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Current mood:  loved
Its crazy too think a year ago from now I was boxing up my mother in laws things and looking at apartments out west in anticipation for moving to California after 'reconciling' with my estranged husband and here I am today back in Virginia. Back in Va, divorced from my ex, remarried and expecting my third and final child in July!
What a difference a year can make in a life. Those who know me already know the sordid details of my last marriage and subsequent divorce so there is no need to rehash that.
I started talking to someone else, fell in love and here I am now at this junction in my life. Of course having another baby was far from planned and just goes to show that whether a male is 14 or 40 - never trust those famous last words , " trust me, I wont get you pregnant. I know what Im doing..." lmaoooo
Im getting my tubes tied after this, during the c-sec. I asked if they could be so kind as to further tear my ovaries out to play badmitten with and then stomp on them after a well played match ( cause you never can be TOO thorough ). But, alas, they declined...
The kids are doing well. Amaya is smart as a whip and the special education services for her autism where I live are very good. Hopefully in a couple years I will be able to mainstream her back to the regular school she misses. I worry about her, I do. She has her good days and awful days. Sometimes on the bad ones I wonder while she is screaming and carrying on if this is going to be the rest of my life. Will I grow old still taking care of Amaya while she freaks out? But I have to stay positive and focus on the good. She is very intelligent, extremely creative, thoughtfull and precocious.She may surprise us all be the breakout star of the family!
Landon is turning 4 soon and quite a character. He is always in my lap, walking with his arms wrapped around my leg or playing superheroes with his six year old stepbrother, Brandon. My husband says he has never seen a boy so attached to his mother, lol! But I dont mind. They grow up too fast anyway.
Their father lives in California but has an apartment with his friend in Virginia. I guess he is going to move out here one of these days. He calls them almost daily and comes east and sees them every couple months. They love him and miss him. I know alot of people dont understand why I would let him be in their lives after all he has put me and them through. Why would I be nice to him?
Why didnt I try to screw him over hard during the divorce with no vaseline or a curtesy pat afterwards? Why not emotionally cripple him, financially castrate him and destroy his life?
Its hard to explain other than it just isnt me. And if I pursued that avenue of conduct, well there is no way it couldnt change the very intrinsic nature of who I am forever. Its in me to hurt, its in me to get PISSED off - but plotting a steady and deliberate course of vengeance to hurt others, that isnt in me. Maybe it should be in me, Ive been told by a few people who know me ( the real me) well enough that for all my quills and posturing I am still just too nice or soft hearted for my own good. I dont know. But Id like to think what goes around does come around - both POSITIVE and negative.
If my children are happy, then I am happy. There is a saying that a real mother is never happier than her saddest child. For me that is a true statement. So all I can hope to do to achieve that means is help facilitate a healthy and loving relationship between them and their father so that they can grow up feeling like they actually are loved and matter to the other entity that brought them into existence.
I am happy with my life now. For so long I lived so unhappy for the most part with my ex with so much anxiety, insecurity, fear, anger, shame and self loathing. There were good moments but they existed more like brief but dazzling rainbows blinking in and out of existence between horrendous and terrifying storms screaming with hard winds, monster hail, freezing rain and sizzling lightning strikes. After a while even the pretty colors didnt mesmerize for how hard I shivered still from the cold and wetness that had settled through my bones and into my soul.
It isnt like that with my second marriage. It is not perfect as no joining of two individual people with their own personalities and life stories can be. But its good. Its a good life. Occasionally a gray cloud dots the horizon but its calm skies this time around. I love him and I feel loved back in return. He is a good guy, and he is good to my children as well.
I have three step children as well now as he was a single father raising three. They are great kids. I dont know my teenage stepdaughter well as she has spent the past year at a Catholic private school on scholarship but Ive grown pretty attached to the six and five year old as they have grown to me. All the kids certainly keep my hands full!
The little guys are quite excited about the baby coming. Im having another boy, Ryan Christopher Rimler. The pregnancy has gone flawlessly without a single complication, thank God. I am having another c-sec in July as I mentioned above. I thought my son would give me the hardest time about having another baby but lately he seems to be the most enthusiastic about it! On and on he goes about his little baby brother, its quite cute. Lets see how the reality of sharing Mommy with a new sibling rests with him though,lol.
I still have so many dreams and goals I want to achieve but one thing I have learned over the last eighteen months is that I am far stronger and capable than even I ever imagined.
3:22 PM
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