I have learned in my many dating debacles. I will also throw in some recent situations collected from my friends to further illustrate important points that I, myself, have not experienced.
1) getting piss drunk, having a "heart-to-heart" with your new significant other and then insisting the next day you meant every word, is a crock of shit. if you really meant what you said it wouldn't have taken a bottle of liquor to impair your judgement enough to let it fly. likewise, anyone that believes that crock of shit is an idiot.
2) if you are miserable with the way that your life is going, do not latch onto someone who you feel is going to save you from your shitty situation. just because he/she is going somewhere does not mean he/she wants to take your bum ass along. that old adage "you must first love yourself to love another" is true. get off your ass and get your shit together. if you don't, eventually he/she will get tired of the dead weight and drop your ass and then you will be reminded once again how pathetic your life is. likewise, do not waste time with someone who does not have the same goals/dreams/hopes/wants as yourself. you will end up achieving less than you would have liked because you will have to put so much energy into motivating the dead weight you are carrying and thus putting less energy into what you want to do.
3) when a relationship ends for no other reason than you weren't what each other were looking for, respect that and move on. do not go out into the dating scene for a bit and get frustrated at dating others who are even less of what you are looking for and assume that the person you already know doesn't work for you suddenly will. what made it not work the first time is probably still the case and so giving it a second go will only reproduce the initial situation even if you believe you can "work on it."
4) people do not change. they grow up. they mature. they learn. their opinions may alter but people do not change. someone who is intrinsically selfish does not become selfless. what you must decide is not if you can tolerate their selfishness but if you can love them for it. you do not love someone despite their faults, you love them because of their faults. you may love every part of someone except for one aspect; you cannot expect to "help" them get rid of that fault. either you accept it or you move on.
5) simply because one person thought an aspect of your personality was a fault does not mean that it is. it simply meant one person thought it was. the next person may adore that part of you.
6) do not compromise what you think is important. do not settle for less than you want. if you want someone is really touchy-feely and the person you are dating doesn't believe in being affectionate don't ask them to increase their PDA's and don't reduce the amount of affection you show. you will both end up unhappy.
7) you cannot expect to find someone who fulfills standards you do not hold for yourself. likewise, do not date someone who does not align themselves with standards that you require of yourself. you cannot love to party, date someone who doesn't and expect it to work. likewise, you cannot date someone whose actions/thoughts/feelings compromise your integrity. it does not mean that you are judging, it simply means they are better your friend than your life partner.
8) although not the end all be all, being at the same point in life as your partner is pretty important. if you are not ready to have children and won't be for 5 years then don't think it is a good idea to commit to someone who wants to have kids now. either they will have to wait longer than they would have liked or you will be having kids before you were ready. neither situation is healthy.
10) honesty is the best policy but details are not needed. you do not want to hear about how i went dancing and had guys all over me any more than i want to know what that strippers boobs looked like. a simple "went dancing" and "hung out at a strip club" suffices, trust me.
11) do not make shit up. if it isn't said then don't assume that is what the person meant. people are really bad about trying to read into what the other is saying or hoping the other really meant something else. even if it is obvious the person is holding something back, what is it worth to you if you have to beat it out of them? if they really felt it that strongly, they would have said it. likewise, don't say stuff knowing that is what the person wants to hear. seriously. it's lame. it's weak. and it's disrespectful.
12) for the love of god i wish people would realize the difference between love and lust (i, too, am guilty). you absolutely cannot love a person when you are still in the honeymoon phase. you love a person after you have seen their best AND their worst AND have worked thru a major life catastrophe that forces you to depend on eachother like never before. it is so easy to love when you are busy humping like rabbits and going to dinner and a movie but it is really hard to love when that person becomes depressed or you find yourself seperated with hours distance between you. people aren't hurt by you telling them you love them when you are ready they are hurt when you say it too soon and then realize you didn't mean it.
13) when a relationship doesn't work out with a person that seems like they are everything you want it means you were wrong. now you must do some serious retrospection of what is important to you and what you can realistically expect in a relationship. now that you know that version doesn't work, come up with a new one. DO NOT keep repeating the same scenario by dating the same type of person in hopes that it ends differently. "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." your friends won't feel bad for you they will just think you are an idiot. that's not good.
14) finally, because i am tired of typing, there is no single person in the WORLD who is worth compromising/giving up those people you care about most. absolutely, positively, undoubtedly the worst thing you can do is put aside your family and friends for one person you love. likewise, if EVERYONE you respect and care about thinks the person you are with is bad news, get the hint and move on. you are emotionally drugged and not thinking clearly. i don't care how happy that person makes you, if the people who know you best doubt his/her worthiness, they are seeing something you aren't and it's best not to wait around to let the story unfold.
thank you all for you attention and remember:
What the fuck do i know?