We were thrilled at last week’s announcement that China was set to open a Sex Theme Park by the name of Love Land. Yes, we thought, this is one country that definitely needs a little bit of love and A LOT of sex education. Why would we make such a judgment? Well, only in China will you have the pleasure reading about the Gullibe Groom who Wed a Tranny. And though you might assume this was a momentary (and perhaps drunken) blunder… you would be wrong. The marriage lasted THREE YEARS, due to the groom’s lack of interest in the mysterious depths of his wife’s skirt, saying that he merely wanted someone to take care of him (and not his junk, evidently). Yes, our groom is just one example of a Chinese man in need of a sex education (or perhaps a sexuality education, because—let’s face it—a man who’s attracted to a woman with vaguely masculine features and makes no advances in cave exploration might have a few things to pull out of the closet).

One might assume this is an isolated case, but then there are bizarre cases of the “Don’t do this at home, kids,” variety. No other country (at least that we’re aware of ) has such a high incidence of Penile Strangulation, the use of nuts and bolts on a man’s nuts and bolts that slowly kills the penile tissue. This technique, meant to improve erections, can often lead to amputation…. not the desired effect, we assume. Of course, this isn’t meant to imply that Chinese have problems obtaining erections. Many can get them quite easily and use them, in fact, to hump steel park benches.

And though it might seem that there’s some serious penis hatred going on… There’s also some penis love. Even Buddhist Monks are willing to choke the bishop in public. And, of course, who can forget the cuisine China offered up at the Olympic games. Is that an eel on my plate? No… it’s a penis!  Yes, seal penis is considered a delicacy… don’t know about whale, one would think they’re just seconds away from the Moby Dick platter.

And though we could go on, we feel we’ve made a good case for the country being in need of a little sex education; an open dialogue on subjects like “How to get an erection,” and “How to know if you are gay,” and “what not to screw when you’re in the mood,” and Love Land was set to offer all this and more—WAS. WAS? Yes, WAS! For in only a week, Chinese officials got squeamish, felt Love Land was simply “vulgar” and have scrapped the plan before it even got off the ground. Oh… China… we’ll pray for you.