 |
Current mood:  angsty Category: Life
I have worked a rather significant amount of shit jobs in my life. These are not things I am necessarily proud of, or all that willing to admit to people on a first date, yet there are so many worse things I could have done with my life. For example:
1) Waste Management:
This is the glorified equivalent of "shit-picker-upper." Every time I see my local refuse collector drive down my street every Wednesday morning, I can't help but think of how truly awesome they must smell to their friends and loved ones...on a seemingly constant basis. I sometimes feel the desire to speak to them about their day - their endless exciting endeavors of crap handling. The only problem is, I then immediately ask myself what I would actually say to them. I imagine it would go something like this:
Me: "So, how has it been manhandling and organizing your community's endless stream of shit and filth?"
Them: "Fuck you."
2) Farming:
Do you know why people farm? Because their parents did. Do you know why farmer's children don't stop farming? Because their parents hate them. Granted, that is only a personal theory, but I'm pretty sure it's spot on.
Have you ever actually done any form of farming? It's bullshit. Endless, agonizing bullshit. You get up way too early and instead of dealing with human waste and refuse, you deal with animal shit and litter. Also, you get to try to keep mindless and utterly obnoxious plants growing...year round. Imagine how you feel picking up a dog dookie in the middle of the night, or cleaning out a cat box because you just noticed your house smells like ammonia-rich urine. Now imagine doing that with a fucking cow, or a pig. I let other people raise and slaughter my dinners for a reason. Why? Because fuck them. I'm going to eat you, therefore I have no need to spend several years wallowing in your piss and shit before I devour your flesh.
Oh yeah, plants are even worse. They hate you. They want to die. They never grow without constant attention and will actually die, more than not, even if you give them more attention than you give to your own children. Pump my veggies full of more bioengineering and frankenfood products than my bowels can handle for all I care - as long as I don't have to water those sons of bitches.
3) Teaching:
First of all, let me say: I'm sorry to my mother and brother.
Teaching to me, is the equivalent of crushing my nuts in a vice for 30 minutes every morning before I go about my actual business of being alive. Except they do this for anywhere from 8-10 hours a day. If there is one thing I have learned from this country in my 28 years, it's that parents almost universally want to get rid of their children from the time they are born. This ultimately leads to the average teacher's plight: They are stuck for eternity, trying to teach other people's children how to not be fucking retarded while the child's actual parents are endlessly trying to re-retard them and enforce the timeless wisdom of welfare and laziness.
For the lucky children that actually have parents that give a shit about them, they will always have the unfortunate struggle of being successful and therefore ignored by the teachers in favor of the morons in the back of the class asking questions like, "Miss, why would I EVER need math in my life? I'm going to be a (rap/rock/hip-hop/reggae/celtic-ambient/polka)-star!"
For the record, this has nothing to do with the teachers, but with the constant state and federal government telling them that they can "Never leave a child behind." Fuck them. Leave them in Canada.
4) Politics:
This has absolutely nothing to do with how bad the job is, but rather the fact that every single politician, past and present, has had to doucheify themselves in order to convince the American people that they are "agreeable and relatable."
Fuck you, America. 99.99% of you are not agreeable or relatable to the average amoeba, so stop expecting your politicians to pick up your flack. Yeah, they do seem better than you. You know why? Because they're lying to make you feel better. In essence, you vote for the guy that makes you feel the least stupid.
5) Police Officer:
Okay, I'll just get this out of the way: Every cop I have ever met is a fucking asshole. That's what everyone wanted to hear, right? Granted, it's true. That, however, is not my point.
Think about it. Why is every cop you've ever met a complete fucking asshole? Because he has to deal with YOU!
I am but a mere citizen, but after dealing with the general public for 28 years of life, I feel a strong desire to pull the majority of you over and pistol-whip the shit out of you too. Every single person I have met in my life has done something incredibly stupid (and more than not, illegal) in their life. This leads to the "everyone I see is guilty" mindset of the average police officer. I would need a rather high multiple of the current amount of hands that I possess to calculate the many things in my life that I've done that are technically illegal. I must emphasize "technically."
I am not a criminal, but the laws in this country are so ridiculously constraining (if you actually follow the true letter of the law), that EVERYONE is a criminal. Hell, your dear sweet grandmother probably deserves several months or years in jail (or prison, depending on how you grew up.)
Anyone that voluntarily signs up for police work is functionally retarded. You want to fix the border problem? Make illegal immigrants become police officers. I swear to you, after a week of that shit, they'll leave this country willingly.
6) Military Service (1950-Present):
I actually just peed a little, thinking about how exciting it's going to be to read the hate-mail and shitty comments I get over this entry.
Please reference the parentheses above before you start pissing and moaning about how unpatriotic I am and how I'm a commie/socialist/fascist bastard that hates his country. I deep-dicking-love my country, thank you very much -- I just hate pretty much everything we have ever done overseas since World War II. And if you disagree, then I will assume that you just absolutely love killing Vietnamese, Koreans, Iraqis, Afghans, Pakistanis, Israelis, and...damn...how many more do I have to list?
