What’s it like to walk on both sides of the gender spectrum sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman? This is the kind of question that gets asked by those who are naive yet curious. My answer, as a transgendered woman, is; “I don’t know.” Though I have a male body, for as long as I can remember, I have thought of myself as female. I hide it well, even though I don’t relate well to guys doing guy things. My heart aches to have a doll collection. When I see a beautiful woman, my thoughts are; “how can I be more like her.”


Men and women are truly different. In body, it’s obvious. In the mind, where you can’t see it, it’s no less profound. Looking across the gender spectrum, probably 99.9% of men are congruent with being men and 99.9% of women are congruent with being women. These men have absolutely no interest in putting on a dress and the women have no interest in being men. Their gender and sex are congruent. 
 This is at the heart of the misunderstanding the general public has about us as transgendered women. They have no comprehension of what it is like to walk in our shoes. (No pun intended.) They can't even imagine it. Many are even revulsed by the idea because it is so foreign to who they are. What woman would want to be a man? What man would want to be a woman? Yet here we are, women on the inside struggling to make the person we see in the mirror congruent with our inner selves. 



Being married and transgendered further complicates the situation. On the one hand our spouses have expectations of us as men and specifically as husbands. On the other hand we are transgendered. Denial, purges, prayer, nothing seems to change who we are inside. 




I was once scolded by one of my wife’s friends who had heard that I sometimes wore
women’s clothes. If she only knew. I had no interest in getting into a discussion with her but she did get me thinking about how could I ever explain my conundrum? How can this make sense to those who are congruent as males or females?


Imagine, as a mind game, that a beautiful genetic woman is made to look like a man; short hair cut, no makeup, no jewelry, no earrings, takes testosterone, has no breasts, grows a beard or shaves every day wears male clothes lowers her voice and walks like a soldier. Next, she's told this is who she is for the rest of her life which means, among other things, that all her relationships will change. Other women will look upon her as a man; i.e., one of them, useful but not girl friend material. She will also now have to relate to men as one of them. 

Remember that through all of this, in her mind, she is still a woman. Every time she looks in the mirror, every time she puts on her clothed every time she comes in contact with another person, who she is and who she appears to be are in diametric opposition. This is truly a recipe for disaster. Welcome to being transgendered.




This is what I wrote Amanda Richards after she did a makeover and photo shoot on me in 2006:



“I can't express how much I appreciated your artistry in doing my makeover. When I first saw myself in the mirror, I didn't recognize the woman smiling back at me. I saw a beautiful woman, young, modern, vibrant, classy, elegant and sophisticated looking like she had just stepped out of the pages of Elle Magazine. My smile for the rest of the day was real, I felt like I've never felt before. I was the woman in the mirror. I was the woman I had always dreamed I could be. Even that night when I looked in the mirror, I saw this same beautiful woman smiling back at me. 

Jim Bridges taught me a lot but you brought my face to a totally new level. Your color palette is so different from what I've been using that I'm going to have to get the complete MAC kit before I can even start to reproduce my new look. I have so much to learn but the wonderful result you showed me gives me the encouragement to get started. Amanda, you've turned the clock back 30 years! I want to look spectacular. 




“Last year I watched a reality program called the Swan, where a group of women who considered themselves flawed, ugly and rejected were put through a rigor of diet, exercise, face lifts etc., never seeing themselves in a mirror until the final reveal. Dressed to the nines, they finally saw themselves for the first time as the beautiful women they had become. Watching the program I could feel their joy, elation and even disbelief as they saw themselves for the first time. Now, I truly know how they felt because I too was that woman. 

The photo shoot, seeing my new self in various outfits, is a wonderful 
remembrance of the day. I see myself in the green dot dress as elegant and sophisticated. With the corset pulled tight, my shape is so feminine. How I felt in the wedding gown is beyond words. I shall never be a bride, but wearing such an elegant and beautiful gown has always been a fantasy that has now been given life. Thinking back over the day and reviewing my pictures, I want to cry with joy.




“The need for congruence as a woman is very strong.”