I got one of the scariest phone calls of my life last week. It was from my doctor, who found some cancerous cells in my recent test results. Unfortunately, the nurse that called wasn't able to tell me over the phone what was wrong, but her grave urgency to get me into the doctor left me absolutely panicked. My co-worker had to drive me to the doctors office, where he finally told me what was wrong.

I typically don't talk about my personal life and health matters on here, but I think I am going to open up this time about what has been going on and what life-altering decisions will have to be made in the coming days. If for nothing else, it is helping me to talk about it now.... my friends who had no idea are being really supportive right now, and that is much needed.

Some of you may know that I was raised by my paternal grandparents. They took me when I was just a few months old, and they raised me as their own. I called them Mami & Papi, so sometimes its a bit confusing when I am talking about my Dad or my DAD. Up until about 5 years ago, I also had a relationship with the maternal side of my family. My grandparents had always taken me for visits once a year and sometimes I got to see my Mother too. But when I grew into an adult, I realized that the relationship that I sought with my Mother was very one-sided. I would try to make arrangements to go out of my way to see her, and she would never call me back. The last time that happened was when I moved to Georgia, and that was the last time I ever spoke to that side of my family again. It hurts not to have contact, but the rejection of trying to have a relationship with someone who apparently didn't want mine was just too much. I have never heard another word from them. I found my cousin a few years back, and she communicates with me, which is great, but despite that I am openly available to contact via the web, phone, etc. I haven't heard a word. I figure it is just the way it will always be.

Why is all that important right now? Well, the problem with not having a relationship with your biological mother is that you don't know your full medical history. I have known very little about my Mother's medical situation other than that she had some sort of "female problem" that somewhere I heard might have led to a historectomy in her early 20's. Mami (my grandmother) thinks she had Cervical Cancer, which is what I have been diagnosed with. I've always tried to stay up on my tests to prevent that occuring with me, and they have removed 3 trouble spots over the last few years. Genetics playing such a big role, I am very scared right now about what the specialist will say at my appointment tomorrow.

What I will find out tomorrow is life-shaking. Because I have already had 3 other incidents of trouble spots removed, it is coming to the point that they can no longer remove the cells without permanently damaging my cervix, and leaving me unable to carry a child. Further, with my persistent history and genetic predisposition, they might recommend a more drastic approach to ensure it does not develop and spread.

The doctor looked at me as he was giving me the last test results and asked me "Was my family complete?" Of course not, I have not even begun. Its something I always thought I'd eventually get to experience, after I chased my dream of racing, and then could settle down and have a family. Now, I may not get that chance. I am beyond crushed.

Please keep me in your prayers.