Being a functional and active member of the United States Military has been nothing but the polar opposite of rewarding for over half a century now, and yet people keep joining. Why? Because they're fucking ass-dirt poor and have no other choice. When was the last time you saw an army, navy or marine commercial that didn't imply, directly, that "Shit, you might as well consider it because...well...what the fuck else are you going to do, you retard?"
The military is a death machine and is fully aware of that. They do nothing to hide it -- "We'll make you army strong, so you can be halfway-across-the-world-fucking-dead." Out of the five people that I've known in my life to join the military, only ONE of them has escaped without having been seriously wounded in battle.
And that's because he went A.W.O.L.
7) Evangelist (or 80% of the world's preachers):
Why? Because I really, really don't want to burn in hell. These people steal people's money on live television and never make apology for it. They wear your cash in Gucci suits while telling you how your last contribution of 10% of your measly income was not nearly enough for them to save you from God's incorrigible wrath. Guess what, retards? If God does exist, I promise you he does not want your smelly, crinkly pieces of green paper. He probably wants you to spend that 10% of your income on supporting charities, shelters and the truly downtrodden. You have got to be completely lost in delusion to think that you are buying a place in the Heavenly Kingdom with American currency. God doesn't give a flipping rat-ass shit about your money. For fuck's sake, you're chopping down his trees to make the fucking stuff. He's probably pissed that you're sacrificing one of his planets to him for such a ridiculous reason.
I don't even believe in Hell, but I promise you that these people will live through eternity with some sort of GonaHerpeSyphilAids...
...In their butts.
8) "Help the Children" employees:
Pretty much the same reason.
I understand that they are not just ass-raping people for their money like Evangelists are, but they are stealing quite a great portion of people's money and also bold-faced lying about it.
Even the Christian Relief Fund (the one with the somber fat white guy with the big white beard [no, not Santa]), uses upwards of 40-50% of their funding to keep their company afloat and pay their workers. Oh, and they've also received several hundred millions of dollars in the past to bail out their organization due to bad money management. Why is that so bad? Watch those commercials again. He specifically states that they use over 90% of every contribution for caring for starving children and that they are implicitly a non-profit organization.
That would be so heartwarming if it wasn't blatant and utter bullshit.
9) Anything having to do with the United Nations:
These people are the most worthless and meaningless "Peace Keeping Unit" that we could have ever created as a human race. They are literally the laughing stock of everyone on this planet. I'm pretty sure third-world countries wouldn't even break a starving, suicidal sweat over the U.N. coming to investigate their country. Granted, that's mostly because most third world countries couldn't be investigated for much more than "dirt", "death" and "pestilence". But they STILL laugh at them!
How useful was the U.N. in the Iraq investigation? Well, they gave us piss poor, and sometimes completely false, information based almost entirely on paranoia and delusion. What did that mean to us in the long run? Fuel for the asshat that we called a president to invade for obviously underhanded reasons (hint: it was not for weapons of mass destruction.)
These guys are nothing more than the equivalent of the nerdy, pasty-white dorks in high school that hacked the school's mainframe for the jocks so that they wouldn't get their D&D playing asses force-fed to them.
10) An I.R.S. employee:
Now some of you may suggest that the I.R.S. keeps our country in balance by collecting taxes and managing funds that go towards wonderful programs that keep us, as a democracy, afloat.
There are probably many other things that you believe, such as:
* The Easter Bunny exists.
* A zombie overthrow is not only plausible, but unavoidable.
* You are a unique and special snowflake.
* Scientology.
Anyone with an I.Q. higher than the average rock already knows that less than 1% of the American population controls over 98% of the wealth in this country. Those same I.Q. enriched persons understand that the lower 99% of us pay far more in taxes than those economy-controlling cuntwads. To be an employee of the I.R.S. is to be a heartless bastard that rips, rapes and hurts more people every year than any terrorist that has ever set foot on our soil.
Granted, I am not implying that they are individually and personally responsible for this problem, but they are working a job day-in and day-out that must leech pieces of their soul on a slow but constant basis.
Every day of every week of every month of every year, these people do everything in their power to destroy small businesses, break apart families and their homes, crack normally sane people to the point of killing sprees, and destroy the very essence of the patriotism that we so desperately cling to in this country.
Although, I suppose it's all our fault for not making over a billion dollars a year and fucking the system in the ass with supposed "charitable contributions" that give us tax breaks the size of a small city's gross product.
I'm not only ashamed, but do not understand why I wasn't born into a life of luxury. I totally understand why you want to take 30% of my economy. As well do I completely understand that Enron and Tyco shareholders are swimming in vaults of cash like they were Scrooge Mc-fucking-duck.
-Mike. [[ myspace.com/miketheunited ]]
8:16 AM
Powered by  | | English | | Albanian | | Arabic | | Bulgarian | | Catalan | | Chinese | | Croatian | | Czech | | Danish | | Dutch | | Estonian | | Filipino | | Finnish | | French | | Galician | | German | | Greek | | Hebrew | | Hindi | | Hungarian | | Indonesian | | Italian | | Japanese | | Korean | | Latvian | | Lithuanian | | Maltese | | Norwegian | | Polish | | Portuguese | | Romanian | | Russian | | Serbian | | Slovak | | Slovenian | | Spanish | | Swedish | | Thai | | Turkish | | Ukrainian | | Vietnamese |
|