Kelly said, "I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, I needed change. I need an atmosphere that is cheerful and lively... I mean I liked Cigars & Stripes and all, but sometimes being alone in that building would scare the shit out of me. So I thought that buying Cafe Palermo (6510 West Ogden) is just what the doctor ordered."I just hope those God Damn Ghosts dont follow me to my new place?

Did she just say "cheerful atmosphere" and "Cafe Palermo" in the same sentence? Is she dillusional? Does she not realize that she just bought a pre-existing coffee shop that was run by one of Mouselini's distant cousins? That little dago was nuts. Last time I was in there, he was chasing some guy down the block with a loaf of stale bananna bread screaming something like "I don't need your fuckin change, you Berwyn bastard."

Ahhhh but that's okay...he hated Berwynites. And that guy he was chasing... was probably a dic. Unlike you ,Kelly... you're a people person and a sweetheart. Lord knows it didn't do shit for my Wednesday night crowd but in your new coffee shop ,you'll do just fine.

Well, get ready for a long list of U-should-oughtas: you know, U-should-oughta get one of those frozen drink machines. U-should-oughta serve PBJ's and ice cream for the screaming little bratts. U-should-oughta be open till 3am on Sundays. U-should-oughta get a Lotto machine and numerous U-should-oughtas from people who should-ougta go fuck themselves.

Here's my little list of U-should-oughtas:

• U-should-oughta - not go on any more 2-day drinking binges.
• U-should-oughta not - stay out till dawn anymore.
• U-should-outta - get used to wakeing up at 4am to make coffee for your new regulars
• U-should-outta - learn to love working 14 hour days
• U-should-outta - spend more time endlesly searching for reasonably priced health insurance for sole proprietors
• U-should-oughta - name the place "U-should-oughtas."
• U-should-outta - not eat pills that you find on the floor of Cigars & Stripes anymore.
• Oh wait a minute, that should-outta not be too hard, because you don't work here anymore let alone have the free time to stop in for a drink.

Finally, U-should-oughta let me work there for a couple of 3 or 4 years so I can give everyone their third cup of coffee for free and say shit like... "Oh don't worry about the bagle... It's on me" as I mumble under my breath..."something about the owner being a bitch anyway all as I simutaniously motion towards the tip jar. *wink, wink* What's that you say?... "the register is off $87.50? It can't possibly be me, it was probably the ghost moving the change box around again."

And one rainy night you will walk in at closing time to find me and 3 of my derilect friends snorting endless amounts of your most expensive Arabica fresh ground coffee. HUGE PILES OF IT!! And by the way.... we'll all be naked,and surrounded by broken glassware that the "GHOST" has been whipping around your new coffee shop all night long.

Ronnie Lottz Owner of Cigars and Stripes