Throughout time the brightest and richest have always had written social clubs. As it turns out, the brightest and richest are often one and the same and rarely end up close to one another. Proximity and brilliance, it turns out, aren't related whatever. (That's right, Socrates was probably an invention.) But luckily, even Einstein was a member of a three hundred year old social club called My Space, where surveys on trivial matters were conducted, funny photo clippings were exchanged, and everyone remembered everyone else's birthday. At first this was all conducted through the post, taking months and months. Later, it was telegraph, then phoned by assistants, briefly faxed, and now it's moved to the Internet. But as with all things, it's been dumbed down. My Space is no longer a refuge of the intellectual elite, it's a piss pot of the masses for drivel. Once pithy pictures inspiring the most rich of irony are exchanged now for pictures of Celine Deion and videos proclaiming the ills of animal torture. In any event, major historians have labored for three and a quarter decades to find and preserve the lost myspace surveys of the past. These nuggets of supreme wisdom are now but simple reminders of a bygone era of tumultous tortured brilliance. The private thoughts of presidents, millionaires, moguls, mathematicians... they can all be found--plus far more--in the writings of these sensational madmen and women. I give you... the lost celebrity myspace survey.

Today I offer, Howard Hughes.



Body: A-Z of your life

[A] - AVAILABLE:
I haven't yet found a woman free enough of germs to leave myself inside for longer than a few moments. My momma always said, "the dirtiest part of a woman is the sewer betwixt her thighs." My momma was no exception. Even as a newborn I scrubbed myself raw to get the pussular odors off.

[B] - BIRTHDAY:
For my safety I keep that private. I like to celebrate with an unopened (and uneaten) can of tuna and a hooker who's been soaked in rubbing alcohol for two days.

[C] - CONFUSED ABOUT:
Why women don't find long fingernails attractive. Also, why the fuck god invented masturbation if these damn fingernails we grow involuntarily are going to make it so difficult.

[D] - LAST DRINK YOU HAD:
I love milk

[E] - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO:
My mother. I have her embalmed in the lair behind my dinning room.

[F] - FAVORITE GROUP/ BAND:
I like that Charlie Chesterton and his Orchestra.

[G] - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS:
Both are filth and make me want to throw up on a nun. If throwing up weren't more filthy than a nun, gummy bears and gummy worms put together. You have any idea how many insect parts are in each one of those bastards?

[H] - HOME TOWN:
Somewhere in Texas. Ask Noah Dietrich, I'm sure I own it. He's my personal accountant and he's probably got the receipts laying around somewhere.

[I] - INSTRUMENTS:
I play the Ham Wallet. Just kidding, that's gross.

[J] - JUICE:
Oranges are clean and full of vitamins. I like Oranges.

[K] - KIND OF PHONE YOU HAVE?
Rotary.

[L] - LONGEST CAR RIDE:
HA!! I flew around the goddamn world. THE WORLD. THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.

[M] - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR:
Milk is good enough by itself.

[N] - NUMBER OF PETS:
Animals are disgusting creatures. Humans are much more fun to keep in captivity, especially young girls.

[O] - ONE WISH:
That everything was more ownable. Like... how do you own toothpaste. I mean... not just a tube, or three-hundred tubes... but, ALL of it. I wish that shit was a reality.

[P] - LAST PERSON(s) YOU HUNG OUT WITH:?
Noah Deitrich came by with some shit for me to sign. I think it was something about a family member of mine dying, I wasn't really paying attention.

[Q] - QUIET OR LOUD:
I'm loud. Others better fucking be quiet.

[R] - REASONS TO SMILE:
I own a controlling interest in TWA and RKO!!! Yaaaay! Also, I've managed to wrap a lot of my belongings in cellophane to prevent contact with germs.

[S] - SURGERY'S YOU'VE HAD:
Unfortunately, I was subjected against my will to surgeries after 4 of my 9 plain wrecks. I don't remember any of them and if I had my way I would never have survived the first one. Something about shareholders insisting I be granted emergency care. Fuck them.

[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP:
9:00 am exactly EVERY FUCKING DAY.

[U] - UNDERWEAR:
Never worn, and never worn again. I burn every pair after they leave my grundle.

[V] - VIOLENT:
I will kill any person who crosses me. I swear to you. I will cut them from stem to stern with a 19 inch Jaguar knife, because humans are like ants and I'm something totally different. I'm not like a child with the magnifying glass, I'm the ADULT wielding that badass lens to create the beam of death on the tiny beings... I know what I'm doing is pointless and cruel with out the benefit of being able to say, "I didn't know what I was doing! I was just a little KID!"

[W]- WORST HABIT:
Drowning women

[X] X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD:
Plenty to go around. I've wrecked a lot of things.

[Y] YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL:
None. I like to stand exactly 30 feet away and roast them with a high powered flame thrower I invented. The smell is AMAZING. Second only to roasting servants turned spies.

[Z] - ZODIAC Sign
That is bullshit and I refuse to answer. If you're into the Zodiac you can, so far as I care, slice off little pieces of your own head and see how far you get in eating the whole thing. Go to hell.