Well, brave readers, welcome to another edition of Terra Nuditas, that space devoted to bringing you the mirth and sometime madness of mankind's sexual depravity, this being the special 888 edition. These sorts of triple dates are always held as an omen, and if the stories from the last week are any indication, humanity may not survive the 13 months until its next portentous date. .. -->more-->

Opening this week's odyssey into the outlandish we have a tale of a Tasmanian devil. A lonely man whose overarching desire was simply to watch some bestiality porn. Unfortunatley Rodney McLagan crossed a line when he dove into Japanese calimari porn. It seems that octopussy is illegal in Tasmania. Word has it that the sheep are lobbying for similar protections. However, the story ends happily. Judges apparently agreed with the contentions of Mr. McLagan's attorney that he was too ugly to have sex with human beings, and suspended his sentence.

The more easygoing New Zealanders are going to allow some topless motorbiking, while Aussies, of all people, are in a lather over a few harmless Jim Beam ads. The Humorless Wretches wailed in misery and Jim Beam International, after trying to do the right thing, backed down and pulled the plug on their infamous website.

Speaking of ad bans, Eva Mendes' latest Calvin Klein ad has been banned by all and anon, even you tube. The .18 seconds of heavily blurred, partially uncovered nipple has been ruled too hot for American TV and even the internet. It makes us wonder if any of these people have ever watched Jerry Springer. Or if the censors that be over at Google have ever run a YouTube query on the word lesbian. The results would no doubt stun them.

Erstwhile dog cloner Bernann McKinney bears a striking resemblance to one Joyce McKinney, a nefarious molester of adolescent Mormon missionaries. She was charged with holding 17 year old Kirk Anderson in bondage while in bondage and having carnal knowledge of a Morman chastity belt. Who knew that the missionary boys had that much fun? We here are reconsidering our career choice, the mission fields of the lord suddenly seem far more rewarding than our present earthly pursuits.

In Ohio 29-year-old Mohammad Jamal Isaifan was arrested for naked terrorism. Mr. Isaifan entered a gas station minimart while in his birthday suit and strolled into the bathroom with nothing more than a bottle of mouthwash, rubbing alcohol, shaving cream and a razor. When the police showed up to arrest him he fought back and got tasered for his troubles. While in the parking lot he informed the police that there were two bombs in his vehicle. Fortunately for everyone they turned out to be overdue copies of Battlefield Earth and The Hottie & the Nottie. Also in Ohio Youngstown police pulled a naked burglar from a chimney. What is it about Ohio that so tempts criminals to flaunt the law while flaunting themselves?

In Florida Pensacola dentist Claude Strickland has been arrested for illegal bartering. He failed to declare the full monetary value of oral sex on his taxes. In his defense protein is good for tooth enamel, so perhaps he was just doing his job.

In England Daniel Livermore was banned from owning camera phones after being caught with too much footage of feminine tan lines and Richard Bradford was charged with sharing the wealth, which would seem like the thing to do in a Commonwealth. Unfortunately for Mr. Bradford he was only rich in naked photos of his ex-girlfriend.

In Canada a man identified only as J.A. was informed that ignorance of the law was no excuse, and that servicing his girlfriend after a little consensual strangulation was a no-no. In Oregon the heartwarming love story of David Leatham and Kristie Gitnes came to an ignominious end when police arrested them for having a little S&M in private in public. And a Kennewick, Washington man was playing with his junk while playing with his junk.

In celebrity news Britney Spears may or may not take a turn at wearing the bra so ably filled by Tura Satana in Quentin Tarantino's remake of the Russ Meyer classic Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill. We're sure that after her star turn as a crippled stripper in I Know Who Killed Me that Lindsay Lohan will be thrilled to play the drug crazed, lesbian stripper Varla. In future child celebrity wreck news, Dina Lohan sent her youngest daughter, Ali, off to an audition. Without being aware that the producer was a notorious pornographer. Will someone please start up the Ali Lohan Playboy Countdown™.

Former child star Josh Peck has gone from Nickelodeon boy toy to buck naked in his new film, The Wackness. Kate Moss has joined the Army of the Wayward Nipple (commanded by Brigadier General Jackson). Also in the ranks are Alice Dellal, Lily Allen, and Sophie Price. Perhaps we should send them some bulletproof bras to help them tame their wild racks?

In Virginia a couple was arrested and fined for practicing nudism on Assateague Island. With a name like that you would expect the local police to be a little more lenient. In southern California people are going to court for the right to surf wearing nothing but their boards. Germans and Poles are fighting again, this time over Germen men's desire to roast their bratwursts on the beach

In Russia poor Grigory Toporov suffered indignity on top of horrific injury when his wife left him after breaking his penis off during sex. In China a particularly desperate man joined the growing ranks of furniture rapists when he attempted to get his swerve on with a stainless steel bench and nearly lost his penis in the ensuing struggle. Suddenly that picnic table guy is looking pretty holesome. Of course, if the Chinese man had lost his penis, local restaurants may have started a bidding war for it.

Last, but certainly not least, we have some genuinely wholesome sex toy tales. In England millions of women applied for one of ten posts as sex toy testers. We understand that the ones eventually chosen were extremely overqualified. And here in America we have several lines of eco-friendly sex toys. Complete with carbon credits to offset the increased CO2 emissions of screaming orgasms.

For now we bid you adieu, and remember, dear readers, if you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours, please seek medical help.