Everyone in California is scared for the next big earthquake- DON'T BE. I have the solution to eliminate all future earthquakes...pollute and contaminate the environment as much as possible, do everything you can to destroy our natural environment.
Why? Well pollution creates smog, the smog combines with our clouds and comes back down to earth in the form of precipitation/rain, then it runs into our rivers, streams, and oceans. Finally it all runs back into the San Andreas Fault. get it? If we can FILL UP the San Andreas Fault with pollution and contamination then it cannot create anymore earthquakes! We need to fill the San Andreas Fault with everything we don't need....soloflex machines, hippies, trash, fat people, ugly people, etc.
I have a one week program that will fill up the San Andreas Fault, thus letting us relax knowing no more earthquakes will ever come. Now start this program on a Monday, because studies show you'll stick with something when you start on a Monday. Ever tried to lose weight on a Wednesday? You are eating cake by Friday. Dont' start on Wednesday, you won't commit...start on Monday.
Monday....sell your car and buy an 18 wheel big rig truck, then take your kids to school and soccer practice. This exhaust will get in the atmosphere.
Someone's parent might say 'hey why are you driving your kids around in an 18 wheeler big rig, and you say 'Listen bitch, I'm doing my part to prevent earthquakes, and I don't care what you think of me anyhow', because peer pressure doesn't affect you anyhow, you got over that in the 10th grade, thats why you didn't win Student Council Secretary that year, but you learned your lesson. Focus on the campaign. You can't let peer pressure get to you, even if you are ugly and not talented.
Tuesday...when you go to the grocery store and they say 'Paper or Plastic?', you say 'Asbestos'. Get it? You are doing your part.
Wednesday...this is a big day, hump day, no not the hump on your girlfriends back, thats scoliosis, we are talking about the middle of the week...hump day, focus; need to go big here: buy a chemical plant. Any chemical plant will do, we need to get chemicals into the ozone and atmosphere. If you can't afford a chemical plant, start a meth lab. If you can't afford a meth lab, look into Capitol One financing, they have really good deals these days. Zero % interest the first year, thats a great deal in this market, it's going to enable you to focus on profit and build a core management team; not having to pay off the principal is huge in the first year. Dont' go with Discover, they have hidden charges all over the place..check the fine print, plus Discover charges for online banking, you don't need that, it's free with Capitol One. Let's make good decisions here.
Thursday...burn tires, all day long. Get your fellas to come over, put on some jerseys, pretend it's a sporting event- it's going to be sweet. Michelin, Goodyear are good tires to burn, but I recommend Firestone. Firestone makes a very durable tire which creates a nice creamy smoke which will create more consistent smog. Also, bring some marshmellows to roast while you are burning tires...you'll need the extra energy. Burning tires is a tough workout; the marshmellows will help replace some of the energy you burn. You'll need it, cause Friday is a big day.
Friday...replace all the water in your pipes at home with oil. Let's get some oil into the waters. If you don't know how to do this, watch Tim Allen's Home Improvement, 3rd season, episode 4 I believe..he gives a good example. Start flushing oil down your toilet and drains, this will pollute our waters which is what we need to be doing. Keep oil in your car also, because if you drive by a natural water source, just dump the oil in directly. This cuts out the middle man...2 birds.
Saturday...take it off, think about Sunday...it's a big day.
Sunday...launch all hippies into the San Andreas Fault from a catapult. Let's get them all in the desert, good place for a giant catapult. This might be tricky, but we can do it...think teamwork. What we can do to get them in the desert is say there is a Phish revival concert in the desert and if they (the hippies) get to the concert on time then they get a free velcro Grateful Dead poster, or maybe a hackysack- they will come, trust me they have nothing else to do.
Once the hippies get to the disclosed location, we get them to stand in one place. They are waiting for the concert and unaware they are standing on a boobie trap, which is grass and leaves on top of a catapult. Next...we launch the hippies INTO the San Andreas Fault. They won't mind the launch because they love to 'get high' anyhow, so they will be confused...dumbasses.
One by one they are launched into the San Andreas Fault like a human tetris game, they fill up the Fault and BAM...NO MORE EARTHQUAKES!!!!
Finally California is safe from earthquakes and our sidewalks are clean, thats 2 more birds, 4 total birds in the joke....thats a good week.
(Hippies are annoying and useless, get lost and jump into the San Andreas Fault)