Intense midwest heat wave to blame..Loop Fest plays roll. ..

After a day at Loop Fest in sweltering 99 degree heat, and watching groups of teenagers dry hump each other all day long...the frustration started to slowly creep in.

People love to dry hump...so do I. Today I'll deal with the dry humping, because tomorrow I'm off to see comedian Margaret Cho in the beautiful, air- conditioned Chicago Theatre. Little did I know... the joke was on me. Ms. Cho caters to almost 100% gays. "Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I mean I didn't even understand some of the jokes. But, I did get hit on three or four times. Two little Asian fellows and one really big hairy guy. If I was a chick, I would have to say "Sorry, Im a lesbian". Although, I must say the one would not have looked so bad had he been equipped with the proper wig and right shade of lipstick, but that's besides the point. Lets just say... If I would have known the pick up scene for gay males was this easy, I'd have been a flamer in high school. Ya know, join the wrestling team, the whole 9 yards.

On the way to the Theatre, there were a bunch of ladies that struck up conversation with my wife and I. Tourists I ask? Why "yes" she replies. Hey... "you guys lesbians" I ask... "oh no... we're in town for the Pampered Chef convention. Then one of them yells out, "well sometimes..."DAMN HER! Why did she have to say that." There goes my hard on starting up again... just like at Loop Fest.

Now I've done it. I mindlessly blurted out yet another stupid comment that insures one thing... no sex from my wife tonight. Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut? Ahhh screw it. The Red Fish Vodoo Lounge is just up the street. Ice cold beers, steaks, hot sauce...just what a man needs to reduce the swelling in his groin. I've always wanted to check that place out.

Once in the Red Fish, my wife took the liberty of ordering two Sam Adams summer ales. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. When the server comes to the table, I look up and there he is. The waitress is a man. Night totally ruined! I'm not talking about some sexy cross dresser either. Just a guy, serving food.. holding my beers with a piece of fruit wedged on the side of the glass.

I am a man who has had enough." "THAT'S IT... you pasty-skinned, fat, crew cut wearing mother fucker... you take those filthy hands off those innocent beers right now . Put down those frosted mugs and slowly back away from the table you son of a bitch. "And you bring me something in a skirt to take the fruit out of my God DAMN beer! If you try to upsell me a fish sandwich, I'm gonna hurl myself out the plate glass window and into an oncoming bus. Hopefully, my blood will splash all over those retro square-rimmed glasses you're sporting. You prick you. Here's a couple of quick questions for ya pal."

• How in the fuck did you get this job?...
• Did you blow someone?...
• Aren't there single mothers in this world that need your job?...
• Does management really think its a wise move not to serve Hot Peppers in this Cajun restaurant?...
• Can Sammy Hagar still Fuck like he's 20 ?...
• Do you think that my wife knows that I threw my cell phone out the car window because of sexual frustration or does she think I"'m just an asshole?...
• Am I homophobe?...
• Is my cock getting hard because I'm fantasizing about splitting your skull with a antique Coca-Cola Bottle?

Homophobe? I don't know. I think I'm just pissed off and horny. All I'm trying to say is... I want a rare steak, I want my beer without any fruit in it, and I want it served by a women. Then, when I'm done, I want to screw my wife with the lights on, in the middle of the kitchen floor. Is that too much to ask?

At what point in time did American males turn into such giant pussys? What the fuck has happened to this world. Boys should be boys... girls should be waitresses. You know... puppy dog tails, rats & snails... whatever. Let's get back to the basics here.... starting right now! "Here's an idea... why don't you have the hostess bring me my food, and you go out and build a deck, install a garage door opener or something. "BITCH!"

Ronnie Lottz Owner of Cigars and Stripes<br